Elucidating Questions

Well it’s not unavoidable, right?

If he’s taught me anything it’s that anything is avoidable

Anything you want to avoid anyways

But I have to will myself to do these things somehow

Force myself to do these things that enable my functioning

It may be a crutch, but it is a delicious crutch that I am kind of hoping will kill me like everyone keeps saying it will

No

But yes

I hate having things I have to do

No one does the things I need them to do

But I have to do all this stuff so I can keep doing what they need me to do

Which is persist

For some reason

In one of my dark moments

Feeling over half a decade of being ignored weighing on me

Hold on

Hold on

I wanted to do this together

With someone

I want to be

Like nothing else in my life I wish I could be

Live life

Not just spend hours rewatching shows from yesteryear because everything is too violent now

Like they enjoy watching it

Make him do it

Whatever it was

Oh these thoughts pouring out as soon as they come in

Someone else should have to help me

Why have to

Because if someone said they tried everything and needed help I would try to help them

I don’t think I would know what to say if there was even a chance to say it

I don’t understand it

I don’t

I won’t stop running though

Every day I come to this spot and that’s all I hear

I wonder if it’s your influence

The power songs come on

Just keep going

Am I setting society aflame behind me?

To document a life with prose

What a stupid and lofty goal

Yeah it sounds like me alright

And my boys

Yeah it would be you delivering them to me

Love and miss

Love and miss

Take them on and continue

I’ll collect a billion souls if I have to

I don’t want to be a phantom

Oh how I don’t want to be the cause of my own destruction

Nor his

I don’t know what it means when it feels like it’s over there

It’s just strange to be here

So half hearted

Not that, you say

I need to believe in myself

But, love,

Ah, he hated that

But, love

I don’t even know what dreams I’m supposed to be realising

That love could find me before we ever meet?

It’s not as if anyone will ever know

About this life secret

Sitting so far away

But these vibrations are you

I don’t know why

Frankly, none of anything makes sense

But I can feel it

To love directly

To have the courage to love someone completely again

The me I want to be

Sometimes I think the only reason I’m alive is because I came out as non-binary

I don’t think I could live with myself if I was still pretending.

Struggling and on the edge

Constantly

But I feel less angry at myself

Most of the time

I lament, but I don’t hate myself like I once did

I at least think I deserve decency

It’s not like I have any concrete answers about who I am

I’m just pretty sure I don’t think I’m the worst person in the world anymore

I don’t think they were either

Looking back on my past

Always just desperately trying to find something good in life

All the good in my life has had a massive asterisk next to it

It’s hard to stomach

Something good that lasts

Something good that doesn’t have some great drawback attached

Who knows where I would be if I kept it all inside

I can finally wear clothing without constantly checking if it “looks right”

I don’t feel like I have to care about silly stuff like that anymore

I’m not putting on an image

I am one and I am whatever happens to be at the moment

It’s not really my fault that people can’t see me

I don’t think it is

I think that it should be expected that someone who loves massively needs massive love back

But this is a taking world

I didn’t hand out any extra discounts today

Everyone was being really just not worth it

I had been giving them out pretty freely

But people often don’t even say thank you for it

I did a couple price adjustments, but that’s about it

It’s not like I do good things so I’ll feel good

I enjoy seeing people be happy I’ve done something for them though

If they don’t care then why should I?

Boundaries

I wish I could set boundaries with the universe

At least one friend

A real, in person, we talk about stuff, friend

Because if I just had one anchor I feel like I could do this

10 years is nothing together

But alone

It is the longest thing I have ever known

I honestly don’t know how I am still here

I don’t know

I thought if I signalled I was just done with everything he’d come

Rushing

Make it an end for me regardless of Time

That smile says I am naïve

Innocent, you correct

God, if I’m innocent I can only imagine

I wish I was a far more innocent monkey than I am

So much more than I can ever imagine

I couldn’t stay locked up anymore

It’s never suited me to be the same thing as someone else

A placeholder for things that don’t have words

It’s true that since

I have been kept

I feel more comfortable in my own skin knowing my own skin doesn’t define me

That I am not something to be known with a glance

Being non-binary is me accepting that I am so much more than what my outsides tell you

And I’m visibly Queer(rainbows, trans flags, what have you) so that youngins can see that I am comfortable enough to be so

Even though I’m not

So they believe they can be one day

I never had any trans elders growing up

And it really fucked me up

Keep shining like that star?

If only I could shine as bright as someone so great

The star

Continue the light

It’s hard, you know

There’s so much darkness in me

Sky?

Like in the sky I guess

If I could illuminate someone’s world

Be their light

I feel so unutilized here

I have this capacity for so much love and it just hangs around

Having no idea the place I’m headed

So wasted

もったいないよ

永遠にここで一人で居て

難しいすぎる

Nothing is forever?

Oh how dare you, who was that?

Forever is something I may not know

But this is all this me has known

He insists we didn’t die, but

I was certainly reborn

Regardless, I suppose

Here I am

I’ll always be right here

Well

No I suppose I won’t

Maybe I’m not here at all

It’s the audacity

Haha my sister is going to be so mad I used her points

Did you just trick me into using someone else’s points on your transaction?

No

Fuck you dude

Fuck people that do this

Oh and then going

We’re family no one’s going to be mad

Oh really?

So I imagined the entire thing did I?

Fuck people

Like taking money from someone

Our points system is shit

100 points is $1

1 point per dollar

She had $11

Do the math

She racked up all those points and I was manipulated into giving them away to someone else

I feel disgusting

Like I just assaulted someone

You can say “oh it was only $11”

You can’t say “oh she only spent $1100 to get $11 and now it’s gone”

Fuck

Using me to hurt other people

And the fucking lovers

Oh look we’re so in love we play fight in the line at the store

Everyone look at how in love we are

Ugh

Nevermind my 体調

元気けど体調悪くって

Trying to hard to be

These demands you have of me

It’s too much

This world has taught me one thing

It’s that no matter how much I’m suffering

If everyone else is fine

Nobody cares and they expect me to suffer alone in silence

It’s not even just me

Thousands of people are living like me or worse

But it doesn’t matter

Even the billions suffering around the world doesn’t move their hand

I don’t know how people live a happy life knowing what goes on in this world

I don’t know how they see unhoused people and think it’s their failure and not society’s

It seems so impossible to just erase all the pain for my own sake

Irresponsible even

So it doesn’t matter if I have to choose between two things that keep me going

No one will see me struggling

So it doesn’t matter, right?

Cruel

This world

That it would keep suffering people

What other way could there have been?

We now have the means to uplift every person out of poverty

But instead we’re playing a game of reverse funnel

Where we send all the money to the top so they can enjoy it while everyone watches

What a strange existence this is

How short and cruel

I wonder what we were supposed to do

Somehow I don’t know that there was any other path for me to take

Don’t you wonder what it would be like if we met?

Don’t you?

Face to face

Instead of dancing in these messages all the time

Things I have to pick up and read

I suppose if mosquitoes bite me I have a reason to live

To be here to be eaten by mosquitoes

I mean

It’s not like there’s billions of animals every year being raised to the slaughter

If I knew

If I knew the signs

I can only believe in what I see and I see so much nothing

Hell or limbo?

Is it hell or limbo?

If it’s truly all in my head then why can’t I just head myself a million dollars?

Yeah, really

Lost as hell

Sure enough of my uncertainty of everything

Could there really be just some lock I’ve missed?

Some key

Cross the line

If I could freely

If I was to just leave and see where my feet ended up taking me

Would I be that same character?

Walking from one edge to the other?

Walking

At least Mannon was on the other side for them

So, for me? Dear Author?

I let them lie in their happy endings where they belonged

I’m so sick of telling other people it’s a happy ending for them

If I disappear?

Tell them I fought so hard until I couldn’t anymore

And that the only thing they did was try to extend my hell

Tell them that I died bleeding love and no one ever saw it