Elucidating Questions

Vincent Van Gogh

Bro

You and me would have been besties in despair

Now I’m not about to remove a piece of me and give it away

But damn I understand being in a despair so deep you’d do anything to get someone to see you

Historical Friend I believe we are both too sensitive

And that life is unbearable

I took out my heart and smeared it into the web

And handed it to him

And he said.

I’m sure you would understand

People don’t quite understand our madness

Not like these pop music boys

No

Chopin

And he who said.

They could never grasp the depth of this despair

The great sadness

The great loneliness

Alas, my friend, we were born too far apart

Time’s trickery

Though great expanses of land would be between us

We were born in the same country

And yet

And yet

Hah

This dripping, ink filled, monstrosity probably resembles it

The fractioned mental space of a lonely being trapped in a society that can’t see them

I see it and know it well

Twelve thousand questions

Not an answer

Not the one

Face to face only in the dark where nothing is or will ever be what is seems

Not an okay

Just a little like

Just a little

I don’t know where or when

Tomorrow keeps becoming yesterday

This bag that I keep

I keep trying to wear myself on it

Keep trying to show my colours so that I can be seen

Unseen

You have to know I’d never approach anyone

They have to come to me

Just a piece of furniture in a room you’re so used to you never see it

Just a memory in a place

What is this place?

Do I create my paradise while living it?

Why do the other little monsters all forget?

Just a moment

The only heart beneath these floorboards is my own screaming out to be seen

There are days the beating drives me down

Into the drowning

Into the sadness

Have to stay above the surface

Just long enough to take a breath

If it drags me back down

I’ll hold my air until I’m up again

The hardest part

When people talk about manifesting

It’s that I start to feel guilty for expecting the universe to provide for me

And then it seems like if I ask something usually happens

Not a big something

Usually an at least I can afford rent or food or weed thing

I have to follow one of these untethered strings

Find the other side of it for a moment

But for a moment

I am a side character in all these main characters’ stories

And maybe it’s just coming to the realisation that I am a side character

An antagonist

Or someone to help for a moment

Never anything palpable

Solid

Connected

All these strings I wrapped myself in that have no destination

Do they belong to someone else?

Did I just take them and pretend they were my own

運命の糸

何かないよね？

How am I to believe in something so real

Having never experienced it

太陽

One of these days I’m really going to lose it again and then

Then how am I to keep myself keeping on?

No

Breathe

Crash in the breath

Something good happened

Let’s try to believe in maybe being part of someone else’s world for a while

Instead of a moment

Side character or not

I have a wicked backstory

Just keep on

Murder of crow

Caw caw caw

Single crow

That startled me

Lately it’s being ravens

明日を信じる勇気をくれ

Slept through the rainbow feather

Well I don’t know if I could have seen it from here

Sometimes I feel like my memories are feathers

Floating away as they come

But there is no epic quest to collect them here

Always half finished

Never an ending

I’m doing my best to stay awake today

I’m trying

I don’t know why

But we do have to try, right?

Last night’s dreaming

Always vivid

Then mostly gone

Some moments feeding back to me throughout the day

I have to get through the dark time

I know they come back and I just have to I just

Wish there was someone to sit with me

When my mind is drowning me

I get knocked down

But there I go getting back up again

I don’t know if this is some manual in how to just take the hits and write the pain and keep fucking going anyways

But there it is

Trying to stay up

There hasn’t been any reasons yet

And it’s Sunday so nothing happens

Existing out of spite

Spite damn it

Today has been about trying to convince myself why to stay awake

Some good things happened

Little good things

Big good things really don’t happen

It’s so hard to tell myself to stay awake when my dreams have the one person I want to talk to

And being awake doesn’t

Even if my dreams are a murky nightmare besides him

I don’t know who the old Japanese man and his wife are

I don’t know why I’m living with them

I don’t know why I pack unpackable rooms

I don’t know why I go to the hospital or go to the pet store or get lost on the buses and trains

And every time I dream it’s the same

But we know eachother there

There is very little in my life to live for right now

Repetitive dreams

Constantly waiting for drugs in a weird ass house with like six other people living there

And my ex

But if it means having that moment

I don’t care if I have to dream through it every time

And no one can offer me a hand

Because they’re all living their own lives

So why not make friends with the people in my dreams?

Wearing familiar faces so I’ll recognise them

I want to see someone in real life

I need someone to see

Please send me someone to see

They/them

I wouldn’t even use those pronouns if this wasn’t a ridiculous world

Imagine a world where everyone just had their own words to refer to themselves

Something created out of childhood

A language that didn’t put emphasis on what gender a person was

Maybe we’d refer to people as the creature they felt most connected to in childhood

Maybe we’d call them by their good deeds

Maybe some wouldn’t have any words to refer to themselves at all and that would be fine

It would be fine to be different because we’d have all accepted that we’re each as different as we are the same as eachother

Each our own universe

Each our own experience of life

Different beings playing out our lives

In a togetherness

But the togetherness is gone

I do not live in a community

I live in a city with micro communities that I don’t belong in

I know I would miss this place if I left

The nature of this beautiful, wonderful place

But I am not of this land

And I am not of any other

Maybe I really am an alien

Maybe I really just don’t speak their language

More begging

Sleeping instead of begging

You will never understand this

You never will

I’m sure it’s a beautiful glass castle

Everyone I speak to wants a revolution

Why are we starting civil war instead?

This community idea

I have been good

I don’t correct people usually when they get my pronouns wrong I just let it go

Just another prick of the needle

Just one more time someone didn’t see me

No one knows me

No one really tries to

I’ve always taken an interest in others

Never the other way around

I want someone to notice me

I don’t want to be invisible anymore