Elucidating Questions

I will wait

Thinking I will always wait

For you

Not knowing who you is

Or what

Whether you is right beside me

Whether my life is some strange love story between a humanoid and the Sun

Okay, but, Apollo, my Sun, my dear

寂しくない？

For both of us?

Me being a blip on your lifetime

Not that I don’t hope there’s been someone like me on this planet at all times there’s been a someone

I do hope the destined time is near

As much as I love you, my beautiful ball of fire, I need human contact

Sorry

Do stars hear eachother?

I suppose they all have their local chorus

I wonder what it’s like to experience being a star

Life is not as simple as my comprehension can grasp, this I know because this is the way of the universe

I see but a small fraction,

I comprehend little

I want to become a wind that searches for you

Maybe I’d be the same wind I curse at

Maybe you’d curse at me

I don’t know

I don’t know you

Sometimes I believe that you exist

And other times I feel alone

Who could possibly fit me?

I wonder

They’d have to be extraordinary

Could I handle someone so much more than me loving me?

I don’t know

I hope you’re out there

I hope you know I’m thinking of you

Somewhere

お大事にしてね

It’s probably never a good time to tell your mum you’re a medium but when her daughter is dead and your Aunt is sending you messages with actual words and not just feelings you kind of have to say something right?

I don’t know if it does any good

The dead with their messages

Hermes

Haha haven’t spoken to you in a while, I know

It is a gorgeous day

Does telling my mum I recieve messages from via you du monde des morts

Does that help?

There’s a reason I don’t tell people about my very strange contract with death

One foot in the afterlife

Trying to understand messages from those who are beyond humanity now

Purposely ignoring my sister and her regret

Because if I didn’t I’d break

Damn regret

You did it now go become unhuman

Let your messages slowly make less sense

Let your nudges become those things I realise afterwards

Slowly the words become abstract feelings

And the nudges more like your will streaming through

Return to the thing that we come from

I’m aware the afterlife couldn’t be something I can comprehend

But it is there

Sometimes I fear death, even knowing that some part of me will remain

And I don’t think they disappear

But those words

They disappear

Until a moment like this

Auntie Cath am I doing okay?

I feel like I’m failing again

It’s hard to hear the things they want to say to me

Because I get in the way

Because when I hear you feel

You’re doing fine

Keep going

Always

I look around and see all around me and wonder what life they’re watching

And then again with the

出来る事限りする

I don’t even think that’s a complete Japanese sentence

Because it’s mixed with

Doing. And Good.

Separate English words

No sentence

Never a complete sentence

And me doesn’t know how to feel about that

Because me feels like every human life on this planet is my responsibility

Are they not?

Every being, plant, the planet

I should be trying to make it better

For all of them

If life was better would we need to fight over things anymore?

But my one foot in the grave

Begging him to take me back

Ferryman

Death

I don’t know if that’s why

I always heard them after all

Maybe hearing them makes me long for home

Earth has to be here for a purpose

So much potential squandered

So much potential locked below the poverty line

Not me

Maybe me

Do I tell them all the things that come to me when I see them?

Do I tell them I meet people with their ancestors watching

Something

If I’m insane so be it

It’ll just have to be

I want to sing with you

And on drops of words I do

In retrospect

You singing alone with millions singing with you

Eventually

In ways you never meant for it to be

I dreamt of you last night

I remember very clearly something about ranking

And nothing else

Maybe I just want to sing with anyone

I don’t know, I have no one to sing with

So I sing along for the five hundredth time

Five hundred me’s singing with one you

Minor

Is this a key or a confession from the universe

In its endless telling of you

One time singing

That I raise my voice to over and over

Praying one day we’ll hit the notes at the same time and the universe will be pleased with the sound

I wish there was a safe place to sing

Together

With someone

Obituaries are terrifying

All you were boiled down to a few words on a page

Like the end of a book it skims over all that came before

Some plot points were left out

And I am left to think

Is that all you were?

Gone now away and these words

This collection of sentiments

Is all that remains of you

Melissa

I have no where to put my anger

My feelings of abandonment again

Gone without a trace

All that was left was your high as fuck loser boyfriend

This isn’t right

I’ve been telling myself

This can’t be right

This can’t be your story

You never got to stand up on your own two feet and fight

You never got to see your daughters grow and learn and change

But there it is

Some thousand characters long

Left in the trails of wept tears,

Lost on the internet much like these words will be

How could you leave me to carry this memory of you?

Loved by all who knew her

But never really knew it

Blitzed herself into oblivion

And now you’re a statistic

Of toxic drug deaths

And now we carry this flag of loss

Death could only take you

Because you asked him to

I really just wish there was a point to all of this

Seeing romantic relationships on TV just makes me sad

Seeing people with friends just makes me lonely

And they have friends who will take care of them

Do you really think I’d need all this weed if my space was filled with something other than the sound of my own mind trying to drown me?

There is nothing for me here yet I persist

And I don’t know why

Someone else could do a better job at being me

My never meets expectations self

And my never meets expectations life

And one of my friends posted on Facebook

Look I wrote a book of poetry will someone test read it for me?

And I laughed out loud

Right because you were so supportive 2000, 1000, 500, and 1 poems ago when I shared the link to my site

Fuck that noise.

I am no longer giving more than people give me

And I’ll still be in agony but at least then people will have left me the fuck alone so I stop getting the hope that I’ll be anything but.

If I chose this life I’m a sadistic piece of shit so maybe I deserve it

And I’m afraid of death but afraid of living one second longer in Hell.

Maybe death would be quiet and I would be free to dream

Gee wouldn’t it be nice if $200 just showed up

Fuck this life, man

God, you tell someone to take others into consideration

Especially around aging and death

And they’re like it’s not that deep

Sorry, do you go up to people with aging grandparents/parents and say

Look how old they are!?

Do you?

Just for clarification

This man loves this dog second most in the entire world but let’s point out that she’s getting old

For fun

But also my sister just died and I’m sorry

My love

I can’t be fucked today

You don’t need some poor disabled LGBTQ2S+ type human standing up for you

Your bank account does that

So apologies

I’m done with it right now

Like it even matters to him

Presumptuous to consider it could

If his sister died there would be thousands of people holding him up in his time of need

I don’t hope for anything of the like

I’m just saying

Pulling my sorry ass into the ring for some famous rich white boy

Yeah not today

Babe

I’ve been very me today

Claws and all

We’re taking turns

Like a slowly spinning sphere

One part me

One part some other me

But decidedly

I think people should be standing up for me right now

At the moment I don’t have much fight in me

There is too much sorrow

Too much loss

Too much life, the universe’s most precious element, being wasted

With last breaths

I don’t want to think about someone else being as sad as I am right now

But, I don’t know,

If there’s any truth to the insanity I’d watch it.

Keep telling your loved ones they are important, needed, and loved.

In the end it’ll never be enough.

Words are as light as feelings are heavy

And even the ink blackening the page does not portray

The weight as you’re pulled under again

Sometimes you say goodbye over and over and over again