Elucidating Questions

Say anything

Been saying anything

For half a decade

Damn

Almost the entire length of my childhood

In my adulthood

Adulthood is strange

Many childhoods fit in it

Still saying anything

Two

Three

Four

Maybe I’ve just taken up your job of pining

Maybe there has to be a certain number of pine-ers

The bus played jet.mp3 instead of bus.mp3

Loud

Been trying to use the accessible bus

It is often inaccessible

In that it is not available due to being too busy with other people

Ears are bugging

Man,

I just need transportation

Life was not built for disabled people to live comfortably

However it was built so that I’m constantly swimming against the current

I’m not a damn salmon, you know?

I be a fish

But not that fish

So hungry

That on the bus and starving mood

You don’t know that mood

If you did it’s so far behind you the memory is probably sweet to you somehow

I just

How do I hope a silent wall is a good person?

I can’t even believe people I know are good people in my bad moments

But him

Why, I wonder?

I do not have the answer to that question at this time

Right now

The Sun is caressing the back of my head

Do people really not feel him touching them?

How do they not?

I am more mystic than person at this point

This endless solitary journey

Hey Jesus you spent 40 days and 40 nights in the desert?

6 years virtually always alone except the hours I’m a customer service servant

You lightweight mother fucker

Not sure why this is the sentence for failing epically at true love

Ah well

Epic faillery is my modus operandi

Right?

ね？

Get it later then

I’ve probably written the largest collection of useless words

Take that JK Rowling

Take that Josh

It’s a competition you see

To the bottom I guess

And this we’ll write

Sing sing singing it back

Pour l’éternité

でしょう?

Brain

Brain, I am concerned about you

You saw a goldfish cracker and called it a graham cracker

You forgot the word for the exercise we were going to do and called it “the thing“

I have forgotten my own name

Sometimes I catch you trying to call something the wrong word and stop you

But then you won’t tell me the right word

Forgot the names of good friends

Get lost at random

You make up pains like something is wrong

My body is the boy who cried wolf

How am I supposed to know when something is actually wrong?

You are the antagonist in my life

You are the thing standing in my way

You set our body on fire

But no one knows how to fix you

And I’m so terrified it’ll just get worse

I dreamt of you last night again

Last night did we talk?

Destined to dream

Of something I can’t quite remember

Until I think of tell

Do you though?

Memories? Or stories to keep life interesting?

That depends on who you’re talking to

Which me do you want to talk to?

Do you want your music to feel like genius?

It is

But you can’t have been living the same life

Unless I trapped you in a loop with my fiddling

And that would give me too much credit

You can accept it any time

I’m just here

My dear Sun

Love couldn’t be truer

And yet

Isn’t it just a bottle of potential

Isn’t it just an accessory for him to wear?

I thought I wished you happy ever after

Missing is an idea of what is being missed

As opposed to knowing what it is

I don’t think I’ll ever know what it means to sing a love song for someone tangible

Singing them forever to my beautiful ball of fire instead

I think that’s enough of you

Sing some love to someone who gives some back

Afterall

He shows me these magnificent views

Where you belong

You mean here on Earth with your thousands of screaming fans who love you?

Nevermore to be tricked by a cry for something you already have

You got what you wanted and you aren’t unknown

You but it’s different

You but I’m tired of hearing what you don’t have when you do

Can you even relate to anything but a rich man’s life anymore?

But to maintain the same story as if nothing’s changed

It must be so hard for you to have all your needs met in excess and still cry for more

If anything I’m the answer you were looking for

Maybe nothing else but to tell you it’s getting old

Sing new, sing good

And so on and so forth

Could we meet with eyes open

Aware of the disparity between us

All of your excess

Summoned this song I did

Summoned

You always have my attention

Except when you don’t anymore

Definitely I offered you more

Definitely I offered something different

Damned if you didn’t reject it with grande silence

Well that’s the game I told you I’d sing it back sing it back but

Man

Same story

And you’re still incapable of seeing your own light

And you’re still pining

Pining for things you already have if you’d just get out of your own damn way

Darling

Just had to have one last big hurrah wasting mum and dad’s money

Sometimes that’s how I feel

And then there are other times where I’m just desperate to have her back

If she had lived I could be angry at her

But it’s just moments

Where I want to lash out and blame

Grief

Grief is like being caught in a room full of flying keys to a thousand doors that you swear contain relief behind them

Being torn to shreds by the sharpness of the keys

You try the tiny doors but when they do open

It just feels like there are more keys

More doors

The floor is lurching below your feet

You can barely stand upright

But outside the world is continuing on as normal

No one sees your room of keys and doors

And at once that room must be contained within as life continues and you are forced to continue in this strange doubled vision of keys and rooms and

Everything else being completely normal

Where you must be both searching and at rest

Trying to stay on your feet and walking assuredly one foot in each place

Trying to keep pace with this endless going

Remember when a community member dying meant the community gathered

Why, why, does a person dying cost the family thousands of dollars?

Isn’t that one of the first things the government should take care of?

Body barely cold

Pouring over paperwork and laws and filing this and handling that

Grief so fresh it’s still a taste in their mouths

Better kill them with paperwork

Well we’d make more money that way anyways

Right?

Society so addicted to profit it can’t even wait for a moment while a family grieves

My bereavement pay was $90

That was fun

Lucky I even got $90

But isn’t that sick though?

No?

Insanity

Another point of view, I had always considered the people who would have to go through it

But I went through it and now I’m what?

I’ll feel more pain when I hear of this happening

One more experience to add to the growing pile

Of things that make me hurt more to exist

No need to fret

You fool of fools

Your life is more normal than mine

Oh you precious summer child

Did I not offer you more?

And magic and unknowns and insanity

But damn if you don’t

As usual

Have the voice of an angel?

I feel the want to poke holes in your complaining

Dogs

True love

Casual genius

Oh so normal

And you fit more in this world than I ever will

It’s almost sad you haven’t figured it out yet

But there’s your casual masterpiece I didn’t notice for a while because my sister died

Seriously my life is so much more fucked than yours could ever be

And damn if I don’t fall in love again at the sound of a guitar I know is playing your heart

I’m probably too out of this world for you to ever handle anyways

Enjoy your normal life