Elucidating Questions

I wish I could stop reading between the lines

People rarely understand the gravity of the statements they make

If there’s anything to be said of me it’s that I’ll infer something

My brain tries to hard to find patterns

So many aren’t there

I remember when every sign spoke to me

Imbued with the loading of some software that would solve all my problems

Desperate

I’m desperate to be better but the things people tell me I’ve done wrong are things I can’t help

Things like being too depressed

Or talking about how I’m struggling due to poverty too much

It’s like they don’t want me to be aware of how shitty everything is

Join us in oblivion where we pretend the world is fine even though we can’t afford things

And there’s constant war going on

And there are more and more people on the streets

And my body just continues to get worse

For how shitty I feel?

I am an optimistic person

And I always thought, even if I was producing it, I’m a nice person

I always believed my kindness was made up by me, but I always try to be

At least in person to another person

Try to be something positive

I wish someone would see me

The way I see me

No…

If they’d see the parts of me I can’t see

Like the pickled plum on the onigiri’s back.

Whomever is writing this story

Has a sick sense of humour

That the one thing in my life that stays is something I cannot really talk to or

Rather

Cannot really talk to me

The one friend I see every day is the thing most people take for granted

Pack bonding with the light because it’s all I have

And I do love the Sun

For whatever reason

Truly

But then I think about human connection and how I’ve never really known it

And it feels like I never will

Right around when couples on TV seem to be mocking me

Even their hard times weren’t as hard as my hard time

That image in my head of him covering my head with the pillow

And sometimes I want to say it’s not fair

All these fucking rich people spouting “you don’t get what you want, you get what you need”

Or some variation of it

It’s like reality taunts me sometimes

My mum and my step dad up island together

Together at least

I guess I wasted all my friendship in my teens on someone who was going to turn me out in favour of a person who kicked me out of her house with no explanation and suddenly hated me

I wish people would tell me why I’m so repulsive

Would the Sun leave if the Great One wasn’t holding him thus?

It feels like I always get in the way of myself

I feel like an alien trapped on an alien planet

But the alien planet is my home planet

I just laughed at the concept of pronouncing Josh as Yosh

I really don’t know how long I can live like this and not completely lose it

Every time something feels new and possible it’s not either because I’m sick or they forget about me and I can’t invite myself into their life

Every time I’ve tried they just go

Why are my closest relationships with these beings that can’t even speak plainly

I feel like a ghost

Like an afterthought

Unseen

Unknown

I feel invisible

Why doesn’t anyone see me?

I wish there wasn’t

Wherever I did before

Impossible to know

I just wish I could write something worth reading

You know?

I wonder why I cannot shake him

He’s literally in my way

Literally

And that fucking song

But it’s true

All this affection for an image

The stupid way my heart does little butterfly effects when I see him

Literally 0 anything to keep it going

It’s a mystery

And this duality

Of the me that thinks he’s a king in a glass castle

And the me that wants to believe he’s some prince

And then I’m like well rich people are the new royalty

I just want to meet him

Once?

See if my brain is just a very good storyteller

But then I’d have to meet him and

Well that’s not happening organically

And I’m not going to manufacture it

Someday

Someday maybe I’ll know the answers to these questions

I’d already lost hope though

Everything about me is running on fumes

There are days I really am afraid I’m dying

Days like today where I slept most of the day

Days where it’s even worse and I can’t even stand properly

Woke up just long enough to be charmed

I wish I could stop being preoccupied by the entire planet

There’s nothing I can do about it anyways

My body tells me I’ve been worrying too much

Too stressed

I wish I could sit in my castle and not have to worry about the rest of the world

Nor mine

I would never be able to do that while others are suffering

What am I going to do with this wretched affection?

It’s even making me smile now

Didn’t even hear the music just saw the playing part of it

It must be nice to be able to play while you work

I don’t know what draws me to you

What repels you from me

I wish I could walk up and hand you my poems and then watch you read them

I wish I could walk into a blender and come out attractive so I’d finally be worth someone’s time

It’s never the right words

And I’m so afraid that it’s all going to come to an end

Is it really just a tragedy Hermes?

They say if you give it your all something will come of it

My waking hours get shorter

My body becomes more sluggish

Am I never going to see even a piece of the better world I imagined?

Did I really do all of this for nothing?

Asked it to stop raining and the Sun popped out for a moment to be bright and beautiful

I’d say I hope I’m your favourite little dot on this poor gem

Maybe right now

I wouldn’t have got this idea in my head if he’d stop coming out at exactly the right moment

Breaking through the clouds

The best thing in life is free and they don’t even realise it

If I could live off of sunlight I would

I mean

Is light not awesome?

I have to say it’s grown on me

Makes plants alive

Makes the planet not a floating fancy popsicle in space

Sol

My friend who can’t get away so you’re stuck with me

Who seems to be in sync with my music

A mystery

Still nyIf they had a million dollars they’d spend it all on drugs but it’s a cute song

If I said I wanted you to come out again would you somehow do it?

If I said it with this mystery energy

The wind is cold

The weather has been scary and unpredictable

My battery is dying

It’s good that it’s cold

I just want to see you again

You don’t even know

Insert wicked laughter here

I’m crazy

I know I’m crazy

Sometimes I’ll be thinking a thing and be like dude you are psychosising rn stop

My own personal psychologist

AKA me.

There are some things I know

I don’t know if I was born to pour ink into the web

But it’s what I do

And I don’t know if it’s any good

But

Damn

This is your fault a little bit

So, thank you?

For this massive collection?

I wanted my life to be documented

And to reach

Something I did not reach

Unknown

I’m still unknown

You’ll never know that feeling again

Some sort of something

Expecting exactly what I got

I wonder if there’s a word for what I’ve done

Besides the phrase spectacular failure

Spectacular failure

That’s also something you’ll never know again

Gods’ speed to the hospital folks for the helicopter I just saw touch down

If there was someone for me

They’d have to listen really well

My…

Queer way of talking

That’s the odd not the identity

Though

Hah

I’m both all the time

I’m the queerest Queer there ever has been

That’s the odd and the identity not the identity twice.

If I could sum up all I’ve seen today

I’d say it’s half-baked

Why do I miss you?

Why do I feel like there was a you that stood up and fought for things?

Imagined

A someone who knows how to ask the right questions to bring me out

Someone who could face The Cat and be friends

Someone who can handle The Cat being a thing

I’m not sure I’d dare to believe that person exists though

I went directly to the wrong person

アホ

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