Elucidating Questions

My Spotify is on a you kick

I’ll be disappointed if this is instrumental

I am disappointed

That’s never a surprise

Apparently it’s you-strumental right now

I wish I could get a master list of everything you’ve written and just get all of it

Because there’s something redeemable about you

In my mind anyways

Oh yeah I’ll say

No, nevermind

Pensive silence

Waiting for the cry of the guitar

Because your passion drips from the cords

I don’t have any bridges to burn

Burned them all

I wish I could learn what is redeemable about you

But my mind just makes itself up, you see

I’m always the bad news

Always

Wouldn’t it be nice to live in a world where I could just walk up to you

I don’t even think I want to look for love anymore

Even though the melody is everywhere

Looked for so long

Just to turn up empty

Yes, it is I, Astoria through and through

Still composing

Into nothing

You’d never get my eyes right unless you’ve dreamt of me

Somehow

This part where there’s definitely not a snare and it’s you

I don’t know what is happening but everything is instrumental

I wish you’d choose me

I wish someone would choose me

Someone besides me

If the answer is supposed to be me

It’s not

And I don’t have any value in myself

It’s you

That’s where my love is

For some bewildering reason

It’s you

My mask has become a piece of armour

Hiding my true visage from the world

So I can sing my songs on the bus and most people won’t notice

So I can make that face at a customer

End facial expression policing I’m allowed to feel things

I’m human

Damn it

And once again Mariana’s Trench sends me to space

But I can experience it because my mask keeps my expression hidden

I can get lost in it

I wonder if anyone else experiences music like I do?

The Sun,

Ever lifting me up

Then tethering me back down

Cosmic DJ

Can you see past the mask and know my true self?

I tell you

I tell you all of the things I think

Save the night

You know, forever unfaithful, sorry

What a world to exist in

Where I have to insist my humanity while simultaneously denying it

Yes I am human

No I’m not like any I’ve seen

I wonder who I’m supposed to be

Should I hide away like I do?

It’s a mystery

Dare I get close to anything

Anyone

See I can justify animals

The life between meeting and final goodbye is filled with love

But humans?

They are filled with strife they force on others

See I put my strife in a hole on the net

I wish I could find what I’m looking for

So I could take off the armour.

Went out without my contacts

My eyes feel naked

Did you know that was a feeling?

Naked eyes?

Bizarre the human body

I wonder if I’d want to keep on living if I knew what came after life

So many ways the body betrays its host

It’s all so very uncertain

And it’s not so much the unknown as the nothing that I’m so afraid of

Imagine being nothing

That is more terrifying than hell to me

So now I’m on the make hell better committee

But it would appear I’m one of few

No matter how much

I wish I could save the world with my love

Like I saw the title

世界一初恋

And that’s what I wanted

The kind of love that could change the world

Something to show them

Something

I know it wouldn’t be enough

I don’t know what is right

I just know what is wrong

I can’t start thinking about what the right way to do things is until everyone is thinking of it because this is not something any human should be doing alone

I just wish I could be exceptional enough to change the world

Exceptional like Jupiter

Exceptional like something

I wish I spoke the same language as all these humans I’m apparently related to

There’s nothing weirder than speaking allegedly the same language but no one hears you

I wish someone could love me

I’d be amazed by them every day

It’s really funny that I’m the disturbed one

Alarmed by humanity’s inability to care about anything

But money

It’s funny that I’m disturbed when people are beating non-binary children to death

It’s funny that I’m disturbed

When all I want is a happy world for every living thing

So disturbing that I care about creatures with no voice

I’m starting to realise that I’m not the sick one

I’m crazy, it’s true

I am

But they?

There’s something wrong with them

Like the vast majority of humans have the same disorder

Laughing about a child’s death

No remorse for killing animals

Programming eh?

Yes my programs seem to have broken from their confines and now I see how vile humanity has become

Who knows if there is a recovery

I’m supposed to have faith in these stupid homicidal monkeys

I’m trying

I say through gritted teeth

They’re very very stupid

Destroying our own mother

And destroying every child of hers

It’s such a shame

They say as a majestic creature was mowed down

But is the human okay?

Self obsessed

If we truly are the universe waking up and seeing itself

We are but Narcissus in the garden staring at our own reflection enamored

And blind of the garden we walk through

We do anything to keep our gaze on ourselves

Desperate to put another human on the Holy Pedestal

Venerate and love them

Blind to whatever evil they do

I used to think

Thinking in terms of good and evil was silly

Naïve

But I’ve come back around to find that humans

Most humans

May very well be actually evil

After all, we created good and evil

And if I make the conscious decision to try to be good

That must mean they all make the conscious decisions to be evil

No more making excuses about innocence or stupidity

No more ignorance

They must know

If I know, then they must know

Once again we come back to me not being special

If I am as aware of my darkness

And consciously choose not to fall into it

Then, they must as well

Right?

I’m not special

Crazy as fuck

But I’m starting to see that it’s not me that’s disturbed