Elucidating Questions

So there was a story about who I was and what I was and who I tried to be and how I tried to be it and in a moment of finally feeling love for myself

Where did that all go?

And who cares anyways.

Tried so hard to try to make it better and now the children are falling down the paths and it doesn’t change does it?

If I could go back in time, truly, self, soul, being,

I’d shoot myself dead before this could happen.

No believing no hoping no trying to save no trusting no bullshit so

I’ll be beside you.

Or someone will help you.

Or something will protect you.

Or you’ll be all right.

Or there could be more.

What story?

I don’t remember.

I was born this morning.

Every morning is nothing else. Looking back at the past merely frozen in nothing, there must have been something there

Now I feel nothing.

You found nothing, you found nothing and did nothing and accomplished nothing and the ripple effect merely shows that you failed.

Look at the moment of giving in to nothing.

There is no hope.

I gave it back.

There is no heart.

There is no one.

There never was.

Or he would have cared.

It is funny, looking back, I laugh in my own face.

This fucking fool.

Standing at the door and believing and thinking and no one will ever see

How I had found someone

Someone for me.

But they don’t exist.

There never was.

I believed a lie.

I’m sure it doesn’t matter and never will,

Yet here I am.

Lucky me.

I should have listened and done what he did.

The only mountain visible in the land so far far far away and untouchable, just beyond reach as the ocean separates and the snow crested peaks behind the haze

Something sleeping in the far away, as the mother has been wakening and I already said that

So naturally occurring during the wakening of the planet in self defense against the nasty terrible disease that blankets

To sing her a song and the love that is had given to someone who actually deserves it

Not for someone who can smile with anything in the lense and get all the love wanted.

Selfish.

Never mind.

Really did think we knew who we were talking to, yet clearly that was wrong.

Don’t know him, never did.

The one we did meet certainly doesn’t care or forgot, just one of millions of bland nothings to profit from

The one who we thought would see first that we were sincere who cried only for things needed.

Yes masters of course as you wish in an instant.

Push and pulled like a doll on a shelf. Waiting to be taken down and loved.

The ugliest one, the one who goes unseen as they get the love and whatever they want and need.

And the only happiness is seen as a terrible thing.

After all,

Just stop eating. Maybe someone will love you then.

And yet, every day, enough food for a babe, and here we are

Still exactly the same.

The creature watches from atop the spire, the fire pours down and watches for a never ending day.

There is no ending, or night, or dark, merely fire and light neverending until many thousands of hundreds of millions of revolutions.

It’s a revolution. As every day, the earth turns, humans live lives.

The planets around, farther and out, the brinks of the systems the darkness of further.

Children live and do as they will, parents checked out, or far or beyond.

Once you reach the end of the hospitality, they turn you out.

And no one is left, not one person, who will stand by your side, just the same story again.

I just want them out of my head, I want them all out. I never want to think of them. I never want to remember them, I never want to hear their names

The laughter of cruelty because they all happen all around.

There’s nothing in this world that could keep me here.

Not one thing.

Yet every day here it is. Crying for help only brings silence.

Crying for love only brings silence.

Crying only brings nothing.

If outside and existing the possibility of an end increases. Watching as the boats sail away to freedom where I will never go.

Watching and knowing I cannot ever go.

Cut off from the land, cut out from the herd,

The cow gets what he wants. The goat will be left to rot.

An unbottled cork of a message in the ocean where the letter was lost and the ink washed away by water that fell

One drop one drop one drop.

The welcoming home to think in a box of a place where there’s a person and it’s all just people

And they’re all just waiting to turn away, waiting for a reason to leave.

Never wanting a reason to believe in, five billion reasons to believe erased in the never ending stupidity of believing

The truth of hearing what happens tomorrow and please tell us, but don’t tell us what to do

Does this not make sense to you?

Rules reset every night and you get nothing because your silent nothing and trying nothing and it’s still nothing

And no interest in what’s coming, it probably all says the same thing

It’s your fault and I will never.

Or my life is hell and it’s your fault and I will never.

Or you’re crazy before I even asked if I could be a friend and I will never.

Or give me what I want and then you’ll get what you want without telling what the want is or how someone from far far far beneath you should somehow come up with it

Because there’s a bad guy and I always get forced into it.

Regardless of not believing in it, regardless of hating the boxes it makes and

Just say you’re mine

But I did

And it never mattered.

Just say yes

But I did

And it never got better.

Just say enough

But I did.

And all I ever hear is shut up or hush or quiet like it is something I can control trying to keep together when the only place to go is under.

And it’ll just be one more day, one more day, one more day, every day

Why don’t you try again tomorrow?

Why don’t you stop telling me to try and get off your cowardly high fucking horse and treat me like a human being rather than whatever the fuck you cooked up

I never would have let you suffer alone like this,

And yet here I am.

Yet the imbalance is my fault. Is it fun for you?

While I end up with less and less and less and less and shut down every system and every thing that ever put a smile on my face is suddenly

Because I gave everything

And when I had nothing left you showed me nothing and asked for more.

Is it boring, or was it simply not enough? It’s hard to say when memory doesn’t serve.

It’s hard to say

Tumbling and trying to get back up to get going and headstrong to start something when

When what.

Tried and asked and begged and wanted someone to come with come with me just come with me.

Sat on the side of the road crying for an hour.

I did.

When was Valentine’s?

I forget. A playlist that seemed like some fun, coincidences it happened, so coincidences.

And do you see the signs because every sign screams.

But no,

Loading loading loading

After all of course time would be needed to process the unfortunate situation that is

Walls put up to protect the pieces that started falling apart.

Words never spoken, merely trying to save the breaking heart by writing the panic and it wasn’t good enough

And then too good. Like there’s no way to get it right.

And probably the stories that were told within that no one could find the right parts of me.

And every word was words held hanging,

And it’s too soon, when the word is said we go back no one else thrown nastily and terribly

Back to August.

When he was gone and god I miss you.

I miss you every day, like this hole that will never be filled.

It broke so terribly, pieces in the land of the sun.

There’s just words from all of them that are lies. Lies if applied to the wrong person,

It was not.

I wonder if he found one, a piece or a shard, perhaps that’s all that connects truly.

Those who have seen pieces of my broken heart.

I still don’t know why she asked for the password. I still don’t know what that password was.

The words weren’t honest either, of that memory that claims to have protected my home. At the time, and the home was supposed to go there,

And as said as the questions are asked and answered outloud, in an instant without thought but it’s not a sound.

That feeling of being not on top, but being shown and the first feeling of panic because

I was always slow and the worry of being found, despite being just this.

Somehow I’m feeling, I’m beginning to get,

That it wasn’t me, but it was the false reading of someone that could

Someone else that would, like him, that same feeling like

It couldn’t be allowed to happen again,

But it was wrong right?

Tomorrow on ice if we can pretend to be alive or find the normality long enough to watch and focus, when it’s been too long.

The mind never quiets, the words pour out, every day is a repeat. The one song is over, erased by the summer, goodbye to it.

Instead it is just nothing, perhaps should have left it alone. To repeat every day for the rest of it, while the world moves right on past.

Now every day is a lie written about someone else. Never shown, it’s never been good to see.

Not me.

Every day awakening, every day the same, every day nothing.

Always unseen and unknown.

Trying to keep the promises made stupidly by a fool who believed in love and trusted the words of nothing from nobody.

The foolish feeling of having found one when one didn’t want us.

Do not disturb. Why can’t you be better than this?

How to send love and write of love and describe love not felt, received, or acknowledged?

Saying I love you I love you I love you I miss you you’re beautiful and I want to see you and I want to go to you and you’re so far away it hurts

Would only work for the beautiful, the perfect, the worthwhile, the worthy.

He deserves better than this. He deserves better than me. He could have anyone he wants.

And I’m wrong in every way.

Someone tell me, what’s the point?

How many more days until I am set free and he just shows some mercy?

Serendipity would be the end.

This has been a long mistake and he will never love me.

And yet it continues every day, nothing will change.

Every day.

The rest of this long and meaningless life, that had meaning for one month, and then tried to keep it.

When it’s long lost, and he would never want to meet me.