Elucidating Questions

History is so full of people claiming they were defending themselves against people they were invading

I’d start with Rome, but it’s just there

All throughout history, humans insisting themselves upon others

Of course this insistence was upon the land and the creatures there too

And whenever I wonder what humans have truly created in this world I think music

The only form of humanity that doesn’t take from someone else to enrich itself

But music has become propaganda

So everything eventually spoils

I wish humanity was more beautiful than this

I wish I lived in a place that didn’t poison me

I’m a perfectly decent person until you cross me and then I could say literally anything

Apparently it being okay for my brother to tell me to kill myself opened something dark in me

Once you feed it does it ever truly go away?

And this world doesn’t make it easy to feed the light in me

It feels like if I don’t force positivity it can’t exist

Input negative

Output negative

I started out such a sweet kid

And now I have to force myself to produce positive thoughts

Because this world is so wrong and evil tramples its surface

So much toxicity has entered me from these people

More insistence

I do not believe we are born like this

I do not believe we are born to hate and destroy

The me who spits back feels so foreign when I realise what I spat

How does one teach themselves to lead with compassion when everything coming in is negative?

I wish he’d cease his scratching

I feel so oppressed by everything

Oppressed by my income, oppressed by other people

Oppressed by society’s demands

Capitalism

And when I explode from the pressure I don’t see myself

I want to see myself in every action

If this darkness inside me is so great

How am I to defeat it with no fuel for feeding the light?

I am so poisoned

My Dad is so negative

My brother is so negative

The world is so negative

There’s little nature here to pull it from, the positivity

Gods please tell me how I’m supposed to produce something I don’t receive?

I feel so out of place

Like I don’t belong here

There’s nothing to tether me here

If I knew it wouldn’t kill all of them and or start white people tourism I would go live in an uncontacted tribe of people

There is nothing that makes me want to stay here, besides the Earth herself

And she cannot sustain me

Because no one taught me how to sustain myself

They beat the wild out of all of us

With this society of theirs

Borders don’t exist

Race doesn’t exist

These are not things you can prove exist

Culture exists

Lineage certainly exists

Generational traumas of the dewilding of the general population so we are helpless but to continue fueling the fires of capitalism and greed until we choke on our own smoke

And when we start begging for air they sell it to us

New and Improved Air

Packaged straight to you for the low low cost of existing

Maybe “competing” air companies pop up

Sexualised ads of men sipping air surrounded by half naked women

“For the intake of it”

Or something saucy and poppy that I can’t come up with because I don’t specialise in the manipulation of people

While around them the fires get hotter

Demand more fuel

The ones making the money are sitting in their air purified mansions and they don’t care if they’ll destroy the world because at least they “got theirs”

People who believe only in exponential gain for themselves should be given the least of what the least greedy person wants

But exponential gain is all that people seem to believe in these days

So many things get too big and then pop

Bubbles, balloons, Stars, allegedly whatever started the Universe itself

And you don’t think maybe just maybe moderation is key?

I don’t know if planets pop if they get too big, but I’d bet they do

There’s always an upper limit

You could push it, but why?

Why when our planet as she is still has everything to sustain us for generations?

Giving a greedy man a currency

Humanity is If You Give a Mouse a Cookie in real time, long run, full codex completion with the added bonuses of racism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, sexism, ageism, and hatred just in general

Contempt for eachother

Because if we cared about the people beyond our scope of existence we wouldn’t be letting this happen

We wouldn’t shrug as not only our freedoms, our livelihoods, our families, were affected if we cared about everyone else too because we’d see the bigger picture

And sometimes I feel outraged that my place on this planet is decided by accepted fascisms

It’s all fascism

Law and the enforcement of it are fascism, people just have historically mostly agreed on the laws set forth

Our contempt is shown in how we lock people away for perceived misdeeds without ever considering who those laws served and why

Like sending drug users to jail.

Who are you protecting from what?

So many things in our existence need to be closely looked at and re-evaluated because

Imagine humanity is the first “intelligent” civilization in the Universe (don’t laugh too hard about the intelligence bit)

And we invented a massive blue torture chamber for ourselves

Less some couple thousand people

Out of billions

Are you not embarrassed?

And if there are other civilizations out there watching us who have better technology than we do

Are you not ashamed?

They toiled and broke their bodies every day so they could kick their young out of the house and force them to do it again while the rich prevented support from being distributed to the elderly people who could no longer work because they’d broken themselves just so they could force their offspring to do the same thing

Nevermind what you do to disabled people

And I’m the insane one

Meanwhile less than 1% of the population is partying

If you want to tell me that society’s goal was the exponential gain of less than a city of people

While the rest of the world toils

Humanity has very strange priorities and I cannot in good conscience be a part of them

It’s Omelas in reverse

And I couldn’t stand Omelas as it was

To be evil

Nothing but a scourge on this Earth

To provide no use to anyone

To be truly useless

Just taking up space and spreading harm

I shouldn’t exist in these spaces but if I didn’t I wouldn’t speak to anyone

Four walls

My Dad

I guess I’d speak to one

And four walls

I shouldn’t be allowed to cause harm

I still sometimes think back to my confusion when I overdosed in the hospital

In the ambulance it started

I don’t know what I had been doing, I was shifting in and out of consciousness

I just remember the paramedic leaning over me and asking “why are you sorry? Why are you sorry?”

At the time, in my mind, I’d been apprehended for something

This thought evolved when I woke briefly while being rolled through the hospital on a stretcher

I thought I was the worst person on the planet

That “they” had finally found me and I was being taken away to be put into solitary confinement for the rest of my life

People think I have a victim complex

I don’t

I have a bad guy complex

The laws I’ve broken haven’t been even a sneeze in comparison to the things others on this planet have done but I feel like the worst person on Earth

I feel like I have no right to be here

Or sometimes like I do because existence is suffering and this is probably hell

Sometimes I feel conflicted telling people who are struggling that they deserve to be here

Because if it’s hell isn’t that cruel?

I feel like I can’t exist in any space

I’m never enough

I’m too much

I’m racist

Am I saying racist people deserve the death penalty if I believe that I don’t deserve to live because I’m racist?

I’ve been trying not to dwell on it because when I do I feel hopeless and evil

And you know? Other people may be able to handle harming everything in their lives but I can’t

So the only option is to avoid any group of people at all I guess

I piss off white people because I’m too progressive

And I piss off everyone else because I can’t fit in their perfect little boxes for how people should be

I’m flawed when I’m not allowed to be flawed but when I look around everyone else is flawed

And the fact that I can’t be a good person haunts me

I can’t be a good person so what’s the point?

I can’t be successful, have a family, have love, have friends, have my own home, a job, I can’t have medical care, I can’t have a good life

All that was left was to be a good person

But white people can’t be good people

Because racists aren’t good people

I feel trapped here

I can’t be anything here

I want to live on a planet where people don’t care if they’re different colours or if someone has a different culture or if someone has different religious beliefs because it doesn’t fucking matter and what matters is that we’re all happy, safe, and loved.

Culture is beautiful

All the shades people come in are beautiful

Religion is absolutely fucking disgusting but that’s because they were all so obsessed with what everyone else was worshipping instead of cultivating their own damn beliefs

It’s not enough

It’s never enough

Never good enough

It doesn’t matter if I openly embrace others

It will never change a racists mind and I will always be racist regardless

Why am I here?

To cause harm I don’t even mean to cause?

There’s no point

I don’t want to harm people by existing

I will never be at home on this planet

I’ve had a complicated relationship with Jupiter

Justice

I have believed that justice is broken, is fake, is wrong, dead

All along I felt like I was mistaken anyways

And I didn’t know why

But the things that happen within our so called systems of justice are not justice being carried out

Justice speaks for the good of the people as a whole

Not the few who can afford the best talker

We sit behind evidence and stories painted by people who never were in the room but claim to have an exact understanding of what happened at any given moment

We say innocent until proven guilty but we do not actively live that

Our society presumes guilt

Because it wants outrage

So you can rage at the wrong people for a bit

So many circumstances bring about criminals

We never come from the angle that this was a child once who had needs that weren’t met

Mental health problems that weren’t treated

Or the money didn’t stretch

Were they taught not to ask for help?

The worst criminals we treat them like their failing is personal when society bred and raised them

We make them own that failure, sometimes until death

Sometimes to death

No dedicated studies or work into how we can make these broken humans whole again just anger and throw them away and that’s it

We say in the same breath,

Not guilty due to insanity for murder

And a constant revolving door of jail for lesser offenders

Justice is not something that is put in place and left there

If that was the case we’d still be cutting off people’s hands for stealing

Justice is something you strive for

It’s something you fight for

You can’t expect others to carry out justice in your name when they’re beholden to the maiden of cash money

Justice is something you recognise changes as we as a society grow and learn to understand what makes people act how they do

Laws should be made for all of us not just those of us with a horde of numbers

So maybe I’m half right

Justice is dead here

It stagnated in a swamp of wealthy people

But justice is not like humans

It can be revived

It can be fought for at any time

People just need to stop expecting justice from a system designed to treat everyone as a criminal, wrapped within our society’s need for people to be criminals so we can hate them

Written by racists

Our repulsion towards understanding disabilities and mental health

And our disinterest in the plight of the poor

People whose only crime is homelessness become favourite targets of the police

Black people become targets because they’re automatically perceived as dangerous

Even by black cops

Traits of disabled people become proof of impairment

Police yank every person around like they’re an able bodied person who is built to fight

Anxiety is resisting

And people go to jail if they didn’t pay enough money to get the right talker

This sick unspoken societal law

They’re charismatic, so they’re right, right?

It makes me sick every day, knowing how dead Justice is in this place

Tiny victories here and there, but largely just dead

Rising briefly only to be swallowed whole by the sea of injustices being carried in his name that follow

Unheard of

But justice exists

Justice just isn’t what it was sold to us as

Justice is not power

Justice is recognising a problem and working out a solution that helps ensure the problem doesn’t happen again

Justice is seeing how our collective society played a role in the problem and reassessing how people are treated, how things are done, how we assess who needs what and meet those needs

When a crime is committed it’s not just the perpetrator who failed, and throwing them into a world where they have no name and no agency is not the solution

It’s not even a bandaid solution

It makes it worse

Yet we make no real effort to tackle the brunt of what makes crime occur

And let’s not act like rich people don’t commit crime

But obsession with money is treated as a lesser crime than theft

I don’t know where that leaves me exactly

I’d need an army to revive justice

You need a voice to do things

I didn’t see Jupiter in the sky last night

He’s still within my soul

I want him to live

So many times I’ve held my tongue

Only for the swipes of the Cat to set ablaze the wrong person

Corrosive wit

So angry and so wrong about where to put it

You who comes to collect me when I’m strewn to pieces within myself only to wreck everything you come into contact with

Triggered is a word for it

If I had any control

Words so alien I read them back and don’t know how they could have come from me

Words I can’t remember spoken

Truly they are just beyond the surface

But if I reach in too far I become him

I’d say I’m sorry but I’m not

They never have our back

The only person who has my back is me

And the only person who has our back is me

Can’t trust the bunny to have its own back

So what if they meet cruelty for not standing by?

I detest the silence that pervades when things happen and no one is on our side

Even with voices screaming there’s still the silence of unsaid words

A whiff of cowardice

The stench

This will not be a sappy quest for forgiveness when we are never forgiven

You are just as scared as I am

You’re just stupid

Stupid gets us in trouble

I need that on a shirt

Am I not also the coward?

Hiding so many words in my mind that it bursts with a dark side like the Moon

Ablaze when it faces the Sun

Silent elsewise

Not many people get to be the Sun

Exhausting

You are

Being you is

I wonder how many times I held my tongue while other people didn’t?

I wonder how many times I held it so tight that another me came out and left destruction in his wake?

I never know whether I should be held responsible for things I didn’t did say

I was holding him in so well

Rage leaves me shaking

Is it my rage?

I know my eyes are dry from my tears

The last thing I remember is having control wrested from me like a controller in a game again

Where do I go when I don’t have it?

I’m so tired of being awoken by a crash of breath and tears to

Clean up another mess I allegedly made

Who is I, I wonder?

The Sun is setting

One sec gonna play games with the setting Sun

I wonder if I let myself say what I want to say would I still lose myself in rushing rapids and premature ejaculations of anger?

It remember watching someone go down rapids in a tube once and they went around a corner and suddenly the tube was flying through the air

That’s what it’s like it’s like I’m on the tube going through the rapids

And then the tube is on land suddenly and it’s insulting everyone in sight

Or something

What are you?

Why are you here?

I am so tired all the time

It feels like I’m carrying the weight of the world at all times

I want history to undo itself

For thousands of years of struggle and pain under the rich folk to be stopped before it started

All just a sick little song and dance while they play

More, more, more

And they think I’m taking too much

But there’s a trillionaire

That shouldn’t be a word

I wish it would burst already

The squeeze is only bothering those who didn’t have enough air to begin with

It’s just more people are realising that they don’t have enough

They don’t realise it was never enough and that it was never going to be enough in their quest for more

Pacified people

Content to consume content

I can’t feel calm

Calm was a me long ago

I disproved the “if you die in your dreams you die in real life” thing the other night

I dreamt I was in a dining room with some people

And then there was a collective gasp from people looking out the window

And then I saw rockets falling and one hit into the house through what I recognised as the kitchen

And it blew up

And I just felt this resigned sadness

As fire engulfed me

It was fucked up and I can’t stop reliving it

The difference between the “peace” I observe and the war I saw is luck of the draw

Someone else could have just as easily been sitting in this seat while I was in a warzone

Circumstance

War should be obsolete

The exploitation of the populace

So that a village of people can have a good time

You expect me to believe one person can produce enough worth in society to be worth billions of times more than the rest of the population?

They called me The Fool but at least

At least come up with something good to fool me with

People say I need help

Meanwhile it’s apparently acceptable enough to be worth billions more that the people haven’t just divested themselves of him

I read all these dystopian novels in my teens

I always wondered what could have possibly happened that humanity would allow this

How could they have come to live in pod cities with a super computer running their lives?

How did they get to the point where everyone lived in primly managed communities with no contact with the outside world?

Being exterminated in their “old age” because they were no longer useful?

But this world would see its first trillionaire elected head of the Earth and they’d still go to work just like the day before

It’s like they’re hypnotised by society

Being one person sucks

Being completely ineffectual sucks

I want them all to eat like poor people for a year before we kick them off the iceberg into the frozen seas

Humanity may be the cancer on this Earth at the moment but it could be the caretaker

I’m so sick of people acting like it has to be this way

Universe of infinite possibilities where we can leave our planet and go to the Moon, but daren’t we take care of our populace before hand

It truly astounds me what humans are capable of and what they refuse to be capable of

It boggles my mind the heights humanity will reach and what it refuses to reach for

Yes, we can sustain life in space

No, we can’t sustain life on our planet

Extraordinary