Elucidating Questions

I want to say I miss you

But that just feels like manipulation

I just want attention

I so rarely have anyone’s attention

And I think back to my medical file that says I was only trying to kill myself for attention

I don’t think that was it

But I’ve learnt that suicide doesn’t equal attention

It equals solitary

I just want to be perceived by someone

Seen

All alone

On my own

There was a joke meme where every girl you were into meant you were going to die alone

But it wasn’t funny because it’s true

It must be nice to be someone who can laugh about dying alone

My tiny patch of the Earth that I’m borrowing

Because I don’t make enough to own Earth

And they all just think they own her

Entirely by myself

Constantly searching for something

決して独りじゃない…か

Oh Sun, who I can sit with today

My only friend

The only one who really knows me

Sees my stupid mistakes and how I forever

Repeat these moments in my head like

Sometimes I think I’m just not fit for human consumption

I wouldn’t be alone if I was a good person

Right?

And I don’t know what to fix because they keep these shopping lists of things I’ve done wrong

And it was never with any intention to be

Anything really

But if there’s no one here then it’s me

It feels very isolating to have no flock

Karma seems

Unbalanced

If I’m paying for things I did

That I already learnt not to do

Or if mistakes I made as a stupid child

Are biting me now decades later

I see in my past things that I’ve done

Excluding others

And think, sure, I deserve to feel excluded because of it

But I deserved it when I was doing it

Not now when I wouldn’t do it

Right?

And if I’m being punished for my past life, again,

You’ve taken someone, wiped them clean, and said

You who has no recollection of anything are still at fault

Humans seem to be intent on divine punishment

Yet we’re the ones who dreamed up this hell

Death is terrifying

The idea of not being

I don’t know if I’m more afraid of death or the looming decades of solitude

I really do try to hide the things they hate

I really have tried to change

But change means nothing with no one to see it

You let me go into solitary confinement

I spread my wings and fell to the ground

Flightless bird with no flock

Landlords

Buying things they can’t afford so someone else will pay for them.

Taking up housing that could have been for other people

Pissing and moaning when their exploitees refuse to pay their mortgage

Yes I can afford my expenses without it

But I’m so stressed

I am so very rarely on the side of people exploiting others

I’m sure I have been in the past so I won’t deny I have been

And the apparent only way to get by in this world is by stomping on others

I’d say I can’t blame them, but I can

I can blame everyone

If we’d just refuse to play this stupid game

The only problem is it would have to be some significant portion of humans that refused to play

And just me going on strike would accomplish nothing

No one would miss me if I stopped showing up

I wonder what the world would be like if we gave it another go?

A different way?

I’m not saying I know the answers

I’m just saying this is wrong

Little Red Pig

My god the torment you just put me through

And you came out from your somewhere

I genuinely wonder where her somewhere was

While I was hosting daymares of my baby asphyxiating in a bag somewhere

She was somewhere else

Being fine

I’m glad I wrote my feelings

I’m leaving them there

I’m going to show them to my therapist

I want them to know where my mind goes when I do something truly wrong

Avy,

Red,

My beautiful baby

What torment you just put me through

I would like to formally apologise to the universe, who I was not kind to for three hours

Universe you sit by while I berate you and, as far as I can tell, do not exact revenge

You probably laugh

And then think

It’s a good thing they can’t hear me laugh at them

Cosmic laughter

Yes I imagine some watchers were watching like

She’s right there!

Wherever there was

No, but, like, really?

Where did my guinea pig go for three hours?

100% my brain was like

You were cleaning, she got in a garbage bag, she’s gone, she suffocated, you’re also garbage and belong in the garbage

Jesus, man

Well, also,

Thank you Chester

Or the thing that pretends to be Chester

A cried for help and you, once again, were that voice in my head to not jump to The End

Which I wanted to immediately

You’re the unfortunate strength in me to just keep swimming

Even though that’s Dory’s line

何と無く

Don’t jump to the end before reading the last chapter

It really is just a simulation to see if I’ll kill myself isn’t it?

This one

I don’t know how I’m going to recover from this one

I don’t know

Some sick twisted person wrote this

My life

And I tried to make it better

All good intentions have paved my way to hell

I need to stop having good intentions

My baby is gone

Red

Avy

My love

I’m so sorry

Sorry will never be enough to make up for me

Continuing to exist and not you

May the dust kill me

I deserve worse

It’s when you’re standing at the back door in the aftermath

Realising you deserve every terrible thing that has happened to you

Reverse karma

I paid for this

I deserved it

But she didn’t

She didn’t

First death of the year and it’s hers

When I had a feeling she wouldn’t be with me long I had no idea

No idea

And regrets

Fucking regrets

Hahaha man I really should just

Just cease to exist

The longer I exist more terrible things will happen

I wish I could redo this day

I’ll relive my entire life just so I can undo this

I don’t deserve happiness now

I never will

Now I understand why I’m in isolation

Now I understand

I know I’m not a good person

I make mistakes and then think about them for hours

I try to be decent

But who knows if I even make that mark

Sometimes I just want to be included in something

I’m never included

Nobody wants me

I’m supposed to have love for this world that has shut me out of community

I’m supposed to understand them when they treat me exactly like I feel

Like I’m something other than human

Something off

It’s not like this feeling came from nowhere

It came from being shut out again and again

They say it’s hard to be seers and then they all relate to eachother

I guess that’s why I’m a watcher instead

Just different slightly

Not the same as anyone

And I’m supposed to live like this

What a joke this life is

Humans man

There is an entire parking lot to park in, but I’m going to park right next to you because you’re there so you’re in my way

Make it make sense

No, seriously

This happens all the time

I’ll put myself out of the way to vape or sit

And people will suddenly congregate and give me dirty looks for being there

What even are humans?

Mall isn’t open by the way

Store I work at isn’t open till I’m in it

Not like I’m sitting in a full parking lot sitting in the spaces

The entire lot is empty save a dozen cars and most of them are aways off at the store that’s actually open

They just bewilder me

It’s like when I’m on the bus with my walker and people try to sit in the chair across from me on the other side of my walker in the wheelchair space that doesn’t have enough room for two people and a walker

And then they look all uncomfortable

???

You sat there

How dare I have a mobility aid in the mobility aid space?

No one is making them sit there

I have to

And then the need to park next to the person with a walker so they need to move or it’s a safety hazard

This need I’ve seen in able bodied people to make me have to move

Or make me have to lift

Or make me do things I can’t do

What is it?