Elucidating Questions

Spent half my rent

You can’t understand what it’s like to not have enough

While people around you with more talk about how little they have

While seeing people spend $800 on clothes

It’s hard to understand why that person has the money to do that and I don’t

What did that person do to deserve to have enough to spend that much

While I cut back and live less and enjoy less

And this sick reliance

I have to spend money to stay sane

I have to spend money to stay sane

You don’t understand how othering it feels to be surrounded by food when you’re hungry

But you can’t eat any of it

Or to just lay in my chair all day hungry

You don’t know how hard it is to just exist

Doing the same things

Everything the same

My god

It’s awful

I need something new

And because I’m devoid of social experiences

I need something new often

Do you understand that my brain is going to turn to literal mush if I don’t keep it occupied?

It’s so hard

I can’t make life bearable and afford rent

Dear Universe

Help please

やり過ぎた

There has been so much grief lately

If I’m not grieving my own things

35,000 deaths

And still fucking counting

Like it’s okay

Or the news will tell me some heartbreaking story

And I’m so exhausted

Not to say that my exhaustion is anything like living in a warzone

But the other things

Having huge feelings

I feel so intensely

And to this endless tale of loss within my life

That I have no power to help in any way

I want to do something

Even with the power

Would my body let me?

So tired

How to stay awake when living is a nightmare?

My dream world, while strange and confusing and repetitive

Most of the time I’m able

There’s nothing I can do in waking

I feel so helpless and tired

We were supposed to go to Pride together

My sister and me

And at once I was angry and hurt and overwhelmed by how angry and hurt I was

And the knowledge that it’s going to be like this

Every first

Mother’s Day was so hard

When my manager handed me a discount card that would have been for her

Customers casually discussing the deaths in their family and whose funeral they’d been to

There was no funeral

Someone tell me how there was supposed to be a funeral from a person on a disability pension and a retired Navy vet?

It’s sick what they make people pay for

Oh, yes, our daughter just died and now we get the privilege of paying 10k for the whole process

Sick

And I’m helpless to help because I can’t even afford rent each month anymore

And these little things I do to keep myself sane are costing more and more

Caught between never getting the chance to say goodbye and not wanting to ever say goodbye

I’m so mad at you Mel

I’m so mad at you for doing this to us

I walk out of a solid year of doing hard drugs unscathed

She does drugs with her new boyfriend a couple times and this happens

It’s not fair

Sol tell me

If we’re all part of you

And you’re a part of something else

Do we go home at the end?

Do we wander endlessly?

I yearn to see once again those I’ve lost but

I’m so afraid of eternity because I’ve never experienced a good thing for any length of time

Something always comes along to blacken the experience

I also don’t want to go to a place that is away from you

My dear Sol and planets

I would miss this Earth

I want to go to a place where

Where it’s alright and I’m safe and sound with you

You know

Blatant plagiarism

But that’s what I want

All these people and creatures in my life that have been but a moment

You’ve been the only one who doesn’t reject me or end up lost along the way

Not that I know whether you have the ability to reject someone

Sol

Saturn

It’s just so hard to believe she’s gone

If there was such a god that created Jesus

That they’re all so hoping will leave us to rot

Perhaps he really did just leave when they didn’t get the point of the whole crucifixion dealy

Off to some other such planet where things live

To make another being that isn’t so bull headed as us

Perhaps we are left here to do what we will

Maybe this is what happens when there is no all knowing God

Some great being left to create in this space

Maybe

I find it hard to believe that there is any all knowing thing

The universe themselves I do not know what they know

Do

Perhaps as confused and lost as the rest of us

This place is just so strange

I’d like to see a world where Jesus never happened

I sees me a theme I do

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

Such bullshit was rarely spoken so confidently by so many

In any number of cases this is clearly not correct at best

And at worst it’s callous and dismissive

How does denying the damage anything up to death can do, do?

It may not kill you, that doesn’t mean you’ll be stronger for it

I don’t hear it as often as I used to

And the theme appeared to be admonishing the phrase

There’s so many things in this world that can do so much worse to you than simply dying

What doesn’t kill you may very well send your life on a trajectory it was never meant to be on

We need to acknowledge these things

Not sweep them under the rug