Elucidating Questions

Just publish a book of poetry she said

To do that my poems would have to be worth something

All this nothingness that I am

No substance

Stringing words together hoping there’s a meaning

If it was any good, wouldn’t more people read it?

How am I supposed to convince people that my crap is worth throwing money at?

Laughter

See you’d say it’s not timed

Just someone somewhere laughing

But doesn’t the universe just time them to exact moment it punches me down further?

More laughter

You’re only proving my point

Why does everything

It’s so well timed

It’s not about me

Except it’s all about me

I’m sure that would go well

Me putting enough effort into making an entire book and then publishing it

Things just go so well for me

All the time

Can’t be more done than I am

Done trying

See what trying got me?

7 years in January, and it might as well be from November because that’s when the isolation started

Isolation like I’ve never known before

Poverty

The unending humiliation of begging for money from people because I can’t afford some thing I need

I’m going to run out of heart medication on Wednesday

I have no way of getting more because, besides not having enough for this month’s, I didn’t have enough for last month’s and told them I’d pay them in a week

And then blissfully forgot until it was too late

So now I owe 2 months of heart medication

So that’s a funny joke

Goes off heart medication

No positive for this week

When they call me tomorrow to come get the tama I ordered

I get to tell them I’m not going to be picking it up

The second time in two years that I have had to do that with something I was really looking forward to

God

The repetition is maddening

First it was the fucking hospital yay look at me it’s been a year since I went to the hospital better go

Now you’re just rubbing it in my face

Groundhog day except it’s a year

With just the tiniest changes

I can’t see anyone but the most fucked up person enjoying this

Enjoying watching the tatters of my life

Shredding in the wind

I saw myself as someone for a very short time

I don’t know how I got here

I wish people realised how much of a miracle me waking up in the morning is

How much I want to just stop

There is no hope here

Hope is that moment I catch myself imagining it better

I tell myself to stop wasting time

There’s nothing here for me but despair

And yet I continue

And I don’t want applause

Just someone else to acknowledge that my being here is not guaranteed

That I’m fighting

A losing battle

Like someone be happy to see me

Something show me that not going back to sleep this morning was the right decision

Got myself all pumped for this tamagotchi

Now I can’t afford it

This is why we don’t get excited about things

Nothing ever works out

I was so looking forward to it

I tried so hard to have enough and then depression fucking struck

It’s never enough

I can work until I’m dead inside and it’s still not enough

Just one more thing taken from my reach

How dare I want something?

Nothing comes

The saying is supposed to be nothing comes easy but nothing fucking comes when I work hard either

And I hate you so much

Because right now you’re living your perfect little life and feeling all sorry for yourself

I didn’t even want a friend just something to prolong my suffering again

You didn’t even have to bring me something living

But, no,

$5

I’m $5 short

It’s like the universe is fucking laughing at me in stereo right now

It was the same with that game I wanted so badly for my birthday last year

And I tried so hard to have enough and didn’t

And the universe laughed at me then too

I’m sure this will all be very entertaining for someone to consume

My tears of frustration and pain

I never want anything

And when I do it makes sure not to happen

Just one more chance for enjoyment down the drain

I should just record myself crying all the time and post it somewhere

If you want me to shut the fuck up drop $2 in my PayPal

Definitely got scammed today

Desperately trying to come up with enough

It must have been funny to watch

I hope you all enjoyed this segment of The Desperate Rose Fucking Tries for No Reason

I’d say surely 3000 poems is worth something

You’d think, by now,

That made me laugh and then immediately start crying again

Imagine me being worth something

I don’t want you to fix it

I want to be allowed to imagine myself with money to people without them thinking I want it from them

People are allowed to imagine going on vacation, or eating something delicious, or going somewhere without the other person thinking they have to provide it

Even if $200 isn’t going to show up

Even if I’m not going to have anything to keep myself entertained

Even if I spend the next week sleeping through life because it’s too much and I’m past done

Just let me imagine for a moment that things went right and something good happened and I would be content

Just imagine it

Let me pretend this life is far kinder for a moment

That one of the thousand envelopes demanding money I owe would actually be money for me

Instead

I’m probably about to be scammed

I clicked some random link on Google for “remote work”

It’s all in WhatsApp

I’m so desperate I don’t care

I’ll try anything

Oh well

Wouldn’t it be lovely if money happened?

I won’t imagine it in front of anyone anymore

I’m being ignored on two fronts because of it

In my defense, I was left unsupervised

Yeah I was left unsupervised for 7 years

Devices and things

It’s so hard when no one seems to really grasp it

It makes me want people to experience it

Such an awful thing

To be unheard so completely

It always feels like they’re minimising it

Why doesn’t someone just admit this is an impossible situation?

Ployed me awake today, you did

Woke me up too early

Had me talk to the landlord’s girlfriend for a bit

She’s so nice

And he’s so closed off and brusk

I want to get to know her but feel like he wants to keep me several arms’ length away

I feel blocked off from it

Someone manifest me a receptionist job

I have tried so hard

I think back to those nights I would cry

Feeling so alone

I didn’t know the meaning

It’s amazing that someone surrounded by people can feel lonely

When they have no idea the depths

You get used to the pressure

But it still seeps into my bones

I was human long ago

Now I’m a wild thing

With my own language

呪を越える

How do I do it though?

You’ll never tell me, will you?

I haven’t spoken at length with anyone and been a participant in the conversation

Probably since the last time I spoke to my landlord’s girlfriend about a month ago

I feel so trapped here

I want so desperately to get out of this hell

Should I bother to stay alive for it?

Hummingbird

So, yes?

It’s always yes

It’s never time

But it’s always yes

Dragging me through life

What stupid reason should I have today to live, yet prolonging my suffering?

Yeah I’m sure there’s some revelation that I really have to hear

I wish there was more of me left

But I dreamed

And I whispered in his ear Thank you, I love you so much, I’m sorry

And if it’s not real?

So what I’ll just conjure up another dream of a different scenario and that will carry me to the next

Waking isn’t for NPCs

No, ceasing to exist unless doing a job is what NPCs do

And yes this will be the first thing I’ve had to eat in 30 hours

Ah well

Again eating is for people who aren’t NPCs

A side character, and a bad one at that

I wish I had more options than die or prolong my hell

I fantasized about being kicked out of my house and just going

Like maybe being homeless would be a better life than this after all

At least I’d die sooner

I wonder how many people walk this road?

I snicker

Once again bringing to mind lyrics from a person who couldn’t possibly understand lonely

There is only me

And I can’t stand me

Drop me an answer other than

Yes

What for? Why?

I think it was my little girl

The hummingbird that just came up and hovered two feet away

I’ve never seen one up so close before

I could see her little eyes!

She was so cute

The type of cute that continues to stab you in the heart as you walk away

Ah!

Like that adorable Chinese girl with the medal next to the Italians

Good pain

The oh it’s so cute that I can’t keep looking at it but I stopped looking and my brain is like remember how cute that was? I’m going to die from cute.

Another bee friend thought I was a flower

The hummingbird came up very deliberately

But she also has bird eyes so I assume she knew I was here

And she let me say Hi before zooming off

That little buzzing noise they make

Their vocals sound like they’re just a little pissed off all the time

Her little chirp before she took off

If that happens every day I may just make it

6 little machines last night

One tiny dragon star

There has to be something to do besides sleeping

I wish I could read still

Without getting lost and confused

Was there ever going to be a place for me here?

The wildlife seems to like me

I have conversations with bugs, lizards, birds, deer,

I had a nice conversation with a bus driver yesterday

I just wish I could talk about things I want to talk about instead of always being the passive in the conversation

Yeah, uh huh, okay, yep, cool

Oh, yeah, I’m so stimulated by this

Not

But when I talk people get this glazed look

No matter how not into the conversation I am I always listen

Even if I don’t remember it later, thanks brain

I wish I could 重ねて all the good conversations

All the cool things that I’ve seen

How many people who don’t have a hummingbird feeder get to see one that close?

I’ve seen some cool things

I just wish I could remember

Brain why don’t you remember?