Elucidating Questions

Over and over and over again

Thank you for writing it so I had something to feel when it happened to me

Not thanking you for feeling the feelings

Raw is right

And at the most strange moments

And I swear I’ve dreamt of her every night since she passed

But I can’t remember what she says

Those precious words I’ll never hear again

She was the only one in my family who accepted and used my pronouns and respected my being non-binary

And now she’s gone

Just like that

And her boyfriend is free to go kill another woman

It should be murder

But it’s not

I don’t want justice

I want to prevent it from repeating

The only thing that could fix this is her being back

Back here

Wherever she is

Mel wherever you are

I miss you so much

I wish I had better things to tell you

Things that would reach you

Ashes now

Just ashes

If only love could do so much more

Goodbye again for now

I suppose you’re right

My life would have to have meaning to be a joke

And I suppose I’d have to suppose a pretty fucked up being who would laugh

Hermes not withstanding, Hermes is a jerk

I should probably suppose you see these moments and cry too

Oh great Creator

It’s hard to know whether you even know we’re here

Besides those moments that come together perfectly

As massively ineffectual as all the other massive beings out there

Simply being in this space where being can happen

And what a wonder that being can happen

That a star can burn

Collapse

Explode

That this place is even here

That planets form from young stars

It’s honestly impressive

So I suppose your feelings should be just as impressive

I wonder if the chaos is an image of you or what occurs within you

Perhaps you are a great being of chaos

But the order within the chaos is what is most magnificent

The places so many things come together and meet

This moment that the sun peaks out from behind the gathered clouds to warm my body

A body that formed from unity in the chaos, order, in what would seem entirely wild

It makes me think we should follow this philosophy in life

Live in a world where order and wildness are balanced

If we could engage with the wilderness, become its companion instead of its antagonist

Bring some order to it

Food for the hungry, shelter for those that want it

Domesticate everything only to the point that we are enriching everything

Maybe domesticate is the wrong word

Keep the wildness

Just make sure everything’s needs are met

The worst part is we could

If all the minds of the world saw comfort and felt fed

I wonder what better worlds we could dream up?

Humans claim capitalism breeds innovation but humans got to capitalism, the response was communism, they somehow decided, “this is fine”, and stopped dreaming up anything new

Binaries exist

But humans are obsessed with them

This whole it must be one thing or the other

Just take a look at Earth and tell me exactly how many one things actually only have one other

There’s always some other thing

One more kind of lizard, twelve new frogs, a species of lotus we’ve never seen, this space is a creative space

We should create as well

I should be kinder in my image of the universe

I should remember that I am far too simple a being to understand their stance on the issues we face, but the creativity of the universe is something humans should embrace

Things should always be developing and growing

Stagnation doesn’t breed anything but feeling stuck in a rut.

Now tell me how many people these days feel that way

It’s not fair that you’re ashes now

I don’t want ashes

I want a living, breathing, alive, sister

It’s not fair that all you were has been reduced to dust

Carbon remnants of alive

I want to be mad at you

But you’re not here to be mad at

And I can’t just hold onto it until I see you next and let it go because I love you because

I’ll never see you again

You’re gone

Somewhere

Somewhere where you’re fine

Then where are we?

Does Death choose us or do we choose him?

Does he know the end of each person signed on a scroll of life?

Or is he summoned by death

Does he merely deliver

Ferryman

Is he the one who picks up these souls beaten down by life and renews them?

No

Maybe

Truly it would seem the gods are just as trapped by life as we are

Just as inconsequential

Great Observer

I won’t let this feeling

Incompleteness

Like one of my hearts is gone

I won’t let it consume me

I miss you

But I’m not talking to you right now

The things I go through

Make me wonder what you’ve also gone through without me

Were there things you needed me for too?

Twisted Fate

Not to know who you are

Or anything about you

Hoping against the signs that I am alone

You

Whoever You is

Another day goes by

And it will

As they do

It funny that every time I think I like someone someone named Amanda exists

No it isn’t

I wish people would just give up on monogamy why not

But I don’t want to be an accessory

This strange “but I have a favourite” mentality that is sudo-monogomy and not actually polyamory

Oh

Hello

I wasn’t really talking about you

You

I wish there was a glimmer

My only one does actually burn too bright to see you see

Pretty ball of fire who’s my only daily friend

One moment while I sulk because that’s not fair

You, You you

You’re there right?

My great Apollo still there to warm me in my ungratefulness of him

The Cosmic DJ is on point today

It’s all so complicated, isn’t it?

All this me I bring

Every revolution it gets more complicated

お互いの？

I’d try to accept anyone

Who actually wanted me

With any number of sad stories to tell

I just missed the mark

Right?

Something similar maybe

Who knows

Whoever shows up

I guess

I will wait

Thinking I will always wait

For you

Not knowing who you is

Or what

Whether you is right beside me

Whether my life is some strange love story between a humanoid and the Sun

Okay, but, Apollo, my Sun, my dear

寂しくない？

For both of us?

Me being a blip on your lifetime

Not that I don’t hope there’s been someone like me on this planet at all times there’s been a someone

I do hope the destined time is near

As much as I love you, my beautiful ball of fire, I need human contact

Sorry

Do stars hear eachother?

I suppose they all have their local chorus

I wonder what it’s like to experience being a star

Life is not as simple as my comprehension can grasp, this I know because this is the way of the universe

I see but a small fraction,

I comprehend little

I want to become a wind that searches for you

Maybe I’d be the same wind I curse at

Maybe you’d curse at me

I don’t know

I don’t know you

Sometimes I believe that you exist

And other times I feel alone

Who could possibly fit me?

I wonder

They’d have to be extraordinary

Could I handle someone so much more than me loving me?

I don’t know

I hope you’re out there

I hope you know I’m thinking of you

Somewhere

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