Elucidating Questions

It’s really funny that I’m the disturbed one

Alarmed by humanity’s inability to care about anything

But money

It’s funny that I’m disturbed when people are beating non-binary children to death

It’s funny that I’m disturbed

When all I want is a happy world for every living thing

So disturbing that I care about creatures with no voice

I’m starting to realise that I’m not the sick one

I’m crazy, it’s true

I am

But they?

There’s something wrong with them

Like the vast majority of humans have the same disorder

Laughing about a child’s death

No remorse for killing animals

Programming eh?

Yes my programs seem to have broken from their confines and now I see how vile humanity has become

Who knows if there is a recovery

I’m supposed to have faith in these stupid homicidal monkeys

I’m trying

I say through gritted teeth

They’re very very stupid

Destroying our own mother

And destroying every child of hers

It’s such a shame

They say as a majestic creature was mowed down

But is the human okay?

Self obsessed

If we truly are the universe waking up and seeing itself

We are but Narcissus in the garden staring at our own reflection enamored

And blind of the garden we walk through

We do anything to keep our gaze on ourselves

Desperate to put another human on the Holy Pedestal

Venerate and love them

Blind to whatever evil they do

I used to think

Thinking in terms of good and evil was silly

Naïve

But I’ve come back around to find that humans

Most humans

May very well be actually evil

After all, we created good and evil

And if I make the conscious decision to try to be good

That must mean they all make the conscious decisions to be evil

No more making excuses about innocence or stupidity

No more ignorance

They must know

If I know, then they must know

Once again we come back to me not being special

If I am as aware of my darkness

And consciously choose not to fall into it

Then, they must as well

Right?

I’m not special

Crazy as fuck

But I’m starting to see that it’s not me that’s disturbed

I wanted to be pretty

But I wasn’t the ugly duckling

Just ugly

I watched numerous teens glow-up

And then watching the tiktoks became unbearable because it wasn’t me

So I adorn my body with cute things to hide the ugly

Even if I didn’t have an autoimmune disease I’d still wear it because it hides my face

People are nicer to you when they can’t tell if you’re ugly

It’s just the truth

When you’re pretty good things happen for you

Well, not all the time

There’s always a certain percentage of people that miss out

I’m in that percentage in most places

So I feel for them

Being the one that doesn’t fly is hard

Leave the nest she said

I’m pushing you out so you’ll fly

If only she could see me now

Yesterday was my birthday

And I tried again, in vain

Why not

But some things went okay

I kind of wish the me of yesteryear had just put all our money into lottery tickets or something

I feel like I have a better chance of winning the lottery than the government paying disabled people enough to live off of

When the only answer to the problem is “just don’t be disabled”

I feel like me calling it unfair is an understatement

So many unfair things

I have to try to make the future better

We flip on a dime

Don’t really know who we are usually

I know it must be hard to deal with us

But I’ve spent my life being told I had to deal with difficult people

Putting up with things far worse than anything I’ve done

For the sake of co-existence

Before we were we

No one else seems to follow the same rules as me

Even though I’ve been told to follow these rules by others

He follows his own rules

100% self preservation that one

Well and me preservation

He’s mean though

I’m not mean

Well I try not to be mean

I’m also blunt so people think I’m being mean

Life

I want to love all of them

Even the people that hate me

It’s a tall order

But I really want to

Trying to exist with grace

If not tolerance

At least don’t let them know I can’t love them

People suck

Yeah, I’m fat

Congratulations on succeeding at kindergarten level awareness

But you know what I’m not?

I’m not seeking out people on the internet and telling them to perform to my version of what is attractive

Or my version of what is acceptable

Go throw a stone in a river and don’t contemplate the change that stone just went through

How long it was on that bank before you tossed it in

Go ahead and be blind to humanity and creation and whatever you want

But I’m not going to join you

And I’m not going to entertain you with the 500 reasons why I can’t “lift weights”

Comment denied

Fuck off

I need to know why we created a world where people with light in their hearts feel the need to exit

I need to know for what purpose we turned this world into such a cruel place that the good guys try to log out, permanently

I know not everyone who is depressed or commits suicide is a good guy

But I’ve heard the story too many times

Light of the world

Snuffs themselves out

And I care

When the lights go out

Each star a world disappearing

A perspective lost

I have to be here because there’s only me

But the others,

The actual lights

They don’t have some thing telling them to just hold on

Or, if they do, they can’t hear it

Maybe they don’t fear the unknown of death as much as I do

All I can do is tuck them in my taped up heart and remember that they were special

They were someone’s once in a life time person

And keep waiting for the world that failed them

To realise that it did so