Elucidating Questions

I don’t know why I was worrying about someone else

I have enough problems with no answer

Someone to help me answer them?

Someone?

Without being shut out

Relying on people is stupid

We really need to stop doing that

People say things and what they mean is

It would be nice if that happened

Not that it’s going to

Oh and I look the fool again

It’ll be fine

Relying on tomorrow

How foolish could I be?

It’s all just random

Nothing that is said is true

He comes in like a wrecking ball

In that exact dramatic way

I’m going to sleep all weekend because it’s cheaper than being awake

Don’t ever ask me to count on anything again

You’ve asked me enough times

I’m perturbed by all of this

Stop leaking into the conversation this isn’t about you

This is about me feeling let down again

But I’ll never say it out loud

I never say it out loud

I’ve been let down

And now I’m fucked as usual

Some hell to go through

On top of hell

If you’d never started smoking then we wouldn’t have to go through withdrawals from it

Just saying

One more thing to try to keep me sane

One more thing I’ll go insane without

I’m sure it must be so hard to have the love of your life with you at all times

Again, stop leaking in, this isn’t about you

Though maybe it is, you let me down today too

In the same way every day is a let down because of you

If I could go back to that dream and never wake up

Sleep is all that rescues me from this world

Yet it taunts me

How do you do it?

Sound so desperate when you’re not?

Playing the part of sad lover boy

No, it’s just that same song again

Didn’t even make it through it

Just more syrupy yearning stuff

About someone you’re already in a relationship with

You don’t miss anyone

You’re not looking for anyone

Burn, burn, burn

Like fire

How dare you claim emotions you don’t feel?

Silly

He really does hate you

It doesn’t sing

Sorry it doesn’t

Hah, you don’t care

Makes me wonder if it’ll be worth it though

Is it just some summarization of your romance?

Not interested

Oh if only I could disappear before I find out

Don’t you dare bore me

What fire you have

We’re already bored you silly thing

I wish we could go

Find what we’re looking for

Then you’d leave him alone

And they’d leave him alone

Imagine being loved

I can’t

I don’t know what that looks like

Stop asking me to imagine fiction

God stop the coin for a fucking moment

Forgotten

Bored as death

I haven’t breathed in years

I took a breath in and jumped and it turns out there’s no bottom

I have yet to reach it

I guarantee we’ve written better things than that

Maybe you don’t write anymore

Damn repetition

Damn it

It’s so hard to be insignificant

I’m better than you

Did you sense my agitation you strange spirit?

You know how to tame the flames

Bring just the right sound

And I’m angry

But mostly I’m just sad

He could dream of writing something as beautiful as this

It’s hard to feel and be alone all the time

He’s mad because we hurt so fucking much

And you’re pretending

It must be nice to pretend to hurt

Feeling more solid now

Thank you once again Chester

As usual we were blown to pieces and I hadn’t noticed it

Me, the Cat, the Bunny, the grey

So much me stuffed in here

We’re suffering

You’re fine.

It’s fine to ignore me for hours

Hell it’s fine to ignore me for 6 and a half years

Hell, it’s fine to date me, ignore me, block me when I beg for the ignoring to stop

Never talk to me for 15 years

And I will still fucking think well of you

It’s also apparently fine to take off with the bus before a person with a walker sits down

Or is it just because it’s me?

I must have been a horrible person

To deserve being treated like I am

I’ll run to your side when you need me but you’ll leave me unread for hours

Sometimes just read

I hate that Facebook tells you that people are active it makes it that much more obvious when I’m being ignored

I am not guaranteed any time from anyone

And that fact terrifies me

Because so what if it’s a year without seeing anyone?

But 2?

Longer?

It would be merciful to kill me sooner

Then people wouldn’t have to ignore me anymore I’d just be gone

What a relief

No more of this

No more hunger

No more pain

Shouldn’t I be telling you how cruel you are for refusing to come to me?

The door

If it would just let me through

Maybe it’s a false door

Maybe it doesn’t actually open

You think you’ve been low

You haven’t met anything like it yet

Don’t come

Anywhere as low as me

You’d all be dead by now

And I’ll believe that until I’m proven wrong

I’m drowning without you

Whoever you wants to be right now

I don’t think anything is going to cheer me up

Today is just another awful day

Aren’t there supposed to be bad days to break up the good, not the other way around?

Take me home

Please?

If I’m not of this planet and this universe doesn’t want me

What am I doing here?

How am I supposed to shine a light when no one can see it?

I beg you

Change my life

I can’t do it

I’m so trapped

Standing alone

In this life that has no meaning

Calling to someone who

Who part of me hates

That for no reason

Is unattainable

Begging for a message from someone

Please don’t bring me abuse instead

Don’t make me think of him that way

Even though I want it

Growing old

You never know who you wanted it with until someone you were expecting it with is gone

Can you do so gracefully?

Can I?

I’m going to cling to my firey emotions

The things in me that won’t ever grow up

You can take age without it aging you

Time goes on

But it doesn’t have to take away what you have been

Those fires that burn in youth

Who’s it going to be?

Standing on the edge and staying

No matter how I waver

If it could be

It would have been by now

It’s not going to be you

Because it never was previously

It would be nice if there was

Someone on the end of this

I don’t want to lose my mind again

That seems to be all I can maintain

But if I can continue

And just screw the pain anyways

I don’t know if I will get to grow old

But if he could

That would be a win right?

No one really needs me

But people are counting on him

If I get to see it

Great

My being screams

It doesn’t want to go that far

I know

I know it’s hell

I’m sorry

The only one who will comfort me is me

Another 30 years alone?

I’m sure it’s been done

10 years?

5?

I don’t know

It all seems to impossible from where I am

Dragging myself through this hell

I feel nothing

I am nothing

Someone find me

Someone help me save my life

More dreams

I always fall asleep so sure that sleep is the best thing

Then I wake up and I’m not so sure

That cruise ship again

I feel like my mind is the one that won’t let go

Not me

I have wanted for so long for this

This something to just fade away into nothing

I’ve been carrying this for so long

And it’s worthless

Pointless

If I could take command of my destiny

Show him I’m harmless

He’d know if he’d set eyes on the me that everyone else sees

At least I can’t be intimidating anymore

People with walkers rarely are

Especially when all the old people with mobility devices stare at me constantly so I always feel out of place and uncomfortable

Thanks old people

People take one look at me and think it’s because I’m fat

I am not what people see

But I am easier to digest in person

Even if it still puts people off

But I

I’m not a threat

I’m also never willingly going to go anywhere near him

And dreams are just cruel

If I could pretend

Pretend this all never happened

Never see his face

Or any of the billion references throughout my day

I’ve learned to ignore many of them

Still the dreams

If you could only remove yourself from me

I would

I would go live in a world where I’d never heard your name

What bliss

Even were I in this hell I would not also be being tormented by figments

And shards

Oh the love

It boils up so sweetly

All

I love you so much

And then I wake up

Oh, me

It doesn’t matter if I love him so much

I’m a drop in the bucket of love he doesn’t need

Brains games

From my brain

Curse it

Really

All this feeling with nothing for it

What is the point in throwing rocks at a window with millions of others doing the same?

I can’t believe he reminded me of the album

And now I’m like

Sure, I’ll drag my sorry ass a little further

I guess it’s important to mention that love and being in love are not the same

I couldn’t say I’ve ever been in love

I don’t know if it exists

When we meet in my dreams we’re always friends or something

I want to say 仲間

But it won’t translate right

It’s always a slightly different flavour than the meaning

Someone I’ve known for a long time that we just kind of enjoy existing together

Cooperating towards something

Usually the band

It just tastes bitter in daylight

I want to run away from it

It turns from a dream to a nightmare

This wasn’t supposed to be about me forcing my love on to someone who doesn’t want it

The whole psychosis ridden reason was because he was supposedly waiting for someone

Why couldn’t it be me?

Well we know now we’ve remembered what our face looks like and our body

Sorry

A million times I’m sorry

I want to disappear

The Raven says yes

Okay, but how?

I’m just a coward

I will figure it out

I just need to face my fears

I’m sure it’ll be fine

It’s just death, right?

Something I want

Something I never want

Fate

Mine seems like whomever wrote it got bored and just started abusing the character

I used to do that

Maybe this is karma for abusing my characters as a teen

Karma

Is just another excuse to blame the poor for being poor and people who bad things happen to for their own misfortune

If karma existed there would never be a billionaire for more than a few years before their own malice undid them

Nothing is proven

I don’t even believe my own beliefs half the time

I thought there was a guarantee in life

But there are none

I wish I could go back to 2018 and do this over

Though I’d probably just end up killing myself because I wouldn’t have had anyone to hold on to, no matter how stupidly

Curse these dreams

I want to go back

But I also never want to live this life again