Poetry
This is the general category of fuckery that goes on and on and doesn’t seem interested in stopping.
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Describe your life in an alternate universe.
I’d be doing something right now
Something worth doing
Making music or writing something that actually paid the bills
I’d have met the love of my life at 17 and we’d be happy and queer as fuck together and it’d be great
I’d have a couple friends who came over sometimes and just chilled
I’d have a rescue, and a body that could keep up with rescue
There would be too many animals in my house but it would be fine
Something meaningful in my life
I wouldn’t be feeling nauseous because I haven’t eaten since breakfast and my body tells me it’s hungry by making me ill
No I’d have enough food to have lunch and I wouldn’t be living off of fucking government benefits
There would be enough to go around
Maybe we’d all live in this little community
We’d pool our funds and buy some hundred acres for the farm animals we’d rescued
Maybe we’d all work together
There’s be a we
Instead of it always just being me
Out here for me
Terribly
I’d just hum songs and my love would transform them into masterpieces
Let them know what was stuck in my head
They’d create from it
They’d play guitar and I’d sing
Maybe we’d make a wicked harmony
Wouldn’t need a walker to get around
I’d just stay in our little community and we’d love quietly and happily
Doing as little harm as possible
Cultivating the forests around the land
Bringing life to the world around us
I wouldn’t be sitting here on my last dollar
Yet again
Trying to make my disability pay stretch and my disabled ability stretch farther
If you feel like funding the insanity just drop it in my PayPal
I say flashing a link in desperation for the hundredth time
@magicmage
It’s always magicmage
Not much magic
Maybe there’d be magic in this alternate universe
I don’t feel like the multitude of verses are just the same thing slightly different
But maybe there’d be magic
I’d be so well fed I wouldn’t be having a sugar crash now which is the second phase after feeling nauseous of being hungry
Fuck bodies
Maybe there’s an alternate universe where I’m just an entity cultivating stars in a star nursery
No body
No hunger
Just happily doing whatever cultivating stars entails
No capitalism
No countries
No cities
Maybe I’d be happily cultivating my stars
And little planets would start to form
And I’d be all like wtf?
I wonder if planets were planned
How much is just chaos reigning?
What beautiful things would grow in my little star nursery?
Imagining is fun, sometimes
Even though it just puts me back to where I am
Here I am stuck
I hope there is a me somewhere, formless, free, growing tiny to me but giant to everything else lights
What a beautiful place that would be
No comments on -
My sister dying changed me
But it wasn’t a good change
It made me even less likely to trust
It isolated me further
It made me look so far forward
How I wanted those memories
And then made me want to never see those days without her
I am softer
Bursting into tears because a customer’s husband died was a first
It’s so hard to believe that I could be softer
You’d think things would harden me
Here I am
Worse for wear again
I feel like more of a burden now than ever
I wish I didn’t feel so alone
I don’t even expect anyone to come
Just make me not feel alone
Without her I have to sit through Christmas with my other sister
Who hates me
And everything I say
But I can’t not go, because I have to be there for my mum
I have to do that for her, now, more than ever
And now there’s no chance of going to the beach together
If I wasn’t here I wouldn’t have seen this hawk
He’d be telling me I’m being stupid
Get back up like always
It’s beautiful
I’d like to say that if you were alive I’d tell you but I didn’t talk to you much
None of my siblings are very communicative
They’re crying from up there
I wonder what they’re saying
I wish I could understand all things
Maybe they’re young
It would be nice if in understanding all things, things could all understand me too though
Chronically misunderstood
I miss you Mel
I don’t know what I was supposed to take from your loss
Besides loss
I wish I never had to say goodbye to anyone to anything other than old age
I lost so much when you died
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That’s a setting Sun
Brilliantly pink sky
Suddenly the dog wants pets
These two fleeting things
I picked the dog
Sorry Sun
He’s not my dog and I’m literally just taking pity on him
But he’s been inside since 15 hours ago
Because his owner doesn’t take him into consideration
Before working overtime
Or something
Poor thing was crying so I let him out
He’s not my dog, but he’s a living creature so I do what I can
Petting him for a bit is fine
Rest in peace sunset
It was very pretty
But dog
That’s me
Risking my already pissed off cop landlord having forgotten that he gave me permission to let his dog out sometimes
Poor boy is crying again now
Well, he’ll be home soon I assume
He has to know the poor thing hasn’t eaten since he left
Come steal him I won’t tell
Just kidding
But he wouldn’t be crying right now
I wish I had more power
To actually do good for those around me
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All this effort
Foolish dreamings
Talking like we know eachother
Just skipping past the whole mess
It’s about time
But that would assume it
And we can’t do that either
Assuming nothing
I have nothing
When I think about first words
It’s always with strain
Never the ease my dreams lead me on with
And that’s imagining too much
I wish we could be equals and I’d stand before you with nothing to possibly want but connection
If it was as easy as it is in anime it would be done by now
Something would have come from it
Faerytales and happy endings elude me
A crazy fever dream
I can respect the goal
It was too lofty to be attainable
What would happen?
If you just took the chance?
With nothing to offer
Offerings refused
Do I exist?
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I like that I have my morning ritual
My sacred morning vape session
I like that I feed the piggies their breakfast and then sit down for a bit to recover from waking up and then get up and feed them second breakfast in the course of getting my own
I like letting Pan out for the day
He’s always so excited
But everything that follows
The endless hours
Sit, kill time for an hour, get up, vape, sit
Repeat
I just want to go somewhere and do something
But alone and on the fly I cannot do anything
I like guitar, and violin, and piano
And I fill my life with as much music as possible
It can only do so much in the stretches of time
Long, broken up by dreams that betray reality
There’s about a thousand reasons why I shouldn’t have made it this far
And I feel like I’m just crossing some endless desert
No end in sight
Take the path less traveled by they said
I should stop listening to they.
Someday does the path ever lead to anything?
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It’s so jarring, being an adult
Besides life experience I don’t feel any different than I did in my late teens
But there it is
The 2000s are 20 years ago
And I just think yup I’m an adult
But it doesn’t seem to mean anything
Besides living entirely alone
Being able to do things without judgement
What is the point of the classification?
I’m no more capable
I’m only more adult because shit keeps happening to me
29 year old me didn’t need to learn what it’s like to be smothered any more than 18 year old me
The number of strange men I’ve slept near
But it was one who said he loved me
Still this strange blessedness
I’m here aren’t?
Raven
Yup I’m here
In the same place I was
But here
I would like to find my balance
I don’t need excess
Just relative comfort
15 years later
Still haven’t found one thing
I can’t believe I’ve been stuck for so long
I just need a boost
Maybe a rocket attached to my waist
How many of me will there be before one of us finds
Someone to love?
Someone I can love
Adult
Mostly solitary
Mostly drowning
Mostly crying all alone
That’s what adult means to me
Elucidating Questions 