Elucidating Questions

If the light inside never fades

But it’s not very bright

Maybe shining with darkness

Somewhere inside

The corvids have been warring

Their cries spreading out into the world

I look at them and see humans fighting over foolish things

If only I could bridge the language gaps

He’s so far away

Always so far away

And I know there’s no chance for the chance that I’m looking for

I don’t know how to shine bright like all these others

And I feel foolish trying

Attempting to be someone

He’s there and I’m here, always

Maybe it’s that way in which we both exist in the same, yet different, worlds

I know only certain few are welcome

I don’t want to be rich

I don’t even want to be famous

I just want to know someone’s listening

These words want to live as much as I do

As they pour

Avoided you today

Oh

I can’t possibly let myself

Oh what can it hurt

Not really knowing what the difference is between there and here

Do I disappear?

I wish I could shine like you

No, not plain

And yet he burns

This curious place

The words pull

Become sharp in their voice

I doubt I could properly explain it

The setting Sun

In this moment where it is both tomorrow and today

A line controls it

As if you could control Time

Lost the Moon for a moment

It’s fun to see the difference in her face

Daytime, evening, and nighttime Moon

Like these roses, blooming, will you keep me company but a short while and then leave?

Do they realise that at a distance they all look the same?

Do they realise we’re all the same?

How my headaches

Lately it’s my head rather than my heart

As if my heart already did its hurting

My head is taking over

Rather it’s a defence mechanism perhaps

Maybe if my head hurts first my heart can’t

Busy you see

It may not be true

If up until now is any sign

It’s not

If it were up to me

Ah, but if this was a world up to me it would be much different

And maybe I am just an extra in his story

But I became self aware

If waking up and realising I don’t want to be a pawn in someone’s board game

That I don’t want to be just some fan

I want to stand up by myself

I want to do something incredibly different

Maybe it doesn’t go out

Where was the start line?

How many laps are there to this th

Oh you

Asking the tough questions

Me imagining cats in my future

You asking why I can’t then imagine myself a partner

If I imagine someone

And it ends up being someone completely different

Doesn’t it put unfair expectations on them?

And obtaining a cat

Is far easier than obtaining a human

Sure I can say

I imagine someone who loves me in my future

But the thing is I have had cats

I know cats exist

No one has ever loved me

Not the way I want to be

It’s not like my mum and dad don’t love me

It’s not like I don’t know that

It’s not the type of love I need

Not that I’d even know I suppose

Oh how I imagined

Be more specific

Be less specific

But also don’t look for love or you’ll never find it

Aphrodite I protest

How am I supposed to find something I’m not looking for?

How am I supposed to not look for it when it’s all I’ve ever wanted?

Expect the unexpected

But you’ll find love when you least expect it

So many fucking contradictions

Taught to this tiny me

I want to be part of his world

Be less specific

I want to be part of a world that is life being lived

Not watched with horror through news stories and internet discourse

Not a cloud in the sky

The Wind blew away the heat a fair bit

Then left

Ah they show me a whisper

Always where I look

How to escape this place

I feel helpless like some damsel and I hate it

I don’t want to be saved

I want to save people

I can’t imagine a person that could possibly need me

Not like I need them

I wish I could envision myself a future

So afraid to have expectations

All my expectations up until now

Have been broken

I wonder if there is a way for me to imagine happiness without taking it away from someone else?

Already with so little I have more than most people

The scope between most and least

Isn’t it presumptuous of me to think of the things I want and me having them?

No, my heart is back at his side

Ever the betrayer

There is nothing left to say

And yet it yearns to say so much

No matter how I tell it we’ve done our best and to let it rest

Oh off it goes

To his side

I suppose

There’s no where else for it to go

I don’t know why it feels at home there

I’m not going to pretend that someone who will never look my way is somehow

Anything like one

We meet again Sol

Right in my face

I keep running

Like I’ve got something to run to

But he’s firmly behind me

Regardless of hearts

Hearts don’t always get what makes sense to them

Hearts don’t always get love and understanding

I’m not sure what I’ve been doing

Rather I don’t know my own motives

I wish I did

The reasoning

Doesn’t make sense

Even though the story continues

Even though it’s over

Never even started

Remember when I saw the future and mine was the only one that didn’t come true?

Tomorrow’s coming anyways

Can’t you stop telling me to do something I used to do and stopped because being disappointed hurt too much?

Believing leads to disappointment

Is there really a future where I’m not alone somewhere?

Really

Depending on a stranger to show you kindness

Foolish me

I wouldn’t expect such a thing from anyone again though

If I could I would withdraw my kindness

But as it happens to flow

Maybe someone else can see a future for me

There is nothing wrong with needing love

If I say it enough times

Will it become true for me

Lately

I find spiders crawling on me

When they realise I have seen them they always seem so scared

But this one

They perched themself on the tip of my finger and made themself big

So big and scary

I said to them

I recognised how it feels when I get angry at these great beasts

They look upon me with hmm

Is there a word?

Deep knowings that I cannot possibly understand

I returned them to the grass as I do all of the tiny bugs that end up being on me

If they had arms would they reach out to me the same way?

Like in those moments the Wind is gently holding me in place

Or when the Sun touches my face as I notice him

Yes for a moment it feels like you’re being made fun of

Like they could do something

Maybe my journey to the grass is longer

The Wind touches my face in that moment

Perched on this great being

Puffing my self up and yelling at them

Watching me with that look

The spider probably felt that frustration

The journey probably felt long for them

But when I return them to the grass

I’m also returning them to the unknown

That’s what it feels like

Like I could be going anywhere

I also felt a deep affection and want to protect that spider

Small and helpless

In my realm

So I tripped into

Rather propelled myself into

Some moment where I’m in their hands

All I can do is wait

But in the grand scheme of things, even though I know more than that spider, I know nothing

What do you all know and not know?

Trying to interpret the languages of beings I can hardly comprehend

But the encouragement

It’s there even when I spurn it

I’m sure it’s not just for me

I’m not the only spider in their hands

The wind is gentle tonight

Gentle being better

My beautiful lights

It’s easy for people on top to claim to be giants

But I really am just a space

In space

This song

Goes perfectly with the wind

I do so much prefer it when you’re not trying to blow me away

It has begun to lose its colour

This something I’ve had going

These stars that have shown me the light

But, even colourless?

It was something I tried my hardest at

I will continue to paint words

They pour out at this point

Begging to be written

I would ask, to what end?

But being

They just want to be too

Maybe someone will finally see my heart

Why is he you? And not him?

Well, fine

No, I

I want to be among these billion billion stars

If you want to so bad, then show up

It’s only you I haven’t laid eyes on

Even just as a passerby

As is your fashion

And then I remember how fucked up you are and wonder if I’ve seen you many times

The wind is in sync with the music

This strangeness

Desperately trying to play that song

If crazy equals genius

Well then I’m concerned for everyone

Because I’m clearly concealing some great intelligence I don’t know

Stuck between you two

Maybe you’re just my spirits

It’s hard to consider I’d be part of any great thing

On how many worlds do winds crash?

If you are oxygen

Why do you need me?

I can’t know Love if I never see love

But when I look up at the stars that hold me here

I feel like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be

And that kind of terrifies me

Because that means I’ve been waiting for something

And I am trying to believe it’s actually something

Can you hear me?

You