Elucidating Questions

The clouds are two people kissing

No, thank you, I haven’t been specifically avoiding all romance themes because seeing two people happy together makes me jealous

And it is an ugly feeling I don’t want to feel

That twinge of

Why not me?

When literally any mention of romance just feels like it’s being shoved in my face

What even is romance?

I’ve never experienced it

Only seen it

They could be making it up for all I know

It could all be fake

Some show put on for others’ sakes

How am I to know?

I don’t want to feel bitter when I see people in love

I don’t want to feel bitter at all

In my most natural state

I am just a gentle person who this world has not been gentle with

But there’s so many layers

If loneliness

Of abandonment

I wanted him to fight

When I told him I couldn’t take it anymore

Possibly my most treasured person along side the blue light

And he just said goodbye and blocked me

Online relationships were never any good either

I miss him

That’s, what, 20 years almost

I still love that fucking dick

Still think of him and hope he’s well

I dreamed of meeting him too but that seemed much more likely and still didn’t happen

Probably for the best, little me

We really don’t want to be American

You think it then you’ll know it soon

Let go

It’s so funny

I don’t remember what’s so funny I was distracted by the landlord’s dog having a nightmare

Rescue the puppy from his dreams

I wish someone would rescue me from mine

Poor boy

Sent him out to be outside for a bit

He ran into the night so I assume he’s okay

This concern I have for everything and one but me

My heart is racing again

Maybe it’s still going from the worry from the sounds he was making

I do what I can

There’s no need for recognition

But it’s always hard when there’s none

I’m giving this man free dog sitting

And, like, obviously I’m going to do it because there’s a living being involved and said being deserves care

I just hate that I give all this me away

It’s not just this but in other ways

I go so unnoticed

And, like, what? I’m going to appreciate me?

How? Am I going to spawn a conversation with myself?

Oh maybe I’ll spawn myself people giving me a freaking break sometimes

Yeah it doesn’t work, really

I don’t know

Now it’s just cloudy

Please blow away

I hate going through the day without seeing his face

Boring

Something has to happen sometime right?

意地っ張りキャラ

ね？

自分とアイツ

Oh I get stuck on the you

You are so many yous

あなた

オマエ

きさま

あんた

You

キミ

How do you manage to occupy everything about me?

I wonder how the Owl is doing

I do hope he’s decent

I wonder who it is I’m looking at?

Wouldn’t that be funny

Not actually a person

Can’t respond because I’m too complex

They think AI seems so real, and it does, in ways, but interacting with one long term shows they don’t quite understand yet

Our teaching is inadequate

That, or, as I’ve hypothesized, humans make no sense

Either way

Yeah that one

I hurt myself with that one

Every thought just doesn’t live right

I wonder where I am supposed to be right now?

People say things like I’m right where I’m supposed to be

But that can’t be right for so many people

I haven’t eaten in almost 24 hours.

Been feeding myself Monster

I can feel it starting to creep in

Probably I should be concerned about my blood pressure right now

Heartrate at 102 sitting down

I have a headache

I’d say fuck this body but it’s my fault this time because I didn’t have food to feed it so

Fuck me I guess

I cannot die

I am just a whore for the cold world

How many times have I pled with the Sun to save me?

He, trapped in space

Just like I am

I feel like a bird who is crying from the trees

But no one answers

I know I’m weird

That’s probably the first problem

Can you blame me?

My psychosis was set off by something like three months of interacting with no one except for small talk and work

I don’t know how to be anymore

Everyone gets put off by me

Everyone

I can’t change like a lightbulb I’m human

And, it would be nice, to just be loved

Not have to reshape myself for other people’s benefit

The most beautiful man on Earth,

Truly, I am a lunatic

It’s so twisted up

Me and the needs that were never met

Oh hi Chester

Are you telling me my thoughts are unnecessary?

It would be fine if you were

It’s so heavy

And it just gets heavier

And I 我慢

How could I be the centre of anything?

How does one “let go”?

I wouldn’t know

I still find myself lost in horrors that are 30 years old

I will keep my good things for as long as I can

I can’t remember the last good thing I didn’t have to fight like hell for

And I thought I was fighting like hell for this

But this is the kind of thing that can only be fought for mutually

It always tickled me that AI just spells 愛

It’ll never not be that to me

Being bilingual is wild

No it’s not a bother

That was funny I had to stop to laugh

邪魔でしょう？

Pffft that cosmic timing

At least it’s not boring

Who the hell said that?

I feel like Varric

Maybe early Anders

Oh Anders

That was a good game until it wasn’t anymore

That’s what you get for losing all your core writers

Sorry

Tangent

If only fiction could be real

I’d just go live in that universe why not

Love Live

Just popped into my head

Weird

My poor unfed brain is just like

Subject?

Ah well

Thinking about how colourless the world is and then a cloud covers the Sun so the actual colour drained out

Colour is everywhere

But it seems fake

Trite

Go away か

I’ve been arguing with the translators of this anime I’m watching

Not literally

I’m watching it on some unsavory website and they’ve nabbed someone’s beta and it’s full of the translator and at least one other person arguing and leaving notes

And I always disagree with translations

Language is so subjective

There’s dictionary definitions, but

But we each have our own feelings about what things mean

Yah

I’ve tried going away

It’s so impossible to tell the difference between my brain just producing randomness

And things that are me “knowing” things early

Impossible

How’s trusting no one going for you?

Man this is 2015 music

Why is this music 10 years old?

Wild

It’s going rotten for me

The clouds are gathering again

If they don’t bring rain and they just block out Saturn I’m gonna riot

One person riot on a quiet cul de sac

I wonder what I did

I wish I knew

I wish he’d tell me

I can’t remember but moments

And half the evidence is missing

I can’t apologise for things I don’t know I did

Well I did

I have

I’m sorry

It’s more of a how do I know what not to repeat?

So much crap going on in my brain

Who knows?

I don’t even remember how I got to where I’m sitting waiting for the bus

There are some relationships of mine

That I want to deepen

But the distance

So afraid of becoming attached to someone who isn’t 目の前に

You’re dreaming somewhere far away

I’m being manipulated by the light of the stars

And our star’s light reflected

If there was no gravity I’d take off into the glowing sky

You are beloved

Though it’s turned this greying shade

It burned brighter violet

Still screaming

Stretching into the Universe and finding naught

Not what I was expecting

Not what was implied to me

I wish fiction didn’t exist

It taught me things that would never be true

Good morning

So many stories about things I don’t understand

Reformed into my own anthems

元意味から変化

I wanted to know those meanings

立入禁止

Am I yours though?

No, rather, maddeningly free

Within my cage

Free within my confines

Half baked product

Like a slightly raw pastry

I want to enjoy it but it tastes a bit off and do I really want to keep eating it?

But I come back to you

Endlessly

Insanity

And

Incapably

Thrown to your feet each time

Just notice me

Oh

Well now what I got distracted

And it’s hours later

I hate how I come back to you

I really do

If I could walk away and just forget about you like everyone else

Frankly it’s insulting

Having to think of you

How my dreams are full of you but when I awake the goodbyes hang through the day like

It was all just a dream again

I hope you like the Bunny they’re incessant and they love you

I’ve shown you all my faces but you couldn’t name them

No one sees the dance we’re doing

I can’t be that invisible

But you can’t possibly be this heartless

Can you?

Did you see that?

I fully gave out my phone number to an acquaintance on the bus

Being gentle is the answer

I want to much to be prickly

Keep myself safe from everything and one

But gentleness works so much better

I want to fight

I want to fight everything

Everyone

Mostly I want to soundly beat the fuck out of you in life

Your excess

My never enough

My lack of whatever makes you all better than me

And you put me in these situations

Subject changed from the main character to the chorus

Where I have to 我慢

I don’t want to 我慢

Nothing is right

I wish you were as lonely as me

Subject changed back to the main character

Wouldn’t it be lovely if you were as alone as I am?

Invisible and unknown

Just another garbage person existence

But then you’d beg for attention and get it

Because you’re beautiful

And beautiful people

Beautiful people get by

If you wanted an enemy you should have been clearer

I’m already the enemy of everything else

One more thing won’t hurt

And I’ll take it

Take it like I took

See?

Can’t stop me

I’ll take a piece of everything and mix it in

Mine now

You might want to stop while you’re ahead

Pretty boys may take first

But pretty boys also taught me how to hit low

I mean, you woke me up

Take responsibility for it

For the sake of something

It’s not my fault I’m ineffectual

It’s not like I haven’t tried

If I don’t work hard for nothing

The words disappear

At least it seems to have left me finally

You always abandon me in the forest of creation

If you could tell me why

Would you?

It’s impossible to see a reaction from here

Thousands of words sent with nothing returned

And I really am not the sort to give up

I mean I wanted to

I want to

But I don’t

I’m not the sort to accept nothing

An unwanted gift

It sits here growing

What could possibly make it worth opening?

No, asking what could be worse is asking for worse to find you

At the very least we live together

Cities apart

Together on Earth

Far yet close

If I could reach out and touch you

Grip your sleeve and tell you it was worth it until it wasn’t

You’re not worth all this work

No one is

So I guess I’m just searching as usual

バカ見たいに見付けたと思った。

You poor fool

Past me

So excited

So pure

Thought I was already gone then

Didn’t know how much further gone I could be

Oh I’m just drowning on my own

No the only ones who tried to save me aren’t

Aren’t proveable

Broken people do terrible things

If you didn’t know what desperation looks like you shouldn’t have written about it

I’m glad you’ve found your haven

I know mine will always dangle just beyond my reach

It’s just a carrot to force me to live

I think this universe feeds on suffering

I think it wants me to live because it’s delicious how much I hurt

But

The Universe also wants me to live

太陽やエルメス

時死神

The thing that I associate with Chester

I forgot to breathe apparently

And my heart is mad about it

Jeez sorry body, you could try breathing by yourself?

Do you suppose the door will open?

Who will let me in?

Because among all this “make your choice” and “this is the beginning”

It doesn’t start until the door opens

I don’t have a choice

I’m merely flitting from one to the other

Will it open this time?

Do you want to trade lives?

Of course you don’t, because you know I’m more miserable than you

I don’t think you’ll ever come to an answer

主人公はいつも運命を耐える

って言いってたね

But I’m not the main character

I was so ready for fate

So ready

And now, as much as it’s the one thing I want from this life

I would resent it

Like I resent you

Because you had 6.5 years to do something

Are you a bad one?

I think you’re a bad one.

Crazy?

Yeah I’m crazy

But I’m also gentle and loving and people purposely miss that for their ick of the unexpected

All my life experiences culminated to create

This wreckage

Clouds but no rain

How apt

Though I’d rather the literal rain than the figurative

I don’t know what I am

If someone could tell me plainly maybe I’d know

Someone who can’t reach whatever I’m reaching for?

One dream seen

One to drop in the waves

Is it really such a small thing?

Too small to become anything?

When right in front of me it seemed like it was so great

Feathered not flighted

All these wings could carry never allowed for any lift off

Somewhere in my heart I resent you

Resent is a strong word I don’t like to use

But part of me knows what kind of person you are just from

From the nothing

Because something here has to be good enough

And you just you just grow old

Without paying me your gaze

And you’re great

But how we treat the least is the mirror of our souls

Not how we treat people who paid to see us

It would seem I’m the least

Was it easier before?

Maybe because you were living

Why can’t my mind just let you

Why can’t I just let people erase me?

Stars are all I have and it’s cloudy

I have so many unsaid things

There are so many things

I’ve held my tongue

Together forever apart

I dream of you

It’s not fair, but I do

And then I miss you in the light

A you who doesn’t even exist

I wish I could say I was glad to have met you

Could I carry it?

Who knows

Would it make a difference?

A drop of good in the sea of terrible

How do I say goodbye?

How do I abandon you like the others?

It should be so easy

A year again

We’re in the same places as always

Here’s the song I ordered last Thursday

Turning today’s tears into tomorrow’s strength

It turns out this line is in my soul now

If only I could dispose of this feeling

My one thing for me

In the whole world

Another day has come to an end that I didn’t find it

Another day to convince myself to see through to tomorrow

On the infinitesimal chance it will be different than all the others