Elucidating Questions

I’m not doing great

As in there’s not doing great and then there’s me

I can’t seem to will myself to wake up in the mornings

Make my coffee

Make breakfast

It’s like it’s so monumental a task I can’t even envision me doing it

If there is coffee I will drink it

If there’s food I will eat it

But the task of making those things

I feel like I’m barely conscious even now

I had to stand in the Sun and have him hold me together for a moment

Remind me I’m here

That this reality isn’t just some inbetween spot

Dreams on either side

I do more in my dreams than I can even dream of in real life

If anything I’m living in my dreams and my days are just time to kill

Yes I do feel the Wind in my face

Just

Everything here is so detached

Nothing real

Nothing

But my dreams I live in

See people

Do things

Real life feels like the dream

Sure enough the only way to save me is for daylight to mean something

But that’s unlikely to happen

When I disappear

Because I was left alone for so long

I wonder if I’ll just be dreaming forever

The sleeping beauty who wasn’t a beauty and never woke up again

Maybe it would be kinder to have dementia

Than to continue living like this

Two months

Well it’s a stretch of time

Did you ever do anything to be in someone’s world?

Now I’m just struggling with my own

Can’t tell if there’s something wrong with me

Or if I’m just depressed

Haha being depressed would also be something wrong with me

I always forget that

That depressed is not a state of being for some people

I sat with just enough of me peeking out so you can know I know you exist

The Sooke Potholes are on fire

Yet another disaster the humans are to blame for

The province is on fire again

If I could become the rains

If I could summon them

Sometimes I feel like I wake in a different universe every day

Subtle changes

Maybe I’m searching for the one where he notices me

Maybe I’m searching for the one where anyone does

I wish I could be like a solitary creature

Just fight anyone who comes across me

Not constantly pouring love out into nothing

Is it a desperate ploy to get love back?

I don’t know anymore

It’s not working if that’s what it is

I feel sick and drained

Begging to wake up tomorrow feeling like

Even close to feeling my normal

Hey you

What do you think I did this time?

Merely existing is taking so much effort right now

I’m pulling myself along the ground by my arms

Watching as they all disappear over the horizon

When I feel like this there’s always a little fear

That this will be the time my body finally gives in

I find myself wondering if death is more painful than life

Living the surviving part of life

Not the living

And then I feel like this and I just

Feel hopeless

Trapped in this body that demands I do nothing

Doing nothing makes it worse

Doing too much makes it worse

Doing exactly the amount I can that doesn’t make it worse?

I haven’t found that yet

It definitely wasn’t fair that my temporary abledness ended at 20

Same could be said for any number of people though

Still kicking

Help me figure out a way to exist with minimal pain

How am I supposed to afford all these medical treatments?

Currently there’s nothing more terrifying than my bank account

Because I keep missing work

People must think I enjoy missing work at this point

I just want to exist without so much pain

I don’t expect no pain

But less?

Take these aches

These hurts

Make them into something else

It’s a struggle

To keep going when everything in your body says to stop

The more you do the louder it says stop

But it was saying stop before you even got started

If I could will myself better

Don’t you think I would have done that by now?

I didn’t even drink

I still feel like crap

Missing one of my two days of work because I still can’t kick this Lowndes

And everything hurts

And joys feel like they’re being experienced through styrofoam

At least I know I still have the ability to make shit do what I want even if it says no

Consent is important for biologically living things

Sometimes electronics just need convincing

Give me an instruction manual and I can do just about anything

I wish humans came with one

Something to explain how to care for them properly

Something to tell me how to help them feel loved

Something to tell me how to not scare them away

No one wants to hear about the cool stuff I did today

And I didn’t really want to write anything, but I’m trying to get to 60 days straight and maybe then

Maybe I can leave the forest of creation

I want to give up

Because I reach these milestones and nothing is any different

I’m still the same person I was

I’ve taken a bit of a vacation

I haven’t had any face to face contact with people beyond my landlord and his girlfriend since a week ago

It’s not great

Not what I want

I wanted to go to work today

It’s so hard to convince this body to keep going

Like it knows as well as I do that there’s no celebration coming

No reward for the hard work

And obviously not everything needs to come with a reward

But some things

It would just be nice

Can’t say my body would be any more cooperative

I feel like I’m made of lead right now

Is there something in me that knows I can do this?

It’s hard to come up against people who don’t recognise that just because I’m not functioning normally doesn’t mean I’m not working my hardest

There have been a million hurdles

I’ve done fairly well

When you become disabled the world tries to shut you out

Makes sure that even trying to seek the minimal support is an uphill battle

Complete with mudslides

I didn’t have enough energy to be working the almost full time job I was working and out together an application for disablity income

But I did it

Being on disability income isn’t much of a prize though

I feel like I’m just being kept alive

When I lose this house it’s all over

I don’t know what I can do to make ends start meeting

And still maintain my sanity

This is a strange place

It still keeps sending me to him

Oh yah that random vape store you started ordering from online is in his favourite neighbourhood

I keep trying to explain that it can make me think of him as often as it likes that doesn’t change anything

It’s not like he has anything to make him who doesn’t know I exist think of me

Your pushing just makes me feel more alone

In this place where I’m always in the same place

Hermes I didn’t know you could throw a party for 24 hours

At least I’m surrounded by something

This space around me where the wind blows wild

It’s still comparably better than the nothing I am so terrified of

Even if I’m in so much pain

Even if the Universe insists upon the impossible

To think there was a point I believed in you so much I thought you’d come running

That anyone would

Stormy, this eve

A thousand evenings

All different colours

Nothing’s ever enough

Desperate am I to keep myself entertained

Lest the silence creep in

The wind is howling

I hold my breath to see Venus

Tomorrow?

The next day?

I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle both of you at once

My heart is so with the bassline

Is there something else on this Earth for me?

Something besides things?

Collect and collect

Of course I know it won’t fill the void

This void of socialisation

If I spend absolutely all my time on Discord

I can trick my brain into thinking it had socialisation

Or I can trick myself into making my brain accept it as socialisation

Whichever

So insistent

But you’re still hanging around my legs

A game then?

A game of dancing

Wild through the trees

If only I could join you

Become the wind with you

I want to be so many things

I’m always brave

Or is it foolish?

道化師の仮面

I face into uncertainty and feel no fear

But possibility paralyses me

Maybe it’s more like the things I should be afraid of I’ve become numb to

I should be afraid

Instead I just make some more stupid choices

Maybe I’m doing these things because I need the thrill

Cast aside my doubts? Fears? Sanity?

Who could possibly take me now?

Hell, I’m more than any normal person could handle

Hand my fate to the Universe

Save me now!

Jump

You’ll catch me right?

All the times I’ve been stupid

I’m doing my best here

Yes, always

It’s fun to reach out into the expanse and never reach the edge

I feel your heartbeat in music

Pull your strings my friend

So much more than I will ever understand

Yes, from the Earth, up and out

And then land and cast a gaze

Now, now,

Don’t ramp me up

Imagine if I met you

I am only ever at your service apparently

No, he definitely left me here in creationland

If only he knew the depths

It’s always this way though

Fugue-cation

Well, at least I can feel music

Yes, yes, I’m back on Earth

And, yes, besides all you great somethings

I am entirely

That would be such a lie

On my mind

Interloper

Such affection for nothing

It’s a part you portray so I had to know the real person

Desperately

Foolishly

There are shields I will never know

If I could will it

It can’t be chance if I force it

But possibility is terrifying

Waiting for something that may happen

I don’t know what I’m waiting for

That’s the problem

I don’t even know if it’s in my stars

If I could see you I’d tell you

All those nights I was alone and you were my only friend

I’d tell you all those moments I felt so low and you took my hand and helped me back up

I’d tell you of a homesick and scared young person reaching back for home and finding you

I’d tell you I thought you were a complete prat

But when you made fun of yourself I didn’t anymore

I’d tell you some of your lyrics I can’t listen to anymore because time has soured them

The meanings these things have for me now

I’m just the blurry person in the background

I don’t have any spark

I don’t burn bright like all the people that surround you

But I believe in you

I don’t know what that means

Because it’s not like you need believing in

You’re the Sun coming out

The days seem so colourless here

A dash of colour

I’m frustrated with myself for this

Ashamed

Who does this?

Me, apparently

I’m not your average person

That’s probably why I’m alone

But I firmly believe whatever you put forth next will be just as brilliant as before

You have this technical grasp of music that I could never

So caught up in its magic am I

I don’t bring anything

Background character in everyone’s stories

I just wanted to shine

Just a bit

For you