Elucidating Questions

I could almost hear Hermes’ crooked laughter when I discovered that Vega, the boy and his dagger, as I call him and his companion in the sky, were part of the lyre

Hell,

I almost did

Oh you just so happened to be looking up at the lyre

Oh the lyre

It’s the boy and his dagger now

Painting my own beliefs into the sky

My own constellations

Patterns that I can see from where I am

How I wish to go somewhere entirely uncivilized and look up for hours

It just blows my mind that all of that is just out there

During the day you could deny it

We’re obviously going in a circle the stars say so

Well

“circle”

Anyways

All your dancing and up and down and what I’ve watched the moon do

She wobbles

Beautiful Earth

Thank you for being an anchor in space for living things to thrive

The Moon for her protection of this place

It is raining as soon as I want to go out

Of course

I afterall have no hat nor rain coat

I have a beanie

It will get gross and wet quickly but it will work possibly

This is not weather for my hand made cardigans

I will have to wear one of my others

It’s been cloudy at night recently

And the Sun

I love him so

I need him to go away again so I can see the stars

I miss night at 8pm

That would be perfect

6am sunrise

8pm sunset

Ah, time

So fabricated

Ah, Time

So undeniable

I think this dance in space is beautiful

This orchestra of movement

Time to you

Must be like the pidgeon

Seeing in higher frame rates than us

We see the car missed them by inches

They knew exactly when that hit would come and when to get out of the way

Well usually

But that difference of instances

Is a moment to me but a second to you?

Or do we exist on the same time scale, but your consciousness is longer than mine?

How long have the stars been waiting for someone to see them?

Did they know we’d get too intelligent and self destructive, in their image, and destroy our only home?

Oh, but to see them?

I am grateful for every life given that made me possible to see them

This chain of humans

I’m sorry I’m breaking that chain but this is not an acceptable world to bring a child into

Not unless you’re one of the nobles and can pay their every living expense

I just want to live in a world where I can see the stars well at night. I know things have to be lit and safety… But

My purpose is to look out into the stars and see them

See the Universe

See this space

I have none other that I am allowed to claim as mine

And the Sun being up later makes it worse

It’s interesting to think about time and Time

Whose is what

We are lost in Time

And I don’t know what time it is

Meme: this is a fabricated condition, used to legitimize abnormal behaviour and because otherwise, no one notices you. In other words, you are an attention seeking pussy with no life or friends

I mean they got the no life or friends part

But where’s my fucking attention?

If I was actually non-binary for attention, it failed

Miserably

That’s just ignoring the part where we think looking for attention is a problem in a fucking pack animal

But let’s just entertain the idea that a creature that evolved within tight knit communities it no longer has that seeking attention from other creatures is wrong

Just for shits and giggles

If I was seeking attention

I’m doing a piss poor job of it

All my many friends

All my attention

Where exactly is that at?

Assuming I should just sit here and rot because seeking attention is wrong

What more can I do to ensure I’m never seeking attention?

I suppose you’d think wearing bright colours is seeking attention

And because I’m fat I should probably just wear ugly outfits all the time because if I don’t I’m “attention seeking”

Never does it cross their minds that we “do this” because it makes us feel most at home in our skin

It never even tries to

Because they’re playing on default settings and they don’t feel anything.

I wish I felt at home in my body

I wish there was a way to make people feel how I feel when they misgender me

That like drop in my stomach that is both disappointment that they didn’t get it right, and disappointment in me for not coming through in my own body

My theyness is not obvious enough

It’s both the punishment for not being seen and not making myself seen enough

Yet all this stuff

I want people to see me

That’s all

I want people to see the me that I feel like

I wish I didn’t have to see all this hate

It’s so poisonous

Why is it so important for them to control other people?

Like I’m not trying to control people, I’m asking for respect, that’s different

But they’re seeking out people they don’t know to try to herd them into tiny boxes

Why?

It escapes me

We are so much more than just humans in our bodies

Each of us a Universe

Who knows why I’ve always hated the shape I ended up being?

The point is we’re just shapes and I want to be seen as beyond my shape

But, again, I’m clearly failing epically at that.

Seriously where’s the attention I’ve apparently been trying so hard to get?

The only way my life is getting better

Is if someone comes to save me

Someone notices me

Someone sees me

And I have dreamt of that person

Someone who wants to take care of me

But that person never comes

And I sing all these songs

Believing in the miracle of our meeting

Feeling closer the farther you are from me

Singing of meeting by coincidence

And fate

And none of these things are possible

I’ve tried so hard to believe

You, whoever you is, and me

That we could meet

I thought I had to find you

Misfire

Directly into the Sun

Where am I supposed to look?

Am I supposed to go to places and just sit there and hope someone notices me?

They say you find it when you least expect it

So I can’t go places looking for it, right?

Our meeting

I don’t meet him do I?

It’s just me

I’m some poster child for poverty, disablity, and isolation for some person to use when I die

You couldn’t even let me have him as like

A texting buddy

Something

No

I’m so sick of texting buddies

My mum

My friends

We’re practically pen pals

Can’t I have something real?

I can control how I feel about how shitty my life is?

Sometimes you’re a complete dong

I don’t think I’ll ever understand why this is happening to me

Chaotic

Definitely chaotic

But with a trying to be good soul?

I always wanted to be good

I started as just chaos

But then the idea of goodness and righteousness was introduced

No

Not by Christianity

By Sailor Moon

The idea that there could be an evil that needed to be stopped to keep the world a beautiful place

Naoko Takeuchi planted those seeds in me

We only started going to church when I started elementary school

I was absorbed by this idea of loving every living thing

This idea of supporting one another

The idea that Christians are good people was just about as quickly destroyed as it was built up

Good people don’t touch younger humans

Good people don’t walk in on it and then never say a word

I think it was the fact that there was a witness and that witness acted like we both were doing something

Vaguely annoying

I digress

Goodness, once suggested

This idea that you should give your all for it

Chaotic, tries hard to be good, exhaustedian

There needs to be a word for that

I don’t think I have the innate goodness that some people have

I don’t have that darkness that some people have

I’m trying

Alignments are hard

My exhaustion is what feels innate

It has been with me for so very long

My chaos feels innate

My connection to the chaos around me

Feels innate

Not the chaos that humans create

The chaos of the weather and the wild

Water

As uniform but so strange as it is

Will the water within me remember sitting here writing this?

Will it remember having been a part of me?

Too many unknown questions

Trying to figure out who I am

What I am

If pixies, angels, demons, and some chaos sprinkled on created some chimera

Of all their parts

That’s me

And some Moon Princess crap joined the party

Sometimes I wish there was a word for what I am

The clouds looked like Hermes’ face last night

Or, well, that god I consider connected to the wind and Mercury that melded with Hermes

That was a wonder to see