Elucidating Questions

My position on humanity

My beliefs

My stance, political because it has to be

Doesn’t have a direction

There is no right or left

I just want people to come together and have minimal respect for other people

Respect means understanding that all people need a home, food, a community

Respect means every body owns their own body just as much as you own yours

Respect means understanding that every human on this planet has gone through trauma, that there is no “size” of traumatic events

But I don’t want to consume this planet until she dies along with us

I want people to understand that having minimal things, especially when we all buy things we don’t need, recieve things we don’t use, waste something at some time in our lives, is better

That’s at least 8 billion wasted things, just recently

Imagine all of history

Normalise just giving things away that you don’t need

Thinking about how you loved it for a moment and giving it away because that’s just how life works and it finished whatever job it had with you

Even if you were just a bridge between points

I wish I could see a better world before I’m gone

I have no direction beyond preservation of everything

Absolutely everything

We’ve gone too far

We need to stop and redirect ourselves

I just hope it’s okay that I hide here

Somewhere I can feel

Things are so heavy right now

Chester knows how I feel

Calling on all my angels

Just to take her from her trauma to somewhere quiet

Somewhere better

Please don’t let this be all she is

I wish I had someone to take care of me right now

It feels very difficult to even feel

Someone to help me with this burden

I continue to carry alone that gets so heavy

Goddess of Love

You know she was a goddess

Just another beautiful woman trying to exist in this cruel world

I wish she had seen in her the potential

I was always disappointed because I thought she had it

Now I can’t even be mad about the end

Chester

I know you’re all there

Sun, universe, planets, stars, etc

That 決して独りじゃない is, in and of itself, true.

In the scope of there being a thing that is a being nearby in cosmic terms

But I wish I had someone close to me

I want to be selfish and say I don’t want to be alone right now

But I’m fine

Chester, Ferryman, Sun,

I’m not alone

But I feel so alone

I miss you

You were selfish and oblivious of the harms you caused other people right up to the last act

But you were my sister, if not by blood

I had so many issues with you unspoken

I never let that get in the way of treating you fairly

And I am glad because now the only regret I’m left with is not being all knowing and stopping it

What were you doing?

Were you like me and trying to numb the pain of existence only to have it numb you out of existence entirely?

You were supposed to live and I was supposed to tell you how mad I am at you for doing something so stupid

But you didn’t and I’m so mad at you

And so broken up about the fact that you’re gone

And these emotions are so complex I cannot even voice them

It doesn’t feel fair to say rest in peace when your daughters are left in the wake of your Grand Mistake

More like how dare you rest when they are but a kindergartener and a budding confused teen?

How much more damage did you want to do to your daughters?

You’re so fucking selfish

I miss you

How could you

I would say how could I but once more I am left behind by someone who had more worth in this world than I do

And how do I express this loss, this anger, this bewilderment?

It may as well have been suicide

I can blame your piece of shit boyfriend all I want but you made the choice

Just like I did

Why am I here?

They’d want her over me

Why did I live but she didn’t?

Why did I get to overdose and walk away

Over and over again

Even when I overdosed on fucking crack

But she didn’t?

We always think we have more time with our loved ones

I would like to put forward that others act like me just in this

That no matter what you’re holding in your heart against another person, unless you’re willing to talk about it, you still treat them with kindness

Because we have no control over others

And they will go without warning

It’s a question they sticks out in this universe of mine

What do you want?

On par with The Question

The Question being the important question

This one sticking out like a sore thumb

And I don’t know

Impossibilities aside

Yes even if I’m still loving him 24 hours a day

I don’t know

Endless guinea pigs?

See but that’s impossible again

Wanting impossible things just makes me sad

Knowing it will always remain a dream I see night and day

I am troubled

What to want on this planet of not enough for some people and too much for others?

Sometimes I want to pick a fight with the people who stare at me

I’m not even wearing my arm thingies or my contacts

I guess I just want to know what they’re thinking

I wish I could make something of all this

Something

I want to be something other than unknown

See there have been times I don’t want to be perceived

But over the last few years I’ve been desperate to be perceived

And someone just perceived me as a they/them

Their dog was interested in me because I had food

I turned around and they saw this

And said “oh I wondered why you were interested in that person”

Instead of her or that woman

My mum still misgenders me

It’s hard

I just want to be anything but a woman or a man

Whatever the heck exists in-between

That something I don’t know how to name

I don’t think there are words for it

Something wild and untameable

Something that exists under Apollo and Artemis’s gaze lifelong

Something always wondering and never sure

I’m not still a youth

Not like that

But there is a part of youth I have never given up on

Something in youth that still glows in me

I just don’t know what it is

It’s the part of me that sees the same scenery over and over and still experiences it as new

It’s the way I still see weather phenomena mysterious and wild even knowing how it works

It’s how I talk to my gods constantly

They’re probably tired of hearing from me

That something in me that I can only verbalise as magic

I’m not what my outside makes me seem like

My outsides are all wrong

It’s hard looking in the mirror sometimes

Knowing some other person is looking back

And the misgendering just reinforces that my outsides are wrong

That the me who participates in this dance daily is not who everyone sees