Elucidating Questions

I wish I knew what to call you

So many names

I don’t know if any of them are right

I wonder what you call me

So far away

Different alive

So close

So different

So the same

Certain the kinship I feel is some ancient awakened part of you calling for home

Were we all one once?

I suppose that’s a question bigger than you

Hey you You you

Were we one once?

If I ask if I belong here you say yes

Then why do I feel like a different thing?

Do they know this space is filled with love?

I don’t think they do

Blissfully unaware

It’s true I ignore it often

And I don’t know from which great bigness it is

The very particles that flow through us may be it

Who knows

But I love you all my giant things I don’t know the names of

It’s true I can’t be alone when you’re all right by

Even if that makes me sad sometimes

Persisting out of spite

Still trying to figure out what is and isn’t the universe

Are we of you or within you?

Helpful as always

Always

Like you’re toying with me

It must be exhausting to know everything

Or what you do

Thank you for being

This place is fascinating

Even though the locals are hostile and disappointing

Big Burning Ball of Fire

We are tiny

And we are here together

I’m loving you ❤️

You don’t know

That’s the joke

This line is mine for sure

Every other line or so

I’ve co-opted to myself

You don’t hear a word

We both don’t hear a thing

Because no words have been said

In this intricate silence

Don’t get hurt now

Okay?

You haven’t even breathed my name

Well I haven’t gone anywhere for a while

This part doesn’t fit here

Like there was something else here before

You’ve always been worth the fight

Or I’d have logged out

Long ago

To Chester’s chagrin

Yet I persist

Stubborn, me

I can’t hush

I have so many words to say

To sing back to you

Ever after

In this solo dance

That was meant to be a pas de deux

Retail hell is more like retail soup these days

A bland soup that you thought would be thicker when you looked at it

But you now realise is some strange separated texture of tiny bits and broth

As if it was supposed to be blended and was only partially done

I started loving Stars and Planets because no one accepted my love

So what am I now?

I love the Sun

And I work on the Earth which I also love

My gemstones

It’s acceptable

I wonder how I’m supposed to show love

To all these people

I tried it a little today

People often act like I’m too much

It hurts to see your enthusiasm met with awkwardness

And not “I’m socially awkward” awkwardness

This is annoying awkwardness

It’s always been like this

I want to be me

But they’ll reject me

What’s the point of being me if they don’t like me?

I’ve tried so long to tailor myself to others needs

I be whatever person they needed to meet at that moment

What even is myself?

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The thought of dying fills me at once with cold terror

The unknown

The absolute unknown

And every study done just scares me more

You’ll know you’re dying

You’ll realise some new level of consciousness

And not knowing

What happens when that consciousness is gone

It was nicer when I half believed that when I died I’d be reunited with the man I always dream of

The man who is both a god and a spirit

But that’s fantastic

Too good to be true

Wouldn’t it be lovely

If the great mystery of my life were solved at its conclusion?

And that the answer to my loneliness was that there was a great spirit waiting for me?

Leaving aside how cruel it would be to make me live my entire life alone

I’m assuming some eternity would stretch out for us in the afterlife

Which would eclipse the life

But I’m also afraid of this life ending

No more knowing

A new place to figure out

And I’m desperately clinging to there being a something after this because

Nothing

Is my greatest fear

Call me the Childlike Empress

The nothing is my greatest fear

The only problem is Bastian isn’t coming to save me

And Atreyu and his horse never happened

Truly

I don’t know how people don’t talk about this

Do other people just live in willful ignorance that they’re going to die?

I suppose swaths of them think their make believe best friend sky daddy loves them for killing his garden and they’re going to heaven for it

Just armies of people who think that the Universe who we either exist within and observe

Or who we are the literal personification of, seeing ourselves

Will love them for killing the Earth

Yeah ok

That seems totally likely

We’re probably actually stuck in some repetition where the universe expands and collapses and every time it expands the Earth happens again and we get another chance and we can’t fucking figure out how to get it right so the Earth ends again and rinse repeat

And during our several many billion years in between we’re in some purgatory looking back at ourselves like WTF MAN? AGAIN??

But, like, pretty much anything except nothing

Anything but whatever it feels like for me to not exist

I’d even take reincarnation even though the thought of it makes me understand why babies cry at birth.

I don’t want to die

Chester, are you proud of me?

I went from suicidal most of the time to terrified of dying

You’re probably chuckling about it too

Maybe I’m the sacrifice of my family

Living the consequences of lives I don’t even know the names of

Maybe I really am here to look back and be appalled

Then look around and be appalled

Maybe

Maybe even in all the failures of my ancestors

Me being here is special

Maybe I’m here to be the person they never were

Who they couldn’t be

Cursed DNA asside

I’m definitely not the worst person on the planet

No matter what my brain thinks

I’m more aware of everything than anyone in my past was

Whatever racism it was that kept my lineage Celtic and Anglo-Saxon

With that wee bit of Norse in there for good measure

White as hell

And actually aware of it

I hope I’m doing a good enough job, just being as best I can

Trying

I hope that trying matters even though I was told there’s no such thing as trying

There is only fail and succeed

Which means I’m constantly failing

But then I’d be like who would tell a kid that?

If it was anyone else

I wish I knew that right words

The words to make everything better

Ah well

If there’s a word for it in Japanese

It must mean something

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