Elucidating Questions

My sister dying changed me

But it wasn’t a good change

It made me even less likely to trust

It isolated me further

It made me look so far forward

How I wanted those memories

And then made me want to never see those days without her

I am softer

Bursting into tears because a customer’s husband died was a first

It’s so hard to believe that I could be softer

You’d think things would harden me

Here I am

Worse for wear again

I feel like more of a burden now than ever

I wish I didn’t feel so alone

I don’t even expect anyone to come

Just make me not feel alone

Without her I have to sit through Christmas with my other sister

Who hates me

And everything I say

But I can’t not go, because I have to be there for my mum

I have to do that for her, now, more than ever

And now there’s no chance of going to the beach together

If I wasn’t here I wouldn’t have seen this hawk

He’d be telling me I’m being stupid

Get back up like always

It’s beautiful

I’d like to say that if you were alive I’d tell you but I didn’t talk to you much

None of my siblings are very communicative

They’re crying from up there

I wonder what they’re saying

I wish I could understand all things

Maybe they’re young

It would be nice if in understanding all things, things could all understand me too though

Chronically misunderstood

I miss you Mel

I don’t know what I was supposed to take from your loss

Besides loss

I wish I never had to say goodbye to anyone to anything other than old age

I lost so much when you died

That’s a setting Sun

Brilliantly pink sky

Suddenly the dog wants pets

These two fleeting things

I picked the dog

Sorry Sun

He’s not my dog and I’m literally just taking pity on him

But he’s been inside since 15 hours ago

Because his owner doesn’t take him into consideration

Before working overtime

Or something

Poor thing was crying so I let him out

He’s not my dog, but he’s a living creature so I do what I can

Petting him for a bit is fine

Rest in peace sunset

It was very pretty

But dog

That’s me

Risking my already pissed off cop landlord having forgotten that he gave me permission to let his dog out sometimes

Poor boy is crying again now

Well, he’ll be home soon I assume

He has to know the poor thing hasn’t eaten since he left

Come steal him I won’t tell

Just kidding

But he wouldn’t be crying right now

I wish I had more power

To actually do good for those around me

All this effort

Foolish dreamings

Talking like we know eachother

Just skipping past the whole mess

It’s about time

But that would assume it

And we can’t do that either

Assuming nothing

I have nothing

When I think about first words

It’s always with strain

Never the ease my dreams lead me on with

And that’s imagining too much

I wish we could be equals and I’d stand before you with nothing to possibly want but connection

If it was as easy as it is in anime it would be done by now

Something would have come from it

Faerytales and happy endings elude me

A crazy fever dream

I can respect the goal

It was too lofty to be attainable

What would happen?

If you just took the chance?

With nothing to offer

Offerings refused

Do I exist?

I like that I have my morning ritual

My sacred morning vape session

I like that I feed the piggies their breakfast and then sit down for a bit to recover from waking up and then get up and feed them second breakfast in the course of getting my own

I like letting Pan out for the day

He’s always so excited

But everything that follows

The endless hours

Sit, kill time for an hour, get up, vape, sit

Repeat

I just want to go somewhere and do something

But alone and on the fly I cannot do anything

I like guitar, and violin, and piano

And I fill my life with as much music as possible

It can only do so much in the stretches of time

Long, broken up by dreams that betray reality

There’s about a thousand reasons why I shouldn’t have made it this far

And I feel like I’m just crossing some endless desert

No end in sight

Take the path less traveled by they said

I should stop listening to they.

Someday does the path ever lead to anything?

It’s so jarring, being an adult

Besides life experience I don’t feel any different than I did in my late teens

But there it is

The 2000s are 20 years ago

And I just think yup I’m an adult

But it doesn’t seem to mean anything

Besides living entirely alone

Being able to do things without judgement

What is the point of the classification?

I’m no more capable

I’m only more adult because shit keeps happening to me

29 year old me didn’t need to learn what it’s like to be smothered any more than 18 year old me

The number of strange men I’ve slept near

But it was one who said he loved me

Still this strange blessedness

I’m here aren’t?

Raven

Yup I’m here

In the same place I was

But here

I would like to find my balance

I don’t need excess

Just relative comfort

15 years later

Still haven’t found one thing

I can’t believe I’ve been stuck for so long

I just need a boost

Maybe a rocket attached to my waist

How many of me will there be before one of us finds

Someone to love?

Someone I can love

Adult

Mostly solitary

Mostly drowning

Mostly crying all alone

That’s what adult means to me

I expected flying cars not 72 genders

Like fuck

Sorry my gender insults you?

But me being non-binary didn’t prevent the advent of flying fucking cars

Sorry 2024 sucks

But my gender didn’t pass hundreds of laws making corporate greed not only allowed but encouraged

Me being non-binary didn’t create inflation

Hell, I’m gonna bet? Not one single non-binary person is directly involved in anything that is harming the Earth as badly as the top 20 families of cis people

Whatever

Unfriended I guess

I wanted to support you through both of our drug recoveries but that’s just not welcome in my sphere

Show me where the genders actually did anything

This isn’t the first time from this person and I protested last time

I just don’t advocate for myself

Don’t demand respect from the disrespectful

I don’t know what people expect

I’m non-binary

I may not stand up for myself but I will quietly excuse myself

It was nice knowing you I guess

I don’t burn bridges

I cross them and others burn them for me

Just an acquaintance anyways

Friends on Facebook doesn’t mean friends

I love that humans can think so freely

I hate that they freely choose to punch at other groups of people

We are groups but we are also just all people

I thought that by 2024 rapists would be considered as heinous as they are

And most rapists are men

And yet I don’t share things about how terrible all men are

How terrifying

Yet here non-binary people are literally existing

That’s all I was doing this morning was existing

Bam, right hook

Fuck those genders

My existence didn’t negate the existence of anything else

Sorry I disgust you

I can’t be anything other than what I am

And I would rather have a circle less one acquaintance

Than have to brace myself every time I see your name come across my dash