Elucidating Questions

Yeah that one was a punch

You’ve become someone that would have protected you as a child

I mean, damn

At least right?

At least I didn’t become angry and want others to fall behind me

And I am ever still preoccupied with the life status of the blue one

You’d think I’d know

Ah well

Trying to ignore the Universe trying to freak me out

I have some expectations

But they all require him to be

Well, well enough to do them

How I just want him to be well and quiet

And safe

My heart can’t take many things

But oh the fear

Sometimes our most precious people are beyond our sight and invisible

But they’re there

I think he knows this

I think he does

If my greatest guardians could guard him for a bit

I’ve got so much stuff to wrestle with here

How I just wish I could reach him for a second

Not in a creepy like I want to invade his space but in a

An attempt to share the weight

I would take every weight that comes

I would protect me as a child, but if I could I would protect the child within every adult as well

Children don’t stop existing at 18

Ah, this worry

Like my heart feels as though it is beating through molasses

There is no way to know

And I am terrified

Surely, surely, I’m over reading it and it’s not like that

God

My life is a farce

Why

No

That is my rage speaking

Oh how I want to lash out at people for thinking this is acceptable

That my life is acceptable

Of course when the rage is stifled

Tears fall because it hurts so much to not be able to just scream at everyone

I want to be someone

Make some difference

No more of this stupid arguing with randos on Facebook

Who tell me over and over to accept my lot in life and be fine with it

This is my role?

It’s the moment I started crying

And the music changes

To a familiar voice saying

There’s no need to cry anymore, you’re okay, look up at the sky, my sweetest love

And of course there’s a burning ball of fire showing through the clouds

These strange contextual things

I told him he wasn’t to come out because it’s a rainy day and it appears he listened but he was always visible through the clouds

I can show him how tired I am for a moment

Rushing always when the tears fall

Something comes along

This place

Pushes me and pushes me and then says

Don’t cry

queer things indeed

There’s so much going on

I’ve had this constant headache

And he’s silent

And of course he is

But the worry

I have to continue on

I will not lie down and take the abuse of this society

The ways they explain how the world is awful and are okay with it

A sick society

Oh for the love of god

Please be okay

Can I please pick a problem

I feel it draining out of me

Like someone took the plug out of the bottom

There were words

And now my mind is so still it is frightening

Everything is so still it is frightening

The season of the rose

It was fun watching them go one, two, three

Pinkish white, white, and pink

And some beautiful blood red ones

Me, eh?

I’m constantly trying to find my season

Insisting it’s the next one because this one doesn’t fit

Dare I even think of him?

Please be okay

Days feel empty right now

Like I’m constantly struggling to never get above water

I wish I could just put my email somewhere and have people send me money

No I don’t know why they’d send me money

I don’t know why we created a system of never enough in a world that had enough

I swear I was writing earlier I must have been thinking furiously

About tramadol and headaches

About things being out for delivery for several days instead of telling you they’ve been delayed

A raven

I can now hear them calling

Ah, yes, there are the crows

There are two ravens calling

And now there are crows

The crows moved in and have taken offense to the ravens

These beings are so curious

I can see the Sun, a ball of light surrounded by grey

Can’t look at him for too long or it starts to feel like my eyes will explode

Fun

Such a weird place

They think I’m weird

I wonder where I came from?

One second I’m doing one thing

And then I’m doing something else

And I don’t know how I got from activity one to two

Or I’ll be outside vaping and realise I have no recollection of getting up and coming outside

I’m just there

And I’m genuinely afraid I’m losing myself in this silence

A butterfly floats by

How do they live so solitary?

I need a family

Like not my blood family

I love them, they love me

I need a family that can help me

That would

My mum, bless her, honestly, is not the person I should be counting on and yet here we are again

Just wishing for someones to come along and help

But again we come to the part where what exactly would I bring to any relationship?

I’m suffering and as far as I can tell humans hate suffering

But in an “I’m going to look the other direction with my fingers in my ears and hope someone else cleans it up for me”

Kind of way

They always tell me to go fix myself elsewhere

And, yes, at the centre of it all I have to be the one that wants to live

But am I not begging to live?

Begging for my life?

Begging to be someone to somebody?

They say you have to save yourself and then they leave

Okay I fucking did that

I’m here

I want to be here

And yet no one comes so I am to assume I have what I need

Dismay, Universe

Rejection

For someone with rejection dysphoria

I gotta tell you feeling rejected by the entire Universe is probably what set me off in the first place

I know you only meddle

But then they’re meddling

And he’s meddling

And I’m caught between you all

I don’t know if I will ever really understand

Maybe I can’t?

One

One really good friend who just walks in who I can talk to and go hang out with some times

Someone who doesn’t take pieces out of me with every visit and then turn around a decade later and talk about their trauma caused by “friends” vagueness no it’s definitely not you but you know, “friends”

While never listening to mine

In fact I don’t want anyone who takes pieces out of me to be in my life for a decade

At my core I, despite hating this life, believe it is precious

My time matters

I may not be any special thing

But at the very least I want people who take from me to be temporary and people who I can truly grow with to stay

I don’t want to disappear before I even die because my brain eats itself alive in the silence

A dragonfly

And a wasp eating the wood on the shed again

Something of substance

All you ever offer me are fleeting moments or torment

Or fleeting moments of torment

To live

Oh, to live

I would become a different person

It’s so hard to see the numbers tick closer to 3000

Realising I’m no better off now

Worse if anything

I had abandonment issues and then everyone just walked away

I was willing to take almost anything

They weren’t

I put up with a lot

I just wish people noticed

I don’t want a trophy

I want reciprocation

Doing to others as you want to be treated doesn’t work

And, no, I haven’t been perfect

But I always tried to act with good intentions

And now I’m disappearing

And no one cares

There is a man

He wants to have a conversation with me

I just happened to get off the same bus as him so we all know my headphones being in is a hint to start talking to me

Hermes is 風ing

Fuuing

It just works

Trying to blow my walker

Here they go again

Hermes you creature

He, the man, keeps wandering close

And doing things to grab attention

I am fighting off a sugar crash and exhausted

Why does this happen?

People seem to think I invite conversation

Ah Chester

I don’t know who to trust

No surprise

I feel safer

I want to have a bodyguard

A big giant person who never says anything but loves intensely

There was a line in a song earlier

零れた涙は僕が拭うから

That person

You came and went so quickly

Do you catch every one?

I asked the Sun to come out and then sat in the shade

That’s me I suck a bit

Sorry Sol

There

Together again

And Venus and Jupiter and Mercury

I so often forget you’re all right there

Well Jupiter isn’t always

Whatever

All my trouble makers together

We got on the same bus

It’s fun to just feel terror

Like I am completely fine

But my body is like

That is dangerous

Panic and terror

Panic and terror

Chester went I don’t feel safe anymore

The armour that man gives me

Never in past tense my love

Never

Mike too

Linkin Park was amazing

The Sun is the best song ever

I have no idea how it goes

But damn

The Sun’s light and a guitar screaming

Best things

Violins too

Thanks for reminding me instantly Spotify

This song always feels like it’s calling me out a bit

Why do you, with your tiny hands, try to take on everything?

I don’t know stop asking

Yeah I’ll find the way somehow

My heart hurts

I don’t know where I’m going but I know I’d rather it be with him here than not

Just remember to breathe

The Sun has gone away again

But just at that moment

My back hurts like

Like I’m carrying way too much

I wish I knew how to put it down

Ah yes

Things not quite going right

Oh, who knows

Maybe I was just supposed to see Violet

Maybe she needed that moment today

I never know

Whose life you’re planning to crash me into for but a moment

And my plans?

Never carefully lain

Because you

It’s not even last place Hermes

It’s like

Nothing ever quite going the way I wanted it to

And I’ve reeled in my expectations over the years

It’s fine, Violet looked happy

Sweet girl

How I wish I could make this a world that takes care of them

How do you see children and not want the world to take care of them?

They don’t suddenly lose all their worth except labour at 18

Hell, they aren’t even fully developed until around 26!

And how no one realised that up until now

No

Sorry

That is another porant

I want to make this world worth living in

Rantem

Porantem

Words are fun

Still

You don’t need to tell me how he feels

I know

Well, I went on an exhausting journey two weeks in a row

Sounds about right

No chance meetings

Spoke to a lady in McDonald’s

Maybe she needed to see my colours

Who knows?

I ended up being a colourful alone person

Which is possibly a single step up from my father’s dark aloneness

But he got my brothers

There is so much within me

I wish I could do something

Whenever I try to do something I fail

Then they tell me off for being bitter

Humans are so weird

I’m not okay

Are you also not okay?

I have nothing to say to make it better

I just want to be here with you regardless