Elucidating Questions

Sol came out

I do feel graced by his light

I do have a face just for him

The secrets I have told to the stars

Day and night

Tumbling through time

Killing time until Time kills me

At the very least there is the Sun

That when I call for help the clouds that hung around all day mysteriously shape a great divide around him

When I am in your gaze everything feels fine

But it is not something I can rely on forever

There can be too much love

My burning skin

Your gaze of fire

But as it sets upon me I feel so at home

This warmth I will miss as you go again

I feel like a star that was born somewhere dark and alone

But when your light is upon me I feel like everything is right for a moment

And you disappear behind a stray

But you will be back

Forbid I ever live in a place without the Sun

No you couldn’t even fix my mood with Trench

Sol I wonder why I belong in your light but not at all on this planet?

Maybe I should have been a planet myself

Fat jokes aside

You really came out just for that moment

The clouds parted

We convined

They swallowed you back up

Thank you for coming to see me for a moment

I will never let you go back to being the expected and mostly ignored constant in my life

You do the darndest things at the right moments

My life is so strange

I wish someone would witness this with me

These great beings

It feels so self obsessed to think the Sun came out for me but he does

Like it’s planned

And just like that the sky is back to being a thick grey

I am fine meeting you if there is no one else on this Earth to see

I can hear other humans living, playing, socialising around me

And yet I am deserted

Oh Mr Sun

I’m sorry your light is never quiet enough to make the loneliness go away

It helps though

For a moment I feel seen

I mean

We already had our year of crisis

No one reached out

If they wouldn’t even come to me in crisis

Why would they come to me when I’m fine?

No one considers the hours

I, over the last several years, came to understand why dogs go crazy waiting for someone to come home and see them

Why animals need a companion of the same type of animal

But all this realisation

That I desperately need socialization

Has led me to nothing

Because I am afraid of trusting anyone with myself

Ever

I seem so open but there is so much I don’t say

So much I was going to say but they were in some mood so it never got said

Trying to coax Sol from behind a cloud

Because my only friends are celestial beings

He seems to be planning his escape from behind them

And

I feel ungrateful

For not valuing them enough

But am I really ungrateful?

Am I?

It is my destiny to be alone?

Unseen?

Less than a side character

An extra in everyone’s lives

Nothing is never enough for me

Am I selfish?

Is this all some sick simulation to get me to be okay with having less and always being in pain but having to put on my servant face to get by

I don’t know who orchestrated this

But I hate it

I hate my life

Ah, yes, it is I

An… One second

*squints*

Able bodied woman with power

The irony

The irony that I was like yeah I get that it sucks but I have more experience with being abused by narcissists than not

And she proceeded to abuse me, misgender me, claim I’m not disabled (snort) and leave

Wow how different from all the others before you

My outlook has changed

It’s like every time a man wanders into my life and I’m wary of him and he proceeds to prove why

Then they ask you to throw away your lived experience and just blindly trust that

Even though the majority of men in my life have been just awful

That was the minority and I just

Oh usually

“have bad taste”

Because I definitely asked for a conversation with a random man by

One sec

*squints*

Vaping in public

And I just ask for narcissists to exist around me

I’m so afraid of the combination of the two again

It’s like why bother trying if my result could be me giving in because I’m about to die again

I still don’t know what stopped him

Here I am

So abled

Check out my abledness

I slept most of the day and am now struggling to stay awake but that is what I’m greeted with

If I could go one day without being misgendered

And no Universe that doesn’t include all these fucking days where I see no one except internet people

Too much

I am so depressed today

I feel like this is going to be my whole life

Why stay awake for this

I made a mistake with my heart medication yesterday

And now I just feel lousy

I wish there was someone here with me

It’s so tempting to just sleep

So tempting

Heart going a thousand miles a minute

I am in all sorts of pain

Nothing is going right

Or wrong

Just nothing

I don’t know why my options are wrong or nothing

Every time I gain something I lose something else

Like I’m only allowed to have so much in my life at a time

And I’ll gain something stupid like oh I got the disability tax credit

Oh now your sister is dead

Oh I got a tamagotchi because I am going insane

Oh now Onyx is dead

And it’s been like that forever

Why?

I could be making up patterns but that’s always how it seems to go

I just have to feel lousy all the time

Again if I chose this life I must be a really twisted individual

Even I don’t hate myself enough to do this to me

Can’t have anything

If something goes right something must go wrong immediately after

They say no pain no gain

I am in agony all the time where is the gain?

I want to see you

The you who is in my dreams

In my waking hours

I am so lonely here and drowning in nothingness

Scared for my life

Being only this

I wish I could will you into being

I wish I could will people who care for me into being

I don’t want my brain to think of alcohol as its happy juice

Damn regrets

It’s not like I drank that much but that I did

First drink in years

If only I could hold it together for the both of us

These temptations

World peace

World contentment is more what I’m going for

I like when people who approached me announce they have an anxiety disorder

No kidding, excuse me while I continue to masterfully hide mine

Over all

Poor guy

But I don’t know why it has to be my problem I have so many problems

Inching ever closer to oblivion on this conveyor

Hoping mine will run beside someone’s

Bombarded with all the problems of the world

I wish I could be selfish

And just say fuck it he was invading my peace and talking about sensitive topics

But I can’t because I see the dynamics of another desperate soul just seeking something

I don’t carry a knife anymore

I doubt I would use one if I did

I’ll probably die in some ironic way like

Poor person who was only slightly poorer takes out revenge on society by killing another poor person

I’d like to be given the right to sleep myself away

But I’m often in places I shouldn’t be

I wish this was a world where no one felt the need to use me like a towel and then walk away leaving me to drown in the ocean they just tossed me into

There is so much noise around me

Actual explosions today

Should have used that word the day before yesterday

Explosive

I have so many questions and so few answers

I can’t rely on poison to keep me sane

At least not that poison

I’m already frying my liver with pills and monster energy drinks

Occupied

I wonder what the purpose of today was?

Well, it’s just another revolution

Sol I’ll stop hiding from you when you stop being so close but also don’t go but also go I want the stars back

Okay?

Love ya!

I’m a genius

He announced this to me

I’m a genius

My Uncle, who was a genius, never said anything about his intelligence

Sick men often think they’re the smartest

There was some kind of explosion

Just a few minutes ago

There were already sirens wailing so I don’t know whether it was supposed to happen or not

I don’t know how these people just live through their days without being tripped up by these things

A strange man announcing he’s a genius

An explosion somewhere

It’s been a day already

I don’t find hope in this strange wasteland

That has laid waste to the land

I had some concerning dreams last night

I wonder what has changed?

I want him to be okay

Like my level of okay

Not a regular person’s

Like an, I’m hanging in there because, well, I don’t know why because, but here I am, way

I wouldn’t wish this hanging on on to anyone but if he can’t be okay at least have him hanging on

I just want to go to sleep today

I feel like I’ve done my doing for the week already and it’s Tuesday

I want to drink the alcohol that’s in my fridge really badly

But it’s before noon

It’ll be okay because no one cares that I’m drinking and I’ll drink it all before anyone ever knows it was there

No one knows because no one cares to know

No one is so invasive in my life that they’d be going in my fridge

I say invasive, but I wish

I wish I knew someone so well that they’d just stop by and go into my fridge

I want someone who isn’t completely toxic to take a notice in me

Why is that so much to ask?

Yeah, I get it, ugly and fat

Is that really all these shallow monkeys see?

So driven by carnal desires they can’t even see a person for who they are and not: fuckable or not fuckable and therefore: interesting or not interesting?

Fancy monkeys you got there, shame they killed the planet

Because they wouldn’t listen to ugly people

I don’t know

I am not bitter that I’m ugly

I’m bitter that I exist in a place where I am ugly and therefore I am worthless and stupid

I don’t think I’m ever going to get past that

My shape is arbitrary

Never once in my search for a person have I specifically said they had to be capitalism beautiful

Just they have to be beautiful

In the sense of being a loving and accepting human being who can handle my interesting brand of madness

Someone who cares for me would have to be an amazing person

I know I’m not special

But at the very least I am worthy of being loved

So far no one has really seen that

Even when they said they did