Elucidating Questions

I’m not doing any kind of disappearing

I’m fact I think I’m doing a good job of existing recently

Existing

I only called for Death once in the last while

And to be fair I’m in agony

It can’t be helped

More afraid of it than anything

I hope you’re 元気

I’m always kind

Haha

The eye roll though

I’m kind in bursts

Like a kindness volcano

Of kindness

Volcanoes sleep for most of their lives though

So there’s that

I do wonder if you’ll laugh at it someday

Without a day

Without a way

Maybe it’ll be a joke told

My hands are all scratched up

Read about sepsis

I’m definitely that strange god chosen sort of lucky

Yeah I bet you’re sorry whoever you are

Kidding

Thank you for this fucked up life

It’s most certainly not boring

And sure, it’s nothing but pain

But you put him and me on the same planet at the same time

So thank you

They’re gone

Every last berry bush in the backyard

Torn to shreds

Destroyed

I can kind of handle it when he mows the lawn and kills all the bees’ food

But this

Generations

Families of bushes

Why?

There can be no good reason

No reason to completely destroy every single one of them

Never mind I harvested those bushes for my piggies

The birds needed those bushes

You just murdered several birds

And entire generations of plants

Like seriously fuck

Fuck humans

They act all enlightened and then commit mass murder for no reason

Sorry was the backyard not disgusting grass only enough for you?

Too much nature for you to handle?

Did you enjoy clipping and pulling and twisting and clawing their life away?

Because they’re not “pretty”?

Doing no damage other than being born there

Destroyed

And fuck that wind chime noise making piece of shit that the bushes are no longer hiding the ringing of

The wind was already pretty

Fuck

Now it’s out of tune and sharp

I don’t understand you people

I don’t fucking understand you people

I want to go back to Japan

No

日本に帰りたい

But would it even be the same?

Has memory coloured my vision?

Is it tinged by want to be there?

Was it really so much easier to exist there?

Do I remember or do I want to?

It’s a question of the accuracy of memories

And years have passed

Maybe they’re just as entrenched in this culture war

I wish I had gone into hiding

Just stayed in Japan forever under the radar

Man I miss being able to express myself

One language

Especially when that one language is English

Is not enough

It’s not enough

I want to learn every word

I wish there was a place on this Earth that called to me that I could trust to be as good as I remember it

But Acadia is gone

Acadia is gone

And nothing else holds up to my own hype of it

I’m always wide awake

Do you ever get those little messages from the universe and wonder what they mean?

I don’t even remember what I did

But I said I was proud of myself

I remember however, very vividly, the arm slung over my shoulder and the pitying look

You can’t be proud of yourself

My dad told me

Only other people can be proud of you

Many years ago

I went to this coffee shop and met this woman who was handing out decorated paper strips on the other side was a reminder, a statement, a word of encouragement

We picked from her hand

Mine said Be Creative

It’s lived in my bag ever since

A tiny reminder of what is inside of me

I never saw her again until today

Today my strip said

I am proud of myself

And I looked at it

Tried not to laugh

And thanked her

Universe your messages are queerer than me

I get it

It’s one of those lessons I haven’t unlearnt

But no one ever gives me a manual of unlearning

I never know where to start

I don’t know how to show myself that love

All those things that talk about the inner child

I can’t face mine

I’ve been abusing myself for decades

How do I look into the eyes of myself and explain why?

It’s just another lesson I shouldn’t have heard

From someone who was supposed to teach me how to love myself

Instead he did this

And I am the result

Can I even be proud of myself?

I can’t imagine loving myself

Until someone gives me permission

Just like with everything else in my life

Universe, you tell me, tell me I’m allowed

I guess you just did

Let me think on it

I’m not crazy

No, I am

We’ve accepted this

Today is a much more acceptable sunny day Mr Sun

Cool

Bright

Birds are crying all over

Singing their songs

The daffodils are out everywhere

太陽の印

Yours, that is

Your many many names

Thick Sun

Japanese is apt

Well you’re not massive

Thank goodness

I was having nightmares about giant stars

Good morning Mister Owl

It’s not morning

Well it is somewhere

It’s so weird

See I usually get this feeling

About bad people

You don’t know how many times I inexplicably avoided a band only to find out terrible things they did

And of course my opinion is that having money just corrupts the soul

So maybe that’s just what happened

And I was blinded by my first impression

とにかく

Mine now

Sitting just out of his gaze

Does he know I feel this little ache when I realise he’s out of mine?

Oh Big Burning Ball of Fire

This world you’ve created is a mystery

And I don’t understand it nearly as well as apparently anyone else

Or maybe I do and I deny it

I don’t know if hope is a good thing to have, or an excuse to let this keep going

Not that I have any power

Nor do I want it

The ability to turn this

This

Off

Because then I’d just be making excuses for a race that doesn’t deserve it.

Because if I had that power and didn’t use it

I’d be proof this race is doomed.