Elucidating Questions

The earth is the only beautiful thing about this earth.

The ocean the only beautiful ocean.

The sky is just a sky.

The stars are billions of more stars.

The planets around them are more planets.

Any poor soul is just another poor soul.

There is nothing to be found and no one to care.

The rocks are rocks and the nature exists.

There are rocks and there are plants.

No memory of anything.

One more night.

And how thankful anyone should be to have it.

Insist there is meaning.

When there isn’t.

It’s like the words I love you followed by stay away and out of my head because if pen hits paper every time I can’t control the thought of you

There would be more and there would be stories of tears that fell and nails ripping across skin and the want to leave because there’s nothing else.

Do you even see me?

Did you even care?

Would it matter if it was anything other than I should prove that it mattered

Or that it was real.

Burned isn’t the right word. Eviscerated.

There never will be the right word to explain this feeling.

Humiliation may fall into it.

May fall into the hole that threatens to swallow the feelings.

Nevermind I don’t feel it. Nevermind. There’s no feeling.

The hole already swallowed.

I am gone. There’s something left behind.

Sometimes so soon it’s like we didn’t even fuck.

Sometimes it feels like a dream that was had over a night and away again you went when for a moment it felt like

I actually saw you.

Yet right back to square one, or zero really, I suppose there was a connection possibly to you or him, but unconcerned and honestly the best way to do it

Was to pretend it never happened just like always.

Try try again to try try to hold a conversation, but don’t remember how or when.

Running away and the words of other things that don’t belong.

Covers still seem to think it was easier to pretend to sleep beside than it is alone.

Too much in the thoughts to connect, and would rather forget, just one more thing we wish we could forget.

It we I this.

Or however it is. The drink pours down.

Restart, what is the question?

There isn’t one. Dying batteries and there was no control. There was a feeling of being important enough to have a life worth living.

Restart there isn’t.

Restart there was a feeling that if we could all come together change could be made.

That dream died in silence in the night when the names called turned away.

The haunting of this person I should just delete and forget and erase.

It wasn’t like that.

It was like I had this list of people who I had been listening to and counting on and that gave me strength and let me smile when hours and hours and hours had gone by alone.

Of course I don’t know his list that is what I meant.

I didn’t want to see it because I end up knowing things I never wanted to know.

There wasn’t supposed to be this on top I didn’t think anyone could carry it

So I tried to pass it around.

Except these things that no one wants

The end of the threads the ticking of the clocks the signs of the reapers growing loud again

And left alone with war to fight, when it was the one thing I couldn’t carry and no one.

That the only thing I have to stay at my side is planets and stars and galaxies because spread it around.

Give it away. Try to show love and feel it anyways.

So tired of flames. So tired.

So tired of being left when I wanted to bring everyone and keep them safe.

We tried so hard to keep it here, some faith or hope or something clear,

And all it did was end up as this.

There’s no one to miss if they never wanted me. When I wanted to protect them and keep them happy.

The ring was returned. The move unmade.

Found far away like a message that was sent. The feeling of being pulled to it.

And yet it was meaningless for no reason.

The feelings invalid, the loneliness just forever like was wished.

Keeps coming back like it’ll fix it when all the words are hollow and meaningless for a thing.

That’s all this ever will be. Some thing.

Some thing on a shelf and the moon which is unseen,

What on earth could possibly matter.

It’s all just lies not meant for this.

The lies were meant for some miss.

And that’s the part of the joke, I suppose I didn’t get.

Laughing at my expense.

Always.

At my expense.

After all why tell the story of a life that is not worthy to exist?

After all why record anything. Fading into the night and disappearing, some day.

Awful. Awful some day.

It’s not today though cruel laughter and the winner always on top and better than this.

Why can’t you just stop being transgender?

Why can’t I be happy?

Why does it matter?

Why was I put here if it was to find nothing and do nothing and mean nothing and have nothing and I thought I had answered

But it didn’t matter the answer, that I thought I had.

To a stupid question whose answers mean nothing

The question I answered every day whose answer is now numb and silent.

I’ll never be good enough.

My happiness wasn’t supposed to exist.

I should have stayed quiet, I should have kept it inside and thought about that so called next life when I want nothing more than to end and have that be it

Go on your own I want nothing else than to be happy but I am not allowed.

I hate that you did this to me. I hate that you left it like this. I hate that this will be my life while you get to see nothing and never have to think of it.

I hate that this happened.

I hate everything about every word I hate every tune I hate every note I hate every sound

Because it’s all silence.

It’s all nothing.

Just, isn’t it?

And underneath the sun and the sky merely continuing. Merely going to tomorrow because it will happen.

The same ending and same future, that it happens.

Someday they will disappear and leave it all behind.

There is only belief in what is. There’s no start there’s no tonight there’s nothing.

Nothing every day, just like this. There’s an ocean that’s never going away and the chains never fall.

There’s hardly enough time and there isn’t enough to spare.

Breaking and broken to the point of the light merely being brightness in eyes too tired to see and a mind too broken to continue.

Play the game play the game every day play or he doesn’t or love or he doesn’t or whatever fucking story

When it’s clear that he never wanted or needed me.

When it’s clear no one ever will.