Elucidating Questions

People need to know the difference between reasons and excuses

Especially with drug addicts

There is a reason they are addicted

They make excuses to feed the addiction

The addiction is not an excuse it’s the reason for the excuses

But until the reason they became addicted in the first place is addressed all that in-between stuff is just masking the true problem

But then you’ve got them allegedly (with drugs though not with proper counseling because nothing is funded) treating people and then tossing them back out on the street

Until the person has access to shelter, food, things that keep them alive

And these things can’t have thousands of barriers or require them to go long distances or really much of anything when they’re literally recovering

Their body is recovering

But until you give them access to those things and they can start to find their new raison d’etre

How are they supposed to not want to just turn back to the good feeling?

I don’t think I’d be even okayish if I hadn’t turned to the Sun

Having the light to return to

When things are hard

I’m an unlikely variable

People need support

Reasons and excuses are different

An excuse is oh I didn’t want to go to your party last night because I met up with friends earlier and decided to spend the night with them

They excused themselves from your party

A reason is I got stuck in traffic and the road out of my town was closed and I couldn’t get to your house until it was too late

And

By the way

I didn’t feel like it is a reason and an excuse depending

I didn’t feel like buying enough dinner for you

Is an excuse

I didn’t feel like going out with friends last night so I cancelled

Is a reason

Watch that one

But I’m already suffering

I’m not even without a shelter yet

I honestly can’t answer what would happen if someone offered me my drugs of choice again

The Universe has kept me far from it

And everything else

But if it wouldn’t give me anything else I’d go back to them

If offered

I can’t blame an unhoused person for turning to drugs

I can’t blame a struggling person either

In this strange expanse where I am alone among those who are not

Where I’m literally here for no reason

I’m literally crazy for being alive according to the definition of insanity

I know I’m not alone

Constantly doing the same thing (living) expecting a different result (something good)

It’s not easy

It’s not

I will never see my body type as a model

Even the “plus size” models don’t have a stomach like I do

I never know what anything is going to fit like

So I just stopped caring if things fit me or not

My body is not the model type

My size 6 feet that have to wear size 8.5 shoes because they’re so wide

My short and stubby fingers

This me

I’ve never seen myself

Anywhere

Non-binary actors are almost all masculine presenting.

Leaning

Masculine is such a bad term it’s a look

They’ve got this look

I definitely don’t

I can never tell whether I just am a strange shape

Or if my shape is ugly

So no one who looks like me ever gets noticed

I wish it wasn’t the former

I wish it wasn’t

And when I look at myself in the mirror I would ignore me too

Well I wouldn’t

But I see why they do

I can’t even be the ugly friend because I have this stupid intelligence that betrays I have depth

And no one wants that

I wish it was possible to be like

You send me $75

I write a poem

But I’d just keep doing it for free

And no one would pay $75 for a poem

Maybe

$33 a poem

Yeah I like that better

I wish my face could sell it

People like giving pretty people money

I’d write 4 poems a day

I wish I could go on strike

But I’m just going to keep creating

On it goes

It’s never good enough to sell

I’m not good enough to sell

Those tiny moments I feel ignored

Not at all owed any of anyone’s time

Owed nothing

But what I wouldn’t give for something

I wish there were magic words to say to unlock your heart

As mine own is

To unlock anyone’s

Me never seems to do the trick

What am I?

In this strange expanse without you

Without anyone

Cursory conversations

Same rotations

And if I could send you one thing?

It’s that I’m here

But I don’t know even if

We were blessed enough to be born on the same rock

Maybe here is nowhere to you

Yeah

Hello

Exactly hello

More of that and less of goodbye

Endless goodbyes

Wishing you’d find me out here

Somewhere

He said

Was someone filming that?

And I said

That happens to me all the time

Is someone filming this?

It all just happens so specifically

I wish I could

Pick up the phone

And have someone to say hello to

How was your day?

Tell me about your day so I can live through it

Nobody wants to be alone but here I am

Two people who can’t communicate trapped in a body where they never get to communicate with anyone else either

Alone times 2

Just for laughs

Gags

My life

Oh and yes

Fuck you Hermes always just a little you know how it is

Can’t get through these barriers

I’m so afraid of what the next person I let close to me will do to me

But can’t I just have somebody to love?

Who maybe loves me

Who has time for me?

Time for me

That’s almost as unlikely as hello

Spotify is being a tit

Saying my local files aren’t readable

And it probably has something to do with file locations and

Effort

That would require effort

I have so little energy today

Working just kills me

Why it has to suddenly have these issues I don’t know

Why these devs insist on slowly breaking their apps I have no clue

This constant need for “progress” and

Taking away features people use because “moving forward”

If Spotify won’t play my Japanese music I’m gonna find a different service

It’s my music

I bought many a CD when I was in Japan

If I was in a position to I’d purchase every song and not just stream them

Everything is wrong

I would feel badly for music artists if they weren’t already receiving inflated pay

The problem is the people who are

Or would be if other factors weren’t playing out

Exploiting the music makers to fill their pockets

Someone should not be making 5x what the artist is making for their own music

That’s wrong

But also the artist shouldn’t be making 5x what the guy who’s working at their merch stand does for selling the merch.

So much wrong

Wouldn’t balance be so much easier to maintain?

Really there should just be a minimum set for  a human’s hour of life spent.

And it should not be set at the bare minimum to survive

I mean if all of this wasn’t exactly like this maybe we’d have something different

I bought all the albums I could when I could

I want to change the world

From my heart

That line didn’t come from where you think it did

This space that warps and loops

It is absolutely not possible

I like it in Japanese

不可能じゃない

Not possible not.

It’s not not possible

Whatever that translates as

It’s not possible but it’s fun to try to make that statement work in English

Ah translations

This is why I don’t think anyone will ever understand my personal brand of crazy

That just wants actual equality in a society that doesn’t let inequality like this exist.

That whole there being a fence and everyone needing a different height stool to peer over it

Naw man there shouldn’t have to be a fence

I know that doesn’t work in baseball, because, actual balls and hazards and protection

But when you’re using it as a metaphor for society

And the baseball being enjoying life?

Fuck the fence!

Fuck it!

Why did we build a fucking fence we’re on a planet that will fulfill ALL our needs if we’d just cooperate for five fucking minutes?

Stupid Spotify making me feel things about corporations

There’s no ethical consumption

It’s gone.

Wanna hear about my job?

I spend all day being accused of things I did not do

My computer is constantly working against me

The pin pad will show the wrong number of things scanned

But the right subtotal

And rather than say “did you scan two of xzy?” They say “You scanned too many of xyz”

Or they’ll say something isn’t the right price when I’m in the process of changing it

I had one woman accusing me of “scanning it in at that price”

They never know how much something is so they’ll get to the payment part

Say

On card

I’ll push the button and they go

“but how much was that?”

Instead of asking me several steps ago

I have this trauma

From my dad oddly enough what a surprise

He was constantly accusing me of things I didn’t do

Blaming me for things others did

Acting like I wasn’t listening to him when I was in the middle of doing what he wanted

And now customers do it all the time

And you’d think being exposed to it would make it go away

But no

I feel trapped and unable to speak up for myself

Laugh if you will but I think rather than helping I’m just being retraumatised over and over every time I work

Trapped in a position where I have to take their attitude and behaviour towards me as they accuse me of things or trip me up and then get mad when it’s taking longer or any other number of things

I think this is exactly why I can’t speak up for myself in real life

I am a servant

I have to be good to my customer masters or I will lose my job

I have to pretend that I support the mind the brand image or else too

What kind of sick twisted company asks questions like that on a so called “employee satisfaction survey” I’m a fucking pawn

I do what I’m told

Stand where I’m told

And take the abuse for my assigned allotment of hours

Nothing creative I do sustains me

I have to work

If $1000 a month extra turned up

Great

I would probably still work a single 4 hour shift a week just to stay sane

But to have the option of just telling some customer like it is and peacing?

I am trapped

I don’t have any choice but to do this

I feel like working in service should be a choice

I wonder how many ancestors were trapped like me?

I know my Great Grand Parents were debt slaves

I wonder how long my family has been trapped in this place?

No wonder I chose not to have kids

I would never do this to a child

I know I’m the first generation that had the choice though

The abuse of my bloodline ends with me

Really it’s the only revenge I can reap on this capitalistic wasteland

No more cogs for your murder machine fuckers