Elucidating Questions

So, you, me, what do you need?

I need to be safe

Can I do this in a way you, we, will feel safe?

Arm’s length

Barely touching fingers

I can do that

I told them it’d be terrifying if I found my voice

Did you want to see if I’d use it?

Somehow I’ll keep us safe

For one reason only

Because I want to keep me in the past safe

I don’t know exactly how, but I’ll navigate this mine field for us

You’d better be grateful to present me, past me

No

You didn’t even imagine I’d exist

If you asked me at any given time I’d say today is the last

So many yesterdays that I didn’t want to see end

Because I didn’t want to see tomorrow

No, me, is always unexpected

They don’t know that

They treat me as granted

A lost promise of I’ll always be there

I would tell them all they’re lucky I’m here

But they wouldn’t hear it

How foolish, to believe I’d continue

Are you going to try to spin it as them believing in me?

取り敢えず

You’ve managed to grab me for now

I always want to find somewhere safe

Been searching for so long

For now I’ll keep this tiny light safe

For whatever reason

I can practically feel your satisfaction

It’s so nice when things go as planned, eh?

Silly bean

Won’t you please loan me a human for a bit?

I just think, above all, what younger me wants is companionship

More than anything

It’s what I want

So, while I navigate this minefield

Won’t you please lend me a person?

What am I waiting for?

In this room where you don’t seem to exist

Would you ever forgive my selfishness?

Expecting an answer from the stars

Stood in the same place

Searching the sky for an answer

Could I be in a place without you?

It feels like it

This distance I’ve traveled while standing still

Sending love out hoping you’ll feel it

It hurts that I’ve come this far with no one

It doesn’t make me want to fight harder

一所懸命戦いに来たんだよ

Does the tail end of a dragon star mean keep trying or give up?

Who was I searching for?

Surely not the closed door

That poor kid me

So many expectations

There isn’t a cloud in the sky

It’ll never be paradise if I’m alone

And you seem to want to damn me to my father

Oh and a bat friend

Thanks

The lights are down

Just a piece

I wish I wasn’t going to bed alone

I guess I’ll go ask my planet boyfriend to show up tonight

Breathing is hard

On to the next day I su

He immediately wants to see more of me

I don’t know how to do this

Set boundaries

I don’t want him to be my best friend

I don’t want him to take me places

It’s so strange I was just crying about being alone and now I am screaming

Leave me alone

He scares me

The person I become when I’m around him, scares me

I need guidance

Someone tell me my next move so I don’t have to 苦しむ over it

He knows I see my emails

Oh, help

It was so fucking hard to walk away from him all those times

So fucking hard to say, no, that’s enough

I just do these things

Alone

What is there for me to do here?

Regardless of all the ways he’s hurt me I still don’t want to hurt him

Don’t want to put me through the ebbing away

Waves crashing over me at slower intervals

I don’t know what to do now

I don’t want to be his thing

自由に成りたい

どうしたら良いの？

There’s no such thing as karma

It’s just another excuse for bad behaviour that condemns those suffering in life

If nothing bad is happening to me then I must have good karma

If anything bad is happening to someone else they must have bad karma

It would be nice if the Universe was running checks and balances like that

But, while it’s got its sticky fingers in all manner of things that happen in life,

It’s not out to punish you for things done without thought as a child or things done due to ignorance

In fact, the Universe doesn’t seem to hold anything against us

I’ve said before, it’s love

The universe, however

This chunk of space we live in

With all its control and dehumanization

This universe

It has no love for anyone

Things contained within it do

But this universe will as soon see you left where you fell as it would enable a maniac to amass fortune for no reason other than hoarding

And power

We constructed this universe

As climates exist on Earth we’ve created a climate within this space

Of consumption, and power struggles, modern day and classical slavery, greed

So much so that the love that the Universe has for us is filtered,

A tiny nugget of gold in all that sand

So much so that the love our planet has for creating has been stifled

So much so that they don’t seem to recognise the breadth of what they’re destroying

But in my “awakening” to this space

I’m noticing the difference

The Universe was that crow’s feather I found yesterday

The universe was all my money being held by my bank because “we just do this now”

It’s helpful to know the difference

The Universe is happenstance and those moments that just seem to click

The universe is my job trying to take away my accommodation unless I get a form filled out, and doctors taking months to be seen

They play on eachother

Things are going fine and then all hell breaks loose and shit hits the fan?

universe

When you’ve been struggling so hard with something and then it all just suddenly clicks into place?

Universe

And I’m not saying the Universe doesn’t fuck with shit sometimes

Fucking all knowing fuck with their “in time”s and their “just a bit further”

While giving absolutely nothing away

But when things happen and it seems like there was some plan behind it it’s usually them

And when shit just seems like chaos reigning it’s usually the little u

That’s the only real thing I can believe in

Something I’ve seen with my own eyes

What goes around doesn’t come around

But gods know that the all knowing blob we reside in is probably cooking something up hoping you’ll grow as a person or feel enriched

Because for some reason they believe in living things

Why don’t you have a panic attack at the bank?

Just as a little treat?

Was I both of them at once?

All of us

Exhausted and drawn thin

Cheques suck now, eh?

Do you know that?

It would have been nice to lean on someone today

There’s no one to lean on

I’m still afraid it’s a fake

He’s making it up

He’s not really the type to do that right?

Fear

Anxiety

And it’s okay if you don’t care

I’m going to keep doing as I do

Breathe, me

Time is funny

Time surely has moved on

Yet am I still that scared kid?

Mysterious

I’m 17 again and trying to impress him to keep him off of subjects he might not receive well

What a long day

I need someone

I know you’ve got it in your mind that I’ve been just fine up until now and I’ll keep being fine

But I’m not

Release me from this isolation

But please stop people from openly staring at me it’s rude and I can’t handle it right now

I’m okay

But I’m not

Like I’m going to keep telling myself that I’m okay as some stressed out mantra because I am definitely not okay

Sound good?

I can’t handle anything right now

Trying to convince myself to relax

Just do it

I need a hug that isn’t from him

Someone

Someone please

Someone bring back my desperate despair

I’m okay

I’m just going to lie until it’s true

Everything is okay

Me included

It’s true damn it

They’re screaming

The pair of them

Deafening

Let the music lull you

Funny that the Owl made an immediate appearance

And then gone

I’ll forgive you for a moment if you try to quell the storm in me

Could I have done that in a way that left them anything but wild?

I must remember to breathe

My lungs feel tight

Like they’re screaming through them

I’m okay

At the least, the Sun could have joined me today

I feel tightly wound

So tight I can’t breathe

He is just an old man

Afraid of death

He seems to want to do right by us

But they

They see every face he’s ever had

The lies

The paranoia

Along with the actual paranoia he passed on to me like some sick generational gift from an angry god

I am okay

I just need to breathe

I’m so scared but there’s nothing to scare me

He’s gone

For now

I’m fine, for now

Are you sure it’s from my Uncle and I owe him nothing?

I wish I didn’t have to be alone…