Elucidating Questions

Dear Mr Owl Mr Owl

I own them now

All the words

I decided regardless of verdict

They’re mine

Monsters make masterpieces

I claim them

And I just can’t get rid of them they’re actually good

The lack of good these days

It’s just not to my taste

And I’m not sure if you are but I’ll take them

To be fair I co-opt things from not monsters too

Call me the Dragon of Music

They come into my hoard and never leave

I am the light of the dawn

Or something

If the things I hear are to be believed

I’m a good sign

Not a bad one

Despite how it always seems

Apparently

I hope you’re free

What are you waiting for?

I don’t know anymore

What are you waiting for?

Appear!

Just do it

It’s so simple just be in the same space as me at the same time as me

Right?

Right?

There’s marker on my hands but I didn’t use a marker today

Be the marker on my hands

Just show up

Just pop into my life like you were missing

Just be here

Be

Here

Yeah I always want what I can’t have

It’s just I can’t have a lot and I want things anyways

Just blow into my world

Fill my lungs with air I didn’t know I was without

It’s easy

Believe me

My biggest distraction is missing today

Shiny boy

Scare the clouds away and come see me

The person I’m waiting for isn’t here yet.

I’m paralysed

By fear

Every time a stranger says something to me I rush to finish the interaction

Frozen by the fear of expectations I have never met

It’s just another meet and part

There was a nice lady on the bus who complimented my handmade cardigan and I laughed and said thank you and then ended the conversation

Full on I’m not engaging body language

It wasn’t until another person who I knew from the bus, another person I initially froze out, started the conversation that I had tried to end

That I joined in

Like there has to be an excuse for me to connect

It’s the fear of failure

The fear of getting used to having someone around

Again

And then just being alone

Again

People who say things like

I’m not going anywhere

And then just like that they’re gone

And again I know I did something to cause it

But I don’t know what because they always keep these shopping lists instead of saying what they’re actually upset about

So I have this ginormous list of transgressions

Of which I have none for them

This master list of all I’ve done wrong regardless of my intentions

Things don’t go right for me

You’d think people who know me would know I only try to do what I can to make things better

Sometimes for me

Usually for everyone else

And the sometimes for me should be fine because I suffer so damn much all the time

Right?

Right?

Someone would undoubtedly say

Just stop suffering

I wish it was that easy

To just not be sick

Or poor

Or depressed

Or anxious

I wish I could just will my cognition back

Maybe if I stopped doing things for me then I wouldn’t lose people

But the potential for a new relationship terrifies me

So many new possibilities for failure

I am having an identity crisis

I was so sure I was chaotic neutral

Only doing things that benefit me as they do and otherwise screw it

But I read the description of chaotic good

And I definitely sound more like that these days

And I know human morality can’t exactly be boiled down to D&D moralities

But I really thought I was in this for me

And me only

But then it came to this whole part where it was talking about the chaotic good person not necessarily agreeing with society

Because they want things to be good

Freedom and independence

To make every being truly free

Benevolence

I definitely hand out discounts at work like they’re free candy

Do little things to try to make the world better

I wish I could change the world

But if I’m not in this for me

Who am I here for?

Distant Blue Flame not withstanding

That’s the one place we differ

I want to know my purpose

I want to mean something to this world

What an I if not just a coward who seeks what makes me feel good?

A coward who seeks what makes others feel good?

I feel like that’s a contradiction

I wish I had the confidence I have in my dreams

I don’t know what I am, but I know I’m continuing onward

Who would have thought I’m not selfish enough to be neutral?

Maybe, so what if I don’t belong here?

Maybe, once again out of spite, I just exist here

Maybe I’m just destined to be alone

Maybe I’m supposed to be happy about that

I never know enough for anyone

Never understand enough

I want to know why I have to make other humans feel special and loved and respected

But I don’t get any of that

I want to know what about me is different than any other human

Why I’m the one who has to put up with everyone else

Hi, I’m utterly destroyed by humanity

Please be my friend?

And no one wants the baggage that is me

He’s truly my only friend

The only one I see enough to call a friend anyway

The literal Sun

It feels a bit better

Now that I’m sitting in his light

And the universe has rewarded me with something fun to do today

Life is so hard

Trying to figure out where to put my feet and they constantly go out from under me

It’s not a ladder

Or a race

We’re scaling a perpendicular cliff

Some people started higher

The most terrifying part is not having a manual

I grew up believing the Bible was the manual

I was wrong and

And it’s so hard to believe a thing by myself

The Universe often shows me things that say just because the majority thinks it’s right doesn’t mean it is

It’s just that I’m somehow always a minority to these groups of people

Just one person without a guide book trying to figure out how to make amends while also wanting to be treated the same way I treat others

I guess that’s a lot when you’re going up against large groups of people

Why I’m always the antagonist I’ll never know

Whoever wrote this life

Whoever is writing it right now

Why are you so intent on making me a bad guy?

I got banned from a Facebook group for asking why it’s okay for people who speak English as a second language to get my name wrong repeatedly

And how people mispronouncing my name was privilege

Genuine questions

If I struggle to pronounce a name from a language I don’t speak people will judge me as racist or prejudiced

But when I say my name is a certain way people are allowed to say it wrong continually

Apparently I’m a racist again

I’m sorry I don’t understand

I’m sorry that I didn’t belong in yet another community because I don’t understand humans

Again

What a fucking surprise

My name is not important, but everyone else’s is

That makes me feel exactly like the piece of shit I am in this world

For all the love of the Sun and the Universe

This is a world that tosses me out over and over because I don’t understand

I thought I found somewhere I belonged

What a joke that is

I don’t belong anywhere

And I’m already nothing