Elucidating Questions

I waited to be good enough, to be worthy of being seen.

Seen only by the sun, the earth, these so called things.

The stars in the sky, the birds in the trees.

The animals that come from the bushes to me.

The animals see me, humans walk past.

There’s nothing coming, no one to help.

Pick yourself back up, get back yourself.

Make mistakes, apologies weren’t good enough.

Would forgive anything, have forgiven everything.

No one affords the same.

Treat others as you would be, occasionally slip because sickness gets me,

Yet never the same, it’s never equal.

Unworthy, not worthy.

Watching as the world moves around me, waiting and waiting and waiting

But no one ever comes.

In a park, at a station, someone will see you

That chance meeting.

Someone else will want you.

No one ever comes.

Reached out, held out that hand, turned away.

It hurt.

As the petals lie on the ground, the trees say goodbye to morning. The sun behind to burn and the leafs are finishing growing,

As the inbetween the month before the month before.

The season of slow waking, as each wakes in its own time, slowly turns into the season of heat and beaches and boys.

As the others go to enjoy their freedom to play how they choose and where.

Bon voyage or いってらしゃい or have a good time.

Watching them all from the farthest away,

Without ever reaching them,

I hope they have fun.

Words around are like sharp barbs and cruel jokes.

Sending back in a direction we’re not allowed to go.

If we’re with who we’re meant to be with, then I’m meant to be entirely alone.

Perhaps he didn’t mean it, but that’s how it goes.

Still in a house that’s not my own, a borrowed room, a temporary placement again.

I wish I knew when it would be alright.

But I’m the only one who doesn’t know when.

No matter how I wonder and wish and hope,

All I ever do is watch them come and go.

The music burning in my soul, in places where I cannot express it, mouth stays closed and spirit suffocating,

I just wish I could sing.

I wish there was somewhere I could sing.

When we were younger, when we were brighter, when the world seemed a bit lighter,

Trust came so easily, we could talk freely with those around us, there were people around us, but now…

Afraid to reach out, afraid to connect, afraid one wrong word will send them away, afraid of goodbye, afraid of the end, afraid they’ll find reasons to hate me again.

Saying hello, or let’s be friends, just means we’ll be abandoned again.

A wish that there would be someone to say to, good morning, merely brought a note that the dolphin is still watching.

Kind enough to spend his personal time trying to acknowledge those who acknowledge him, even then.

I don’t think I can trust anyone, no one has proven I can.

Confident when you’re not quite. Confidential stories that I can never tell.

Pain I cannot describe, love I cannot explain.

Love, I cannot explain.

So desperately clinging to someone who won’t stop running from me.

I miss you.

It’s killing me too.

I wish I could just erase it, but I am me, and you not understanding doesn’t change it.

I love you despite how it stings and stabs when you say it.

I am one step away, from not knowing what I was supposed to love for.

If it just causes this chaos.

I love you, and I don’t know what to do.

It started with feeling,

Like I was supposed to carry a savior, hope.

Fear and panic, couldn’t stand up to that story. Couldn’t ever.

It started with thinking, immaculate conception was what would happen.

Ran away, put it elsewhere. Afraid.

The bruises came, hands and feet.

The pin points for no reason,

As we stepped in.

Realising that passing it on would be cruel, to keep the sense of being that person.

And that’s who I’ll be, standing up and turning every cheek until I’m black and blue.

Even when numb and left behind, even when I can hear the love of him with someone.

Even when it hurts like this.

Living to be, but I never get far.

Never a name made, never a face seen.

They pass by me,

But when I dream

I have friends. People to talk to. Even if it’s been a week since I’ve heard from a friend.

And the one I love is only with me when I’m asleep.

And the second I love, will never love me.