Elucidating Questions

If this is the beginning

What was the first half of my life for?

Like here I have been

Waiting for a chance

How am I supposed to get it right if I don’t know what I’m supposed to do?

No wonder it distorts

If this is the beginning explain it to 33 years of me why they had to struggle

If it gets better

I have to explain to all those me’s that they were just on standby

At that point an afterthought

And how can you say something like “it just wasn’t time yet”

What right does fate have to hold me like this?

Empty in this space?

Alone and desperate

I do terrible things when I’m desperate

You could say Don’t we all

But I don’t get excuses

And, yeah, I burn down

Plunged into the deep

But I get back up

Kind of

With a limp

Tis but a flesh wound

傷だらけ姿で

It’s just all I am

Yes I know you’re there

Oh hot ball

I don’t think anyone’s going to be saving me

As much as I wish they would

So, all I hear is

The want to escape

While I am trapped in this life

Don’t I just wish

To be put back together?

What’s left of the dream?

How I wanted to see you

And I am a fool for thinking so

Because what I wanted to see is not a person

But an ideal

If I was any good at this

Something would have happened by now

No?

Where am I on the chart?

Am I on it at all?

How can things be so grey when I can see the colours?

If you’d take a dare

Heh nope that never worked either

Will I ever feel alive again?

I haven’t felt alive in so long

I thought it was being forced out of me

But I can turn it off

Curious

Music buzzy energy whatsit

Turn offable

Not that I’d want to

When it feels like it’s coming from me

What it is I couldn’t tell you

These mysteries

Maybe you couldn’t handle it

Maybe my inner world is too vast for anyone to handle

I wish they would

Someone

Help me make sense of it all

I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing

If I don’t know how am I supposed to do it right?

Yes

Ever the empty seat

Thank you for filling it from time to time spirit

I wonder if I’ll ever see the Wolf again

I miss him

I miss everyone I used to know and now don’t

One way or another

And even some I’ll never know and never did

It’s so easy to miss people you’ve never met

See

I don’t know

It can’t be the beginning

It’s already halfway over

Isn’t it?

Too many people put “let’s go”

In their song

Like we get it

You’re pretending the audience is included

Can you leave it for the concert please?

I know I’m alone singing with no one else

It’s so dangerous to listen to what the radio has to say

Fall in love it says

Never again

I will never trust anyone with my heart

It’s a pointless suggestion

Like jump off a bridge

I’m more likely to jump

Than to fall in love ever again

Maybe if I’d just waited

How very unlike me that would have been

Unseen

Invisible

No.

I refuse to pursue

I refuse to chase

I refuse to do anything

Like hell I’m going to put myself up to be assaulted again

Because apparently attempting to smother someone is just assault

Nope

Never again

I’m not going to go looking

I’m not going to “put myself out there”

It’s pointless

They wouldn’t really want me anyways

Once they realise the depth of the illness

Sooner or later I’ll be mocked again by the same lips that said I love you

I would have to be stupid

I’ve asked any number of people out in my life

And every one said no except him

What am I supposed to get from that?

I’m only worthy of being abused

And I won’t let that happen again

If all this world gives me is hell

I choose to just suffer by myself

I say choose but it’s not like there is anyone

There is no one

No friends

No love

Just nothing

I honestly don’t know what I’m living for

But I’d have to go through pain to die

And I don’t want anymore pain

So I’m stuck

Then had a ménage à trois

Sorry they keep blacking that line out on the radio it’s driving me nuts

I hate censorship

Fuck fucking censorship

I saw three shooting stars last night

Three keeps knocking

And I keep telling it we already tried this

Whatever it was meant to be, it is not

It can’t be

Not without his permission

よろしく

I hope I can turn yesterday’s tears into strength

And the day before

Not knowing what it is I was supposed to be doing here

Because it feels like the Universe says one thing and the universe says another

It’s hard to maintain motivation

Even bringing the word to mind was a struggle

Every day is the same

I wake up and do the same things

Either do nothing but entertain myself all day

Work

Or appointments

I still return to the same place

I still go to bed alone

I still don’t see a soul

Or if I do it’s for five minutes

Or it’s my step dad who barely talks to me

Never a companion

I wonder what it’s like?

Being loved

Seeing people

Face to face

I’ve been isolated for so long that crowds scare me more than ever

What’s it like to be the focus of one?

There’s always an empty chair

Even if I fill it with crap

There’s still no one sitting there

I see so many possibilities

And yet not one has been for me

Not one

And you want me to work

For what?

What is all this building to exactly?

It’s probably a joke at my expense

Like haha oh look your life is a Linkin Park song

I don’t have any 頑張る気

None

Please can you just let me love someone who isn’t going to try to kill me?

Why is that too much to ask?

It doesn’t have to be the one

The one was so far beyond my reach it wasn’t even funny

Unless you’re a cruel nasty person

I don’t know who to blame for this

Blame my own body for being susceptible to being sick in the first place

We all have choices

Except when we don’t

I don’t believe there’s much more to go

I’m seriously running out

That was a beautiful shooting star

一堂だけ

会いたかったって思ってた瞬間に

不思議だよね？

I don’t want to do this anymore

Feeding myself to maintain this existence

Being awake to see in realtime how alone and unwanted I am

I want to exist somewhere else

And if you won’t give me that

Give me enough drugs so I can fry my brain beyond comprehension

I don’t even want anything to do with the reason this whole thing is here anymore

I don’t really want him

I don’t even know if I like him anymore

I don’t want to sit here pining over some unattainable idea

I don’t want to live this life anymore

I don’t want to put effort into living it

I don’t want to go to work to make the measly pennies I do

Just to not make enough

Just to have to beg for it from someone else

Here mum have all the power over me and you can just watch while I suffer and send me hug emojis

Yeah that’s what I wanted my life to be like

Someone tell me what’s the point?

Every tomorrow is the same

I’m still here

Still stuck, unmoving, while everyone else is gone so far ahead

Just give me drugs

Just let me have enough money and a way to get drugs

I’ll send myself to oblivion so I never have to think about this hellscape again

Oh no your sister died from drugs

Yeah it should have been me

It should have been me

I don’t want to prolong this life anymore

It’s not even a life

I may as well have died when I was a teenager

Saved myself all this suffering

I don’t want to do it anymore

Call me when someone worth living for calls me

There is nothing here for me in this wasteland

I don’t want to do this anymore

I still don’t know why they told me that

We don’t live there anymore

It was so clear

And then it was about him

And I don’t know why

Why did you feel the need to inform me about him?

I thought they were all as aware as me

These things I know

I can’t think of a reason

I can’t understand why I needed to know that

And I can’t prove it

Maddening

You all seem to push me towards him

Why did I need to know that?

Here’s me not trying to stalk someone and they powers that be are like

Here’s some information

So much that I never really know what any of it means until it reaches me

These mysteries

I don’t know why I thought it would be easier to figure them out together

In the end I’m stuck here trying to figure them out anyways despite any effort on my part

Beauty and the Beast where the beauty never pays the beast any mind because beasts are ugly

I want to call him a coward

But there’s nothing I could really bring

Being nothing

A person isn’t a coward for ignoring a wrapper on the side of the street

I don’t know why you continue this

This telling me things

I’m not even crazy right now I’m just depressed as fuck

I wish you’d leave me be

Let me forget about him until I want to think about him again

If only he could see it

I’d tell him I don’t understand it

I’d tell him I don’t know why

Maybe we were supposed to meet

I don’t know

I still don’t know

I wasn’t very productive today

Nor interactive

Tried to make coffee

Succeeded

But then passed out for over an hour so it was cold

And that’s just my life now

Can’t put together anything without paying for it

Never getting to enjoy things when they’re hot

This life

As I pulled myself through my tears earlier

People say life’s not fair

But my life is so unfair it’s got to be worth trying to fix

Right?

How many more are like me?

I wish I could live in a dorm or something

One with big rooms

At least I’d get meals

The only way for me to live comfortably it to eliminate rent

Or for an extra $1000 to suddenly exist every month

$200

God

The federal government must think we’re all stupid

It’s too much

This life is too much

I had so much fight in me

And I still have some fight it’s just harder to pull out from all the other things I have going on

It’s also unfair that my only possible way out is to meet a financially stable significant other who would be willing to take on me

I never wanted to be any type of weak person in any distress

I wanted to stand on my own two feet

And now I just feel like that’s never going to happen

I want to find arms to fall into that stand on an equal level as me

I don’t want to be indebted to someone for my care

I hate imbalance

Why else would I have been so stupid about all of this?

I don’t want to live on this planet under the care of someone else

I don’t want to give someone that much power over me

I search for equality

I find none

I’d say I wish they’d all become poor like me but most of them will so it’s be a wasted wish

I wish I lived in a world where I could stand on my own two feet

I don’t know what tomorrow holds but if it’s anything like today I’ll just sleep it away

I just don’t have the will to continue