Elucidating Questions

I’ve always hated my hands

Imagine if they hold some tale of the mockery my life is?

No marriages

Not that I even want to get married

I just want to be with someone

Marriage stopped being idyllic when my parents split up

And continues its stories of shame as I learn more about how my dad treated my mum

Does my hand explain why I’m alone?

I’m having one of those moments the silence gets to me

Colourful

Bright

And alone

Always enjoying the world around me

These others

Today my eyes are a green I cannot describe

If I didn’t do these little things

I’m just trying to get someone to notice me

Here I am, forever invisible

I wish someone was here to make me feel less invisible

Spend all day giving discounts to people that don’t annoy me

I’d like someone to give me a discount on life

Make it a little easier

My depression kept me awake all night

Because, of course, as soon as I recognise it it becomes me

And I don’t want to do anything

Can’t think of a single thing that I want to do

Alone

Forcing myself to kinesiology because

Even if it’s a paid for interaction

It’s something

Weeks go by so quickly

And so slowly

Time wasted drip, drip, dripping away

I am trapped inside the hourglass

I thought someone was on the outside

No one is on the outside

I feel I will die here in this cage

And no one will notice for weeks

There is a me in my soul that is just screaming

I was once told I threw a fit every time I didn’t get what I wanted

I want to know where my fit for being disabled and poor is

This life so far from what I wanted

And my stepdad is posting pictures of them by the fire and calling it living

My mum just sent me a passive, “I’m sorry honey!”

When I said I spent about 16 hours awake the last two days and I’m depressed because I have nothing to do and my brain gets tired of things so quickly

Why can’t I live?

Do you know how much I want to just leave?

Walk out into the forest and just die there

At least I’d be where I want to be

Somewhere out there in the woods living in a little cabin

If I have to be alone forever why can’t it be where I want to be?

And not here trapped beneath a cop whose bastardiness grows with each spin around the Sun?

If I have to be alone why couldn’t it be somewhere where I’m not surrounded by people who are living much better lives than me?

I can hear some event going on somewhere

People enjoying

I want to enjoy

Why can’t I enjoy?

It’s true

Silence was betrayal long ago

To treat someone like they don’t exist

And they live around me telling me all about their lives

But I exist in this silence

That I fill with talking to myself

Because if I didn’t then I’d get a sore throat at work

But 99% of what I say disappears into the air

Into nothing

Into no one’s ears

This silence

This betrayal by everyone to see that I have needs that aren’t being filled

The same silence they turn on unhoused people

That

If we ignore it long enough maybe they’ll go away silence

Oh I know this silence well

Don’t I?

Life feels like a betrayal

Like every second that isn’t filled with someone for me to love is another

I will never have the life I wanted

It’s gone, dead

But can’t I have something?

I don’t know how much time I have left can’t this silence end?

Please?

I wonder when I’ll stop writing you things you don’t want

Thought

I’m going to write him a birthday poem

Thought

No I’m not it’s not like he’ll read it

Or any of the other ones I wrote

I suppose gifts are supposed to be returnable

Something you can send back if you don’t like it

I suppose that’s where I failed

I highly doubt I’m the only one to thrust poetry in his face

Happy birthday to you

Soonish

I don’t know why I bother you are already having a better life in general than I am

You’re obviously going to have a happier birthday than I did or will or any other collection of words that means your life is better than mine

Guitars and stuff

It’s not like you have to go without food to afford your presents to yourself

In fact I bet people actually give you presents

So why?

Me?

Birthdays are complicated

Mine are anyways

You’ve got parents to think about

I’ve got the ever present oppression of being alone all the time and never being able to escape it for more than a moment

I wish you were poor and disabled and unknown like me so maybe then on the same level we could meet somewhere

Why do I even want to

This person who has pointedly ignored me for over 7 years

So then why am I here?

I came this far

On a wish that never came true

On a mission I never accomplished

Just to say hello

How I wanted hello

I don’t know why I’m here

Sol guide me, he doesn’t want anything to do with me

I thought that was my purpose

I can’t take this pointless life anymore

I can’t take it

The world doesn’t revolve around me

I hear this a lot when I say I’m non-binary

So why does it revolve around anyone else?

Why does anyone else get a say on my life on who I am

Because the world doesn’t revolve around me

But I am experiencing my universe through my spirits, my eyes

And I’m saying this is what I’ve found out about me

Not about you

Not about anyone else

Things to do with me are 100% my say

And there may be others saying the same thing but at the end of the day I am asking for base level face to face respect, for me

I don’t care about any number of so called militant trans people “obsessed with pronouns” you ran into

And sometimes having a nail slowly hammered into you head makes you a bit crazy

Imagine you see yourself a way

And literally no one else sees you that way

It’s maddening

It’s maddening that someone who I don’t know thinks they know me better than I do

Not my skeleton (but thanks for fantasising about me being dead)

Not my DNA

Btw if you really wanted things done by DNA

Mozart wouldn’t have been allowed to be a pianist

But me

Like me

I know me best

I’m annoying as fuck but I still deserve to be seen as me

Just like everyone else.