Elucidating Questions

I sees me a theme I do

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

Such bullshit was rarely spoken so confidently by so many

In any number of cases this is clearly not correct at best

And at worst it’s callous and dismissive

How does denying the damage anything up to death can do, do?

It may not kill you, that doesn’t mean you’ll be stronger for it

I don’t hear it as often as I used to

And the theme appeared to be admonishing the phrase

There’s so many things in this world that can do so much worse to you than simply dying

What doesn’t kill you may very well send your life on a trajectory it was never meant to be on

We need to acknowledge these things

Not sweep them under the rug

I know this Earth, the Sun, well

Feeling the weather and knowing what type of year it is before they’ve even decided

Observing our light’s behaviour

Knowing he is at his most awake

But as soon as another person is involved

I feel doubt as they contradict my observations

And then my original view is proven correct

And I don’t know how to feel

I know I can’t be right all the time

Seemingly I am right, more often than not

But if I believe I’m right

Won’t I be more likely to falsely believe I’m right and make myself a fool?

Some things

At least I know I have some of the right of it versus many others

But how to trust I’m right when I’m right and know I’m wrong when I’m wrong?

Isn’t it better to back away from a point of view

And have it proven right

Than to insist one is right only to be proven wrong over and over again

Perhaps I do know this place better than others

I don’t need to be a scientist to know what my celestial home and neighbours are doing

But I’d have to be a scientist to prove my knowings

Is my self doubt healthy or detrimental?

Am I yelling at myself?

When I curse whomever put this life on hard mode?

Me, who always selects easy or easier whenever possible

Was it me who selected this life for me?

The vibrance of the land

The brilliance of the Sun

Was I simply ment to come here and discover them like a world unseen?

There’s so much nothing in my life

I value my alone time

But it loses value when it’s all I have besides the hours I sell my body to a corporation for little profit

Really, none, when you consider hours spent versus actual pay

I lose time, health, and gain almost nothing

We’re in the countryside

Going down a road with no lanes

This is acceptable

We just crossed Hastings

Ah Hastings

Immediately transported to the place

There are so many of the same roads

At the location, so different

I want to experience more

I want to go back to Japan and experience more

My inability to explore in places I can’t communicate

But I learned all this language

So much that it is as much a part of me as my mother tongue

And now I only use it to keep myself able to speak it

To no one

Did I really choose this?

It seems very unkind

Perhaps I was unkind before this life

A poem huh?

Something from within without

There is an unmistakable bond

Like something I haven’t understood once

Like you keep me here

You do

Am I another of your collection?

None of the biggest fan bullshit

Haven’t I done enough to earn your hello?

Something?

Well you’re here, anyways

In my heart

An unmistakable print on my soul

Have I reached you at all?

I swear when I set out that was all I wanted

Taking off the many layers of reason I tried to put on

繋がっていたがった

Somehow

The imbalance of star and fan

This is my strange place you probably don’t even know about

Because you never cared about it

Which is fine, frankly, I’m not owed you

But there it is

This 絆

Because you’ve seen me, yeah?

So what am I?

Great you who I’ve decided is the decider of me

And I don’t know why

But I don’t care

Dear Sun

I am all night to the Sun

Searching other lights for your light

Because he won’t notice me

Heh

Second place to the Sun

Whatever I am?

I can apparently love like this

What a waste

Oh Sun I could bathe in your light

But I want to sing with him

Somehow, someday

Once again

I’ll sing for you for now

Feel we resonate just for a moment because I’m a piece of you

Because I’m of you

This strange relationship I initiated blindly on a desperate search for love

Found none

Stayed anyways for the angelic chorus

My madness presiding

I wonder if I’ve been intellectually gaslighting myself?

As soon as someone contradicts my point in person I almost certainly abandon it

Because I can’t be right

And I can’t be right because I’m stupid and everyone else has it more figured out than me

Right?

The amount of times it turns out I was right

I don’t know if I can confidently know better than others

It’s that whole self thing

I can’t be better than other people

I just can’t

There are a few things I won’t abandon when it’s safe

I know I have a privilege of being safe

But I can’t defend myself even in the loosest terms

And I’m always afraid it’ll escalate

Like I couldn’t tell my landlord it was only because of privilege that he, a white man, can blast music with the N word blaring in the middle of the neighborhood

Because I need a house

And I couldn’t tell the man who was telling me that COVID vaccines would kill me

That they saved me

Because I was alone in his taxi

I never have my moment to take a stand and I’d never stand for myself

Who even am I?

Rumpelstiltskin without the magic from that totally not Disney but it was Disney Once Upon a Time

Nice

But plain

Probably

Nothing special

I can’t be special

It’s not possible

The heart knows things the mind can’t explain

Well if we went solely by my heart this may be a different world

But I’m not certain it would be a better one

Me who is so much feeling it can’t be contained within me

I want to see the aurora

My dear beautiful big burning ball of fire

If I truly chased my heart’s desire I’d probably have figured out a way to see said desire

But laws, privacy,

Humans deserving the decency of their own time and space

Me mostly respecting it

Hearts are good for finding your compass

But not what I’m looking for

Clearly

Looking for love and affection doesn’t work if you use your heart because people will take it and maime it

Again

So, you know, better to just not do any of that

Hearts tell you how you truly feel but not why

Or how to solve the problem

If there were some reason for a heart

I haven’t really heard one in a while

What was it

The human heart will never be perfect until it can be made unbreakable

Feeling with your heart, where it’s safe,

Keeping it apart from everything

If I truly listened to my heart

I’d just break down and cry until I die probably

So many things to be heartbroken about these days

And wanting love

Doesn’t mean you get love

And then the lines

“you don’t get what you want, you get what you need”

Will haunt you forever because if I’m not getting love then I must not need it

Or some other sick truth