Elucidating Questions

Trying to see you through the clouds and even though I know I shouldn’t

And my vision is now green

It’s an uncanny feeling

That I want more of

Looking at you as plainly as a star

Big bright and round and whatever you are

Using the clouds as a shade

Like at once we are looking at eachother

Like making eye contact with some great beast

You looking at this gem you suspend in space

Laying eyes on a star is far less than seeing Sol

Maybe it’s because they’ve always said don’t look

I’ve learnt “don’t” actually means “there’s a way to do it anyways but I’m not going to tell you”

Well

Within limits

Obviously there is a way to jump from a plane and live but I’m not going to demonstrate because

I don’t know how

And it’s dangerous

“Don’t” usually means “outcome of success unknown/low”

We push the limits

It’s what we do

Someday I hope I’m big enough that I can hold the Sun

So many weights this being carries

Some we don’t even know about

I hope other people sing for you on this planet

That other people chance a look up

My only companion

It’s best it stays cloudy

But I hope other people notice you like I do

Classic

I didn’t say that prove I said that

Scrolls up and reads words again to make sure I didn’t misunderstand somehow

Oh look there are the words clear as day there they are I didn’t make up things someone said

Funny how when there’s a conversation log that happens

Mystery really

People have been telling me my whole life I’m delusional

Why?

Because it’s clear when I am delusional

Like I definitely was delusional when I was psychotic

That’s

Uh

How it goes

But when there is proof it always seems to point that I haven’t “misinterpreted” reality

It’s fine to disagree

But these people seem to actually be the delusional ones and they scares me

Because before I was delusional

Right?

I was the delusional one

But as time goes on realising there seems to be this solid majority of humans that are just insane

That’s terrifying man

Did we poison humanity out of our DNA?

Other animals

We see them

They seem to have the same capacity for caring that humans sometimes possess

Right?

So it’s a state that’s natural

Or is it something that came along afterwards?

Chicken and the egg except it’s actually unanswerable

Obviously the egg came first the chicken was inside it it mutated from some other thing.

But this

Which predates the other?

Kindness or malice?

I think about our development from cells

They were always eating eachother

Herbivores came after carnivores when you see it like that

But the malice

The lack of ability to see things from another person’s point of view

I’m so tired of meeting people who want me to suffer and having to see their point of view

Frankly it terrifies me

That whole turning the other cheek thing

I’ve done it my entire life and the space around me has crumbled into this after image of what I thought society would be

And now I can’t stand up for myself in the loosest of terms

I’ve been a doormat

They tell you to just go along because it’s better than making a scene and I am telling you right now, from experience, that is not true

They are lying to you to keep their peace

Not yours

Insanity

I know it well

But even in my insanity there was always a part of me that knew I was crazy

Do they know they’re crazy?

Do they know they’re insisting insanity upon the world

Like pouring gravy over cotton candy

Which would also be insane

Awake in my madness watching all the other little crazy people running around like they aren’t

Hazy skies

We’re such a strange species.

Seriously Rage Against the Machine doesn’t rage against the machine as much as me

Hello society I’m in fuck you mode today

Because people can see a person with almost 3 dozen convictions and say

But he’s not as bad as the guy in charge

And, here’s the thing

I may be Canadian but

Sorry not sorry Americans

The disgusting political garbage that comes from that country is toxic and infectious

And it spreads out

And if I ignore it I’m ignoring the head of the beast

And, yeah, every leader is garbage

Every leader is just another one of moneys’ bitches

No they’re not there to do greater good

They’re there to maintain

Collect some dough

Smile pretty

But Trump?

They think he’s better than do nothing Joe

Apparently wreaking havoc is better than doing nothing

Same with people thinking Harper was somehow better than Trudeau

Nope

You’re all wrong

They’re all awful

Burn the government to the ground and start over with something not modeled off of a failed society.

Oh those Greeks and Romans

So wise and doing everything right all the time

It’s unfortunate that circumstances completely beyond their faults brought their civilizations to their knees

Let’s emulate everything they did

But terribly

That’ll work!

I rarely say I’m good at something

But linguistically?

Most people didn’t teach themselves Japanese up to second year college

Most people didn’t have grammar patterns introduced in the advanced Japanese textbook once studying in Japan already memorized

Most people don’t have so many other pieces of other languages in their brain that they fight for dominance

Also my cognitive decline

As frustrated as I am with it

Only has me at struggling at normal

Instead of just incapable of speech

And I’ve seen that in other ME sufferers

You can tell me to be humble

But there’s an irony in telling that to someone who only says the positive things that can be proven about themself

And the comment was within the context of

Now I’m understanding why no one understands me

Not in an I’m better than anyone way

Who can say that being gifted with language is even a good skill?

Could I transplant to somewhere and just pick up the language?

Probably

But that’s useless when I’m trapped here

And the bonus of no one understanding me

Because I speak an alien language

It’s not exactly better to not be understood

Useless gifts abound

I know how to carry a tune

Draw a circle

There’s the Earth

I cannot draw a circle however

Every time I recognise something good about myself someone comes along to tell me I’m on a high horse or have a big head or whatever

I don’t know why people think me being good at a thing makes them bad

Because that is the only reason I can think of for someone to have a negative reaction to someone else having a skill

Facebook is wild

My choices are

Be attacked for being me

Be ignored

Or be attacked for speaking positively about myself

Which

I mean, readers

We know I’m not exactly positive about myself, yeah?

The once in a blue moon I am someone comes along and tries to tear me back down

I don’t think they realise how far they’re tearing me to

Humans are dangerous

The internet has taught me that

And interacting with people face to face is harder because I just wonder who they’re attacking online now that we’re all professional bullies selling off our data for a chance to harm someone else

Am I ever safe?

The internet has made it possible for me to get groceries

But the people who bring me the groceries aren’t paid fairly

The internet has connected me to billions

And they’re mostly monsters walking around in human suits

And somehow I’m just deeply pained

That this world is such a lonely one

And we don’t celebrate one another for the actual good parts of eachother

There is so much unright with this world

I get $1500 a month on disability

Every month

My rent is $900

I’m expected to fill in the gaps

Food costs $70 every two weeks

And I’m pinching every penny

My heart medication is $80

I need the distillate that I unwillingly pay $115 a week for

Food for the animals approximately $130 and I need my animals this is non negotiable

I’m not sure if you’re seeing the problem yet

My job

I can’t rely on my health

Depending on my ability and sick and vacation pay (I’m out of sick pay for the year in end of May)

Sometimes $400 for two weeks

Sometimes $100

And then comes the other spending

Disney+ because I need something to be playing in the background or I will lose it

$45 for my phone

Because it’s not feasible to not have one

Door Dash when I’m tired of having chicken pot pie or lasagna (microwaved)

Too much

But damn am I tired of microwave food

Things that keep me sane like yarn for crochet

Really, from this point on,

It’s keeping me sane or trying to keep me together

Nicotine keeps me sane but thanks to taxes now costs $65 for two weeks instead of $50

$120 for massage

$40 for chiropractor

Once ICBC runs out I’ll need $90 per session of kinesiology and ideally it would be twice a week

A pipe dream

I can’t even pretend to afford the chiro and massage regularly

My disability tax credit is around $1000 once the feds are done taxing my brains out

Because apparently I can make $21k a year and still owe $1000 in taxes

The numbers nightmare I’m faced with every day

The amount of time my bank account hits 0

Numbers stress

Constantly

Nights of just sitting on the couch hungry

Because I don’t have anything but exactly the amount of meals I am allowed and screw lunch and snacks

And each year it gets worse

And I’m not just talking about inflation or them taxing some other thing

I’m talking my physical health gets worse

Some other added cost

The government doesn’t think I benefit from my heart rate being 120 instead of 160

It probably won’t think I benefit from any of the other things my body is going to come up with to have wrong with it

The government

Triumphantly

Declared a disability benefit

Funded as a lump sum payment once a year that works out to $200 a month

In a good place

Not even a perfect place

Just a decent place

Disability benefits would be handled at one level of government

And I wouldn’t be working

Except for maybe a 4 hour shift once a week because I need to work or

Once again, if my weary mental health hasn’t been obvious yet

I will go insane

People say this

I don’t think they quite grasp what going insane does

I’ve been insane

It’s fucking great until reality starts creeping in

The things a sick brain clings to

It’s only when they start being proven wrong

Clinging

I just don’t think people know

COVID and they decided that min $2k was needed to survive

And then rent tripled

And food doubled

And these fucking clowns still grin their sick grins and pat eachother on the backs for giving disabled people

People with fucking living costs

$1500 at provincial level

And maybe another $400 a month from the feds

Thank you for coming to my Ted talk

Eat the rich

Overthrow the government

Fuck capitalism

Oh this fear of death

With this grip of terror

I know this reminder is my mind telling me it feels unfulfilled

Why else would it remind me

Again and again

And I don’t know what comes after

I’ve whispered to dying piggies that he will be good to them

He

Death

Ferryman

Collector

Guide

In my dreams he is a man I run through reoccurring nightmares to see

Yes, yes

Packing

And being late

And terrifying car rides

And buses

And conventions

And hotels

And trains

But he

I finally reach him and I feel like I’m home

I feel like I’m safe

Well

As in well

Good

No fear

No pain

Mystery being

I’ve no way of knowing if this him and the Ferryman him are actually the same

I don’t know where he comes from or why I go to him

This is just the connection my mind has made

He’s always some great being

Some godlike person I’m always searching for

You

Saturn

Him

I don’t fear you

I fear the process of getting to you

I fear that this has all been some sick thing my relationship starved brain came up with to keep me placated with having nothing

That we end with nothing

But

But when I ask the Universe

They remind me how many many impossible possibilities are contained within just this space

Our space

Sol and family

I say

Ah that’s right

I’m breathing the air that just so happens to be breathable

Because I just so happened to happen

And life just so happened to happen

Sol just so happened to happen

I then ask the Universe what death is like

They do not know

Only the results

The death of the cell

And the cells of the cell

That is why there must be some spirit that understands death

Or not

It seems to make sense to me

Our deaths

Life being different in ways we can’t imagine

Death must be similarly beyond my comprehension

Whenever I ask if I need be afraid

They always say no

Dear Death

If we meet tonight

Remind me to thank you for being my one hug almost every day for the past 7 years

Mystery man

Dream man

Perhaps my brain being unable up handle that I am unlovable

Regardless

My only friends being my own brain and the Sun

At least I’m not a pretty face with no substance

Or something

I’ll try to be less afraid of you