Elucidating Questions

I don’t know

I really don’t

Ever your strange ass cheerleader

I don’t have a cheer for you

You’re just something my mind apparently attached to

Sorry

Sorry for my presence

Honestly

I make people uncomfortable

But I love you

You beautiful human you

I don’t even know what to say

3000

Including the other poems that The Cat rage deleted

Thanks for that

Almost certainly more

I mean that’s a number

Damn I love you

Look at this I mean I don’t do things

Well, whatever

My joy

My pain

My everything

For some reason

For reasons I sought and never found

Mysteries, my love

Oh and I call everyone “my love”

Pets, humans, plants, wild animals

I know my place in this world

Besides it

To you who inspired 3000 things

I wonder how long this endless letter will get?

A tomb

I used to think I had to do something

Besides still wanting to

The madness settled

Heh mostly

My poor brain

Okay I’ll feel triumphant for a moment

I want to raise you up when you reach those moments

Ah, but, if

I set out thinking we were similar

Now all I know is I don’t know

You have a beautiful heart

This is decided

My poor heart holds onto this

Like that last thing it has

It doesn’t matter if I’m both seven and eight

Entirely lost in my naivete

While also wary of everything

So lonely my soul hurts

Towards the daybreak of despair

Yeah something like that

会えなくって良い

って

自分に言って

One crow

It’s a wonder I made it this far

I should be proud of myself

I remember the last time I was proud of myself

And my father told me I couldn’t be

Maybe I’ve forgotten how

With my feet planted in the dirt

I made it this far

And it’s a miracle

Haha Hermes

You know what I mean

Thanks to all the various godlike beings that helped make that possible

I’m here

Is that something?

Oh pain

Such pain

I tried

That’s like the story of my life

But I mostly gave up trying

Once the world smacks you down enough times you just kind of stay down

I want better for others though

My fight to make things better is not for me

I don’t imagine myself benefiting from these things first

3000 letters

Hey You

You’re there somewhere?

You, where are you and what are you doing now?

Are you under this same brilliant Sun as me?

If it is 9:30 on Canada Day morning (i.e. no rush hour)

And are already yelling at people to speed so you can turn faster

And are already squealing your tires around corners?

Either you and your anger management need to be taken off the road

Because you’re clearly not using it

Or you need to be on more mood regulation meds than I do

Isn’t it strange?

Oh I’m depressed by the state of the world

Here have some pills

I’m angry and dangerous

Here’s a big truck and some guns

Because surely giving an angry man a weapon of destruction will help

Right?

Luckily I’m less likely to meet an angry person with guns

But still

My eyes keep crying

Like there’s some secret they know I don’t

Cursed leaking eyes

My mind was occupied by him again

For a moment

Oh goodie more people showing up to my work place before it opens

There is so much anger in this world and yet they never tried to medicate it away

Sadness is apparently more dangerous

All I’m going to kill is myself

It’s anger that kills hundreds and thousands

And tens of thousands

It’s a wonder, really

That they don’t see anger as treatable

On your mind am I?

Do you have a mind?

Sorry that was a foolish question

More anger

Angry people should not be allowed to drive

There should be an anger test along with the driver’s test

Oh look some white men in caps blasting rap music

I don’t know

I just know people need to chill out

If I can be calm and collected

Yet screaming on the inside

So can you.

Maybe everyone is just fine and I don’t know anything

After all I haven’t known

Well it’s better I don’t know anything

I assume

There must be some reason for the sloth setting in

Who knows maybe I took it all on myself

Who knows maybe I’m the only one who feels like this

My sweet loves

Lost to Time

Maybe I am once again alone in my feeling

My concern is not needed

Perhaps

Well I guess what I said what fitting then

Get fired up

Maybe he’s in escape the thoughts at all cost mode

How I wish that wouldn’t happen

I am powerless to do a thing

I suppose there’s no one there

Maybe there is

Maybe it doesn’t matter

No one is here with me

Afterall no one is ever with me

I wish night time would come back

I miss the stars

I always think I love these long bleeding sunsets until I’m in them and I can’t see my diamonds in the sky

I wish there was someone here on this planet for me

Not just someones out there somewhere

This planet is lonely, Universe

I feel I am the only one here who speaks my language

Similar but never the same

And always in these fleeting moments

They said you’d catch flies with honey, but, flies, it turns out, are awful and I’d like to catch something that doesn’t just want to eat all my food, fly in my face, and shit everywhere

Or something poetic

He’s not the one who’s alone tonight

Sol when it’s these inbetween hours

I miss both you and the stars

Why am I alone?

What did I do?

If every note was like the wind

And went to rap upon you door

And just remind you you’re something every time you don’t think so

I do not have the answers for the past

And when I have them for the future

They are but thoughts until the future meets them and as we pass into the present I see them

They see me

That’s what that meant

If only the future was clear

But my dear

Even the past is not

For our memories become more clouded every time we touch them

The only true clear thing is right now

Whatever right now is

This strange constant moment between past and future

This Time

The undeniable ways we are caught between the gears of past and future

Each grinds us together

Into what we are for a moment

But a moment

Ah, yes, Chester

A precious moment

His music came into my head that time

He’s with me in ways I cannot explain

I’d rather he was still here

We accept what we cannot change

It is all these things in life that could change but don’t that madden me

This madness

Unknown, but to a few

Oh if I had the power

What I wouldn’t do to these people who are destroying this place

My internal fires are unimportant

Another day is gone

And you are so much more than you ever let yourself believe

And I am trapped in Time

Killing time

Aren’t we all

But from the sounds of the enjoyment around me

I’m the one trapped in it alone

I’m alone

This hand of mine that can’t make a move

Gently I lay down to sleep

And pray I’ll finally find the tomorrow when my solitude ends

I wish this was a dream so I could take flight

And go to where my heart is

I missed my chance

Tried to give myself a chance

One chance

Every regret trapped in a kaleidoscope

The colours a remnant of a fire I don’t feed anymore

That just burns beneath like a never dying ember

Gaze upon it and it lights again

There are one too many choices and they all lead to a failed ending

Too many choices I have to make to accept less for more

And besides the fire burns for one who never once set eyes upon it

But I would give it to him now

To keep warm with

I would fight my way to him

As my never dying light does for me

In these strange ways that being ultimately rejected sent me back to the wildness within me

The only one who can tell me

I will never leave you

That I would believe

As he does

In his uncanny ways

Moments one would think of as strange ever happening

In the happening

If I could send it to him

Give him a moment he can’t ignore

That everything is okay

Maybe

I don’t know because I used my one chance

She said that the chance would fly if you don’t take it

If you hide your feelings

When I see her on the floor with the music playing

I see my loneliness in her

That the child in me is as lonely as hers is

These ideas

The stories were fine when they were stories but I wear it on my skin

Now, this loneliness doesn’t fade

There’s no answer to this

Just to be taken along for the silence of wondering

I never knew my trajectory was further into the waves than ever

Ever my heart pours into the net

Never a fish

Not a creature

What could this loneliness catch?

Someone is having happy birthday sung to them

I used to feel embarrassed by that song because I was under everyone’s attention at once

What is it like to hear others sing for you?

Maybe it is very much like being in his light

In but a moment

How the moment stretches on

I failed and can be of no help to him

But I feel

Just for a moment

Like I am fine

When the fire I have been feeding lights my eyes

Yeah that one was a punch

You’ve become someone that would have protected you as a child

I mean, damn

At least right?

At least I didn’t become angry and want others to fall behind me

And I am ever still preoccupied with the life status of the blue one

You’d think I’d know

Ah well

Trying to ignore the Universe trying to freak me out

I have some expectations

But they all require him to be

Well, well enough to do them

How I just want him to be well and quiet

And safe

My heart can’t take many things

But oh the fear

Sometimes our most precious people are beyond our sight and invisible

But they’re there

I think he knows this

I think he does

If my greatest guardians could guard him for a bit

I’ve got so much stuff to wrestle with here

How I just wish I could reach him for a second

Not in a creepy like I want to invade his space but in a

An attempt to share the weight

I would take every weight that comes

I would protect me as a child, but if I could I would protect the child within every adult as well

Children don’t stop existing at 18