Elucidating Questions

Today there was an older man

And he was having trouble hearing what the coupons were for

And I tried taking a breath to calm my own frustration

Called for back up on cash

And then pulling one of them out and pointing to the words I was explaining to him as I was saying them

Thinking it would be helpful for him to see the words I was saying

He interrupted me saying, “Fine, I’ll read it later, sometimes you just need a little patience“

And I was struck

I thought my taking my breath to slow myself down and calling for backup so someone else could take the person behind him and showing him every word I was saying was being patient

I’ve been stuck on this all day

I literally put on my patient face and went about making it as clear to him what I was saying as I could

And I swear people are always annoyed with me because I talk too loud but customers can’t hear me

I also know when I’m articulating properly and when not

And I don’t feel comfortable being forced to take off my mask for hard of hearing people

People were coughing up lungs all over the fucking place today

Disgusting humans going out when they’re creating fluids

Sorry that was my alien brain talking

The one that is terrified of my puny broken human immune system

But how could I have been more patient?

How could I have

I don’t know

The only words I would have been telling him were words that were written on the coupon so I pulled it out to show him

The words he couldn’t hear

I’m lost

Totally lost

You think you’re just playing a part

I’m constantly trying to fit myself through these hoops of incessant expectations of my customer masters

My day is spent being under estimated

I hope my overlords appreciated the answers to the servey I lied on

You seriously think I’m going to enter my employee number and tell you whether I “understand and believe in the mind the brand and goals” honestly?

I’m not fucking stupid you moochers on society

God

Trapped in retail hell and going down swinging

And people need to learn that lines happen and are being dealt with to the best of our abilities

Do you honestly think I am keeping you in that line up for fucking shits and giggles?

I see something in you that resembles me

Resembles him

I never thought a celebrity death would hit me so hard

I want you to be content

Not with your music

May you always have some new high to hit there

But

It’s in those screams

That same something that makes you feel like you’re nothing compared to others

Maybe it’s gone

Maybe I’m writing to a you much younger than now

Maybe I’m sending out energy across time to moments you needed it

But still

There is pain in genius

I saw it in my uncle too

I wish I could interrupt every dark thought you’ve ever had

It’s hard to reconcile

When someone who has so much still doesn’t feel like they belong in this world

It’s hard to then stand looking at myself

And I wonder why I’m still sticking around

For all intents and purposes I am a forgotten being who will go on

Much like I have

Don’t be a ghost

Keep your precious people close

You have these depths

Shown so clearly in your work

In how music comes from you

I still wonder so many things

That little lizard was sunning in front of me

I wish I could look at you like I do them

They are invasive but I feel no ill will towards them for the circumstances of their birth

They did not ask for this life

I wonder if I did

A dandelion blooming through the cracks of the patio

A lizard just crawled into a space in the wall

This

The contrast between us

I always hated this imbalance

I feel like your face was in my dreams again last night

I wish I knew what that means

Fucking

No moment

Ring getting caught

Walker getting caught

Finicky

Fucking rotating screen for no reason bullshit

イライライライラ

And my music is pissing me off

I’m in a mood

And my tamagotchi grew up ugly

The difference is my mood will be contained here

Sol is out

Crazy day over

Deep breaths

I think the problem with my music is I want to sing Trench and it’s not playing them

I shouldn’t want to spend my time with him

Ah well

Captured in a moment

So many of me

I will sing once more why not

It truly is a masterpiece

I wish there was a way to switch sides with you for a moment so you could see yourself

I do keep mostly to myself

But I’m the lonely one

And hungry

The “Don’t use this to substitute a meal” meal substitutes that have been my breakfast

People look at me and they think

Well you could stand to lose a few pounds

I am duality realised

Two different existences

One that just wants everything to be simple, to love without shame

And one that sees all the injustices of the world

And can’t

Because he’s everything I’m raging against

Mr. Excess and his excess friends

You’re friends there

I’m here

Stuck

Because you all decided to become that

But is it individuals or corporations?

I don’t know, once they have a billion they’re not humans

What is the point of no return I wonder?

But him living happily makes me happy

With happiness

And fame is a disgusting thing

But I wouldn’t wish him unsuccessful

Like I said

Duality

And there are two of us

So good luck convincing the other one

I am but a whisper on the wind

The light reflected by the Moon

Something people don’t notice

This mood

It has become chaotic

So many directions

I do hear you now

Yeah, just that

I hope you stay too

I say this with a wry smile

You have more reason than I do

I feel bad for all the trees we plant solitary in the city for “beautification”

When a tree should be surrounded by all of her children and their’s

So seldom a single standing tree

And when they are it’s always significant

I’ve seen this tree in my neighbour’s yard

I’ve seen many of her children sprout in ours only to be destroyed

Or die in the heat

There is one now

Falling over as it grows

I always hope that the landlord doesn’t notice until it’s “too late” but

There’s never really a too late for humanity

They’ll be like

Oh I’ll just bring a bigger tool to destroy it anyways

I remember those souls

I wonder if she does?

Did her roots feel their’s as they grew

And then died?

They do not get to know the trees they lay claim to

They did not mourn as I watched the two cedars in the backyard die from the lack of rain last year

They unceremoniously chopped them down once they were dead

He felt nothing as he tore the blackberry bushes to shreds

I don’t know how they do it

Someone in my childhood told me plants were alive and then I

And I wonder how they didn’t

They’re alive

I have moments I can’t tread on the grass because I am afraid to harm it and all the tiny bugs living among it

I know that everything I consume came from a living thing

All of it was alive and wanted to be

I don’t necessarily say a blessing for my food

But I know it had to be sacrificed for me to live so I am eternally grateful

They don’t seem to see this big beautiful alive world as that

You really have to just accept that everything lives

This very Universe we are alive in is alive

In ways we will never be able to comprehend

As a lonely person maybe I see loneliness in others

But when I see humanity’s version of “beautiful”

I just wonder how many lonely souls that cruel vision has created

I wish I had some huge words left to say to you

Some great speech in my mind prepared

Beyond just saying you have this beautiful light to you

And I think she was on go something with onigiri theory

That people have good parts that can’t be seen by themselves

But are seen so clearly

By others

I don’t want you to think that all you’ve done is nothing

So what if it’s all just some fluke?

For whatever reason you are you

That whatever reason doesn’t mean you haven’t worked hard

It just also means other people were pushed aside for you to get there

But you’re definitely not a loser now if you ever were

Maybe it’s time for you to just go and recognise how normal your life actually is

Compared to others who are far more down that road you’re on

You managed to hit that medium place

And all this something

When the lyrics say listen to your heart it flies

Away away

The gravity of whatever you are has me trapped

I feel like I was supposed to do something

Who knows what that was

Returning to that grind tomorrow I feel that

Fracture between what you are and what I am

If I could come within earshot of you I’d just sing and then hope that would communicate something

I’m so bad with words

They are in my mind

They tumble through a sieve of doubt and anxiety and fear and trauma

What comes out

What even does come out?

I don’t know I never talk to anyone

Can we switch places for a day?

Kidding

When all the mess of life is pushed aside

My heart definitely beats for you

For whatever reason

I don’t think I’ll ever know

I’d almost rather you turn out to be some terrible person so I don’t have to feel so guilty for loving you

Oh I had hope for a moment then

But then I looked at myself and remembered I died and that’s not me anymore

I mourn that innocent me that could love you shamelessly

This after image of me

Truly just a ghost the world is trying to forget

Some strange after effect of a glitch in the Universe

I’m here

I am trapped here

Never be trapped

Be free

They always go “well define what a woman is then”

And I’m like exactly

But they don’t possess the depth to grasp

That each person has a different idea of what a man or a woman is

Because gender is a construct

We are so much more than what can be defined in gender

Yet it haunts us wherever we go

Doesn’t it?

Don’t people make assumptions about you based on your gender?

Any gender?

You can’t escape it

I’m saying your assumptions are completely wrong

I am none of the above in the way you think

Not knowing what I am doesn’t mean I don’t understand what I’m not

All these little assumptions we make about eachother

It would be nice if someone could see me

Really get me

How to find the way

I’m not a pretty sight so

It’s not easy to put up with me

I don’t want to be a repeat of my dad’s life where there’s just nobody

I thought love would be enough

But it seldom is, isn’t it?

Around in circles we go

I doubt I’ll ever know