Elucidating Questions

You don’t even know

Insert wicked laughter here

I’m crazy

I know I’m crazy

Sometimes I’ll be thinking a thing and be like dude you are psychosising rn stop

My own personal psychologist

AKA me.

There are some things I know

I don’t know if I was born to pour ink into the web

But it’s what I do

And I don’t know if it’s any good

But

Damn

This is your fault a little bit

So, thank you?

For this massive collection?

I wanted my life to be documented

And to reach

Something I did not reach

Unknown

I’m still unknown

You’ll never know that feeling again

Some sort of something

Expecting exactly what I got

I wonder if there’s a word for what I’ve done

Besides the phrase spectacular failure

Spectacular failure

That’s also something you’ll never know again

Gods’ speed to the hospital folks for the helicopter I just saw touch down

If there was someone for me

They’d have to listen really well

My…

Queer way of talking

That’s the odd not the identity

Though

Hah

I’m both all the time

I’m the queerest Queer there ever has been

That’s the odd and the identity not the identity twice.

If I could sum up all I’ve seen today

I’d say it’s half-baked

Why do I miss you?

Why do I feel like there was a you that stood up and fought for things?

Imagined

A someone who knows how to ask the right questions to bring me out

Someone who could face The Cat and be friends

Someone who can handle The Cat being a thing

I’m not sure I’d dare to believe that person exists though

I went directly to the wrong person

アホ

自分らしいね？

Why do I love you?

Why?

Nonchalantly posting videos of music production

Do you stand for anything?

Yeah, great, you’re a genius

Really that’s not even remotely what I care about right now

The thing I usually worry about

If you’re well

You’re well in comparison

And you have enough people to worry about you

You

Be something

I don’t have anything nice to say to you right now

Will you even notice?

Will you notice this?

If my words rise up to you and mean nothing

I’m free right?

Fire away

I’m a goner

Keep seeing how many shapes I can be

It’s unknown whether there will ever be a ripple

But I think your excess is starting to prove

Your silence seals it

I wish I didn’t care about this

Until the love is gone

But when is that?

This one sided conversation I’ve been holding for years

No one ever put fuel on this fire but me

Silence

The ultimate rejection

And I don’t even know if I like him anymore

So much silence about actually important things

And the absolute miracle that I lived and no one found out

The do nothing band

Really

Somehow

I tried very hard not to live

And either he’s blind, like, legally

Or he’s a coward

Even so I still feel attached

To nothing?

I’m attached to nothing

Hello random human

I hope I was nice to you

I hope people don’t think I’m brushing it off when I say the Sun is nice

Do you have ten minutes for me to write a poem about it?

Then you’ll know how I feel

きっと

きっと、だけど

He never did

Right?

We’re not talking thousands of messages a day

I guess you have to read the poem to understand

And it was okay because I have no self worth so

On to the next day

God

You’re so on my mind right now and it’s bothering me

This one important thing

And another day will go by

And I’ll never have these answers

Like why?

Why are you so special?

No, seriously,

I’m learning even the worst can have talent

I do hear you now on a daylights weary

And again, again

You’re a genius

Geniuses can be evil

The mage grows more and more curious

The blue’s wall and silence mean nothing

They are but a failure of the tongue

To be truthful

What could be hidden so deep within those walls that they must not be free?

Do you have a love for others?

People would consider this

If they weren’t so under your spell

Just had a meme

“Taylor Swift is also 34”

I’m 33, but also

I assume this is supposed to make me feel unfulfilled and like I’m not doing enough

Instead I just thought

Thank god I’m not like her

Setting up concerts in cities that ship off homeless people

And then I thought about all those huge concerts he did in Toronto

And wonder if he’s just as guilty

On a smaller scale

I have so many questions

And he has decided that either “safety” wise or financially silence is his policy

“safety”

Eyes the 35k dead people

Oh no

Your safety

From your paid for house with your for paid for groceries and several thousand dollar guitar collection

So scary

Rich people, I swear

Once the money shot gets in you it’s all you care about

Me, feeling like the worst person because I’m constantly begging to make ends meet

Meanwhile in their modern day castles they’re afeared for their safety

With several life times already funded

Humans, man

And people always look at me like I’m an inconvenience

But really the cowards should be

I’m having one of this days where yesterday and today feel like the same day

Could have sworn I poured ink into this thing just a bit ago

It’s a pity

That the days go by and they just go

I don’t know one from the other

There’s nothing different between them

Though I suppose I’d have eaten dinner twice if it was yesterday

Work tomorrow

Dragging my sorry ass to stand for ungrateful people for an hour and then sit for them

Not my managers

The only decent managers I’ve ever had

Ones that I’m not putting up on a pedestal because I’m a kid and they’re bigger than me

Or that I’m ignoring their faults because they’re kids

But my body doesn’t have the energy to do this anymore

It doesn’t

And as much as I praise La Niña for the rains

God I hurt

It’s all fine and dandy that Lady Gaga has an entire team dedicated to her chronic illness and she can still do stuff

Really, anyone with a disease as complex as this deserves a team

People over estimate me often

I over estimate me and then I’m expected to do the same thing again

People are like “why should we cater to your disability”

But, why shouldn’t you?

At some time in your life you will be or will know someone who is disabled

Why not make the world welcoming?

This society has this awful habit of assuming ability in others

I’m sure even the able bodied have noticed this

Tell me you’ve noticed this?

I assume you have the ability to get over the curb so it’s this high

I assume you have the ability to use your arms and body to open this door

Here’s one, short people tell me you’ve had this

I assume you have the ability to reach yea high so the shelves are this tall

You are a minimum wage worker so I assume you can do intensive things like carrying freight, cleaning, carrying heavy boxes and bags

That list just never ends

What if instead of assuming ability we assumed some degree of disability in all things?

Can you do the thing?

People pile clothes infront of me and then I have to dig through to scan them

They assume I can do that

They assume I can extendoarm reach for shit too

Please do not put things out of reach of your cashier

My left shoulder injury is working up again

Because I’m constantly reaching for things

I wish robots were the ones working cashier jobs

I don’t know what day today is but I know I work tomorrow and I just wish

I wish something would happen that made me never have the need to work again

I wish I could listen to my body

Which told me five years ago that it was done working as a customer servant

This creature doesn’t keep count

I notice it skip a number every once in a while

But somewhere sometime soon

3000 little letters lost in the web

And you are no where to be seen

But I

I’ve become this different shape

More expressive

Within my secrets

But my life has more colour

Along with the grey days

And if it’s not important to you

Ah that breaks my heart

That’s been broken so many times it only takes one of many tragedies a day to break it again

But I don’t feel as ashamed of my feelings anymore

And I may have no one

To really talk to

I just so happen to see so many things I used to miss

And right now I don’t know how to feel about you in the same way I don’t know how to feel about the Owl

Hoot

If anything of my reading was right

But who knows, I was crazy

Crazy all the time

But it’s okay that way

Try to tolerate bugs

Everything seems so pointless when you look at the scope and the effect

Ah

It’s my other still alive sister’s birthday today

Well she burned that bridge at Christmas

Man, life

Very much in the same place

No progress in sight

I hate myself less-ish

When I’m in a good state

Some day someone is going to read all of it in one go

I wish I knew how long that’s going to take

This category of fuckery that doesn’t seem interested in stopping any time soon

If I keep writing I wonder if I’ll ever write more than the person who wrote the most prose?

Well I guess I never would because if I’m the person that wrote the most then I’m forever tied with myself

I really did want to sing together

If I tell the Universe I want to know the answer to my question over and over will I find out?

I feel like the silence is the answer to this one

Which is very disappointing

You’d think

But then again, no

I guess you wouldn’t

It’s never really safe to think anything

Not about “personalities”

Well anyways I wrote it

All this

Since we’re clearly not going for quality here

Good job on sheer volume of letters lost in the web

Long Live what ever the hell I’m doing here

Because it was supposed to be something I did until the day I died

That day was supposed to be 6 and a half years ago

Keeping on, Chester

Keeping on