Elucidating Questions

Take a moment for yourself

Just do it

Just do something that benefits no one but you for a moment.

Use one of those soap masks

Just sit and breathe

Do something that makes you, you

Sing a little song for yourself

Play the guitar for no reason but to make a little noise

For that moment

Make the Universe look at you

Be the one that is most important in that moment

Make your adorable little heart happy

Just for a moment

Take it

Breathe

Continue

Do it

Just take it

I was thinking about applying for MAID

Thinking about how I can’t afford to live

Imagining setting up a Go Fund Me to pay for my burial

And this little hummingbird landed on the rose bush

And just sat there watching

I had a conversation

The Spirit reminded me if I died I couldn’t do this

But I don’t think they understand

I don’t think they realise that being alive is a privilege I cannot afford anymore

I can’t afford to keep myself sane

I can’t afford to keep myself sane

I can’t afford to keep myself fed

I can afford a shelter that is much cheaper than the going rate

MAID is for getting rid of people who society doesn’t want to pay for

Right?

That’s me.

But the hummingbird

Can’t I just die and go to a place where hummingbirds are but it’s better than here?

There’s no solution

My mum goes

It was hard for me until I got together with Al

Again

Someone would have to want to take care of me

I laughed

It’s funny

It’s all a funny joke

Jester

I’m afraid of them but I am one

The fool except the actual fool

It wasn’t a metaphor that’s just what I am

Must not sleep

Must absolutely not go back to sleep

Please

Why is it all a joke?

My landlord will now just leave his dog out in the backyard

Barking in my face because he wants to go inside

Like my ears are ringing from how incessant and loud it was

And I’ve been good natured

They told me not to bring the dog to the door for them

So I stopped doing that

And now he’s stopped barking because I came inside

And the landlord is going to just leave him out there even longer

They’ll leave the dog in the backyard and then leave

So he’ll just bark for a while

Every time I interact with him he gets more closed off and short

And I can’t leave

Because I need a suite and they are now $2000

And I make about 2300 a month when I’m lucky

I’m fucked

He became a cop

He was a decent person

He just wanted to “do some good”

He always treated his dog kind of like furniture

Just yells “BED!”

At him over and over

But now it’s hard to tell if he isn’t just annoyed that he exists

I always think the way people treat animals reflects their souls

I feel so bad

I was short with the pup because my head was ringing from him barking and I just

Put a little too much force in my

No

When he tried to follow me inside

It’s not his fault

All he knows is that I have the hands that can open the door to let him in but I’m not doing that

He doesn’t know about stupid things like I can’t let him in because I’m not allowed to just go into his section of the house

Unless previously stated

Poor pup

See? Look.

He’s fine

He’s always fine and

Let me take a moment to be extremely unpoetic

Ugggggggggggggh

I hate my brain

Why do we need to protect him and from what?

ま〜取り敢えず

I think that’s something we all need to do

Take a moment for yourself

I get this sneaking suspicion he didn’t do that yesterday

Boy

Oh boy

It really does feel like we create

In some like

Togetherness

I will never understand

Not complaining

I think

Someone read it

I wonder what I’m doing this for

You’re doing it for fame and fortune

And it seems I’ve chosen the route of never being seen ever

Despite this labyrinth of things I’ve said

Maybe they’ll invent an AI that searches the web for mediocre prose and it’ll think I’m interesting

So many things said

So many things not said

I don’t think I’ll ever know

Why my mind clings to him so

Seriously when have I ever claimed that I’m not a lot?

I would bet

Real actual money I don’t have

That I have said

In this place

I am a lot

Enough to fill a letter size piece of paper

At least

These internet people

They’re wildly uninformed

Luna we meet again

Excuses

Beautiful excuses huh?

One moment while I listen to myself scream bloody murder on the inside

I know what an excuse is

These are reasons

They’re different

And then

It just hits me that that

Was my interaction for today

Maybe you’re a lot

Yeah

Too much

People don’t want me for that exact reason

See

It’s not a fucking excuse when people don’t want me but when it’s about me living comfortably I’m making excuses

And everything that comes from me is some pretense

Right?

Fuck

That fucker had better be alive or else I’m gonna kill him

If I have to exist through this hell you all have to come with me

If I lived on the Moon I wouldn’t have the constant buzzing of unwanted interactions

And I’d never be teased again that life could be better only for it to be the same

My life is a fucking 90s show where everything always ends up the same at the end of the episode except my life doesn’t ever change to begin with

Do I even want to know

Probably not

Here I go anyways

Oh look more able bodied people expecting me to be able to cook for myself

Sigh

If I had

Like top of the line shit with timers and proper temperatures and not that ring element 80s looking 20° above or below temperature it’s burnt here and raw there bullshit

Maybe I’d try again because maybe if I forgot the pizza for 5 minutes it wouldn’t come out looking like a fucking lump of coal from Santa

And I wouldn’t be throwing out all numbers of food stuck burnt to the bottom of my pans

But, like,

Hear me out here

Maybe that 2 hours after cooking that I had to recover from cooking and would inevitably forget my food until it was cold and dry and disgusting

Actually existed

And I’m not full of shit

Is it so hard to believe because then you’d have to believe how shitty my life is?

Yeah I’m betting it’s that

Here I am

A lot

Were the 2000 odd footprints in the sand not clear enough?

I say sentences like

Ugly ass thing, it’s so freaking cute!

To the air

The air which is just losing its mind around me

What am I going to do when I’m the most sane person left?

Just spending money I don’t have

Existing all alone

It would have been my bad if she hadn’t sentenced me to this life

Isolated me from my family

The Queen of Hearts

It’s hard when it gets to be Summer

And I can hear people gathering all around

All these days that have gone by

Me waiting for someone to notice me

Anyone,

Yah?

Literally anyone

Pluck me from this empty place

Put me somewhere better than this

Wherever that would be

I don’t even dare imagine my life better

When I do I tell myself off

How could I have such thoughts when a life like it not once have I lived?

Best not to play with Hope they tell you sweet nothings that are in fact just nothings

Is it going to rain now?

The grass is green in June

I am pleased with this

The weather my companion

Earth

Gaia

Mother

This doesn’t feel right

I swear I’m a pack animal

Yet I have no pack

Do you listen to the wailings of the loneliest whale the same?

I just don’t speak on the same level

The wails of several dogs

And then some sirens

Odd

Usually that’s the other way round

My mind it goes to him and my head it aches but I’m more concerned

Not that silence isn’t new

It isn’t new

This isn’t new it’s just the same thing as all the other times and he’ll do something later that I will miss

So far in this column we only have an alive and allegedly happy critter so

Right?

Always worrying about people who don’t worry about me

Don’t worry about me let us worry about blank

A million beautiful ladies

And a million beautiful men

And all the beautiful trans people

It’s not right to imagine myself succeeding among them

Now the wind is quieter

But the clouds have hidden my Sol

A thousand good things for you

Someone else will have to wish some for me