Elucidating Questions

My phone has become a beacon of all the people that don’t want to talk to me

Don’t want to deal with me

And I want to go back to sleep

Heh

I even felt that sick twinge of hope when I picked it up

Maybe someone said something to me

Another joke about me being hopeful

I want to go back to sleep

The name Briar Rose always felt right but maybe it’s right

Maybe I should just sleep until I die

God knows no one’s coming

I no longer want to engage in a world that doesn’t want me

Doesn’t accept me

Doesn’t see me

Doesn’t want to put up with me

I dream of him

My mind imagines we’re friends

It makes reality taste awful

Even repeating dreams where he is there are better than endless days alone

There’s always someone there in my dreams

I’d rather talk to a thousand faces that are just myself than speak to no one ever

I think I will go back to sleep

There is nothing to keep me here

Really, no one will care if I sleep away my life

No one will miss me

If I actually died it would be weeks before anyone noticed

Rather

They seem to think that’s fine

My mum doesn’t care if I don’t wake up

No one else does either

I don’t know why I bothered getting out of bed for so long

My dreams on repeat are still better than being awake in reality

I’ll pack a thousand unpackable rooms

I’ll wait hours for hard drugs that aren’t coming with my abusive ex

I’ll spend days lost in a subway system

Not even my dreams are worth living for

I remember when I tried to kill myself as a birthday present for my sister

Yup it’s fucked up

What’s more fucked up is that it was my fault

And not my sister’s for putting me in that space

But to die now

I would merely fade away into nothing

Haha

He said he’d softly pull away but he can’t and I’m the one who’s going to disappear unheard unseen

Reaching out to nothing

Over and over again

They say if you reach out someone will be there

But I’ve been to this edge before so many times

No one is there

And I want to jump so badly

I feel like people would rather kill me than deal with me

Like if I was dead I’d be doing the universe a favour.

I’m so sick of being bounced between shitty situations

One to the other

Hungry, thirsty,

Desperate for things that keep me alive

This bitch is about to smack me with her water bottle

Because personal space doesn’t apply to me

And my bus is coming soon but these people are crowding me and I can’t see the road because they’re more important than me

I hate buses

Being taunted by people with water

I’m so fucking thirsty

And I have to wait 3 and a half hours before I can drink anything

At least I’ll be on the bus soon and I won’t be thirsty sitting on the side of the road in the Sun

Sol I love you

You’re too close

Oh I’d been loving these cool days where I could sit in you and just be

Now you’re too close

And I’m just dehydrated and pissed off that I have to suffer

Again

More

It’s never enough

I feel so sick

Like I’m going to throw up

Have been for an hour

This place is fucked

My life is fucked up

I could just walk into traffic

It would be so easy

Life is precious

But what of me?

Left to live, alone, hungry, thirsty

Just living to experience awfulness

This pointless life

At least I wouldn’t be thirsty anymore

I got excited as she reached for the vines

I thought

Someone like me who touches the nature

Then flinched as she ripped several leaves off

Not like me

Then at the crosswalk she turned to me

Is that Cinnamoroll?

My crochet buddy

Yes, it is

And we chatted about our love for Sanrio for a moment

But a moment

My life is filled with these moments

But it’s never anything but

Endlessly meeting and parting

It just repeats like a skip on the CD of my life

Sounds a little different each time it’s just a moment in time

And I’ve waited

And bothered

And fumed

And fawned

How am I to believe

In our meeting

When they always walk away

I always say have a good day

Take care

I want to be someone worthy of hello.

It’s not fair that you taunt me with my own suicidal thoughts

Like my inability to want to stay in this world is anything but a reflection of the world itself

Not me

I don’t know why you do this

Take things I loved and make them weapons against me

Brains are so fucking awful

You make me feel guilty for wanting to die when the only good things in my life don’t show any affection

There is none

When I sit in my chair for days

Waiting for something good to happen

Am I very selfish?

I’d like one friend and an affectionate but not sexual relationship with someone

I keep thinking maybe I misunderstood what friendship was

Maybe I want seven friends so I can talk to a different one every day of the week and then they won’t get tired of me talking to them

I feel like seven friends is more than I deserve though

Please?

Anyone

Someone

Maybe I could handle being poor if every day want spent sitting around being reminded how poor I am

I don’t know, everyone gets tired of me

Banished

When I get tired of me I sleep

That’s probably what I’m going to do when I get home

Log out of reality

Even my forever repeating dreams are better than this

I’ve always hated my hands

Imagine if they hold some tale of the mockery my life is?

No marriages

Not that I even want to get married

I just want to be with someone

Marriage stopped being idyllic when my parents split up

And continues its stories of shame as I learn more about how my dad treated my mum

Does my hand explain why I’m alone?

I’m having one of those moments the silence gets to me

Colourful

Bright

And alone

Always enjoying the world around me

These others

Today my eyes are a green I cannot describe

If I didn’t do these little things

I’m just trying to get someone to notice me

Here I am, forever invisible

I wish someone was here to make me feel less invisible