Elucidating Questions

Come sit with me on this wall we build

Do you fear falling?

One would wonder why we build it too high to cross over in the event of a miracle.

Trapped on the other side you can’t even gaze over the top.

The prickle of the vines and thorns that grow all over.

I don’t think there is a flower, I think the wall prevents the love the flower would need to grow.

The fast return of and the death of the moon who could see over.

Hanging in the sky and seeing both the sides.

Successfully beaten down to hide the face

I don’t think anyone could meet the meager face of the fear of every human that comes close

Coming alive was easy.

Staying that way feels like a joke.

近いけど遠い。

この何百マイルの別ける

会いたくても、会いたくても、

会える可能がゼロ

遠い

会いたい

心が別けても

会いたいの皆に届く事が出来ない。

叫んでも、泣いても、

届かないね?

I don’t know what you want from me

All I ever do is admit

I make mistakes I just don’t know which

Is the one that closed all the doors around me

I just wanted to be told what it was so I could try to make it better

Empty apologies mean nothing

I can apologise for days and it will never mean anything

Because all I can do is apologise for things I don’t understand what it was

If I don’t understand then how can I fix it?

And one thousand written five letter words will never be worth

The words said outloud.

So what am I supposed to do now with every empty road followed and every door shut tight?

I could bang on them and scream apologies into the night

No, I think some of it was definitely not something to apologise for

Especially since May.

Especially since then I feel like March and April

Never happened.

I just felt like I was doing as I was told I didn’t know what I was doing would cause pain

It wasn’t my intention.

Intentions be damned.

Because even my intentions don’t matter.

So I push a button and he ceases to exist

Right?

That’s the world we live in now

With the push of a button a human

Is erased by you.

It never seemed right it always seemed cruel

Sometimes you need it sometimes they’re hurting you

But it seemed so final so

Being on the other end of it

Never knowing what I did wrong.

The button that erased me

That was always pushed so easily.

So if he’s gone

If that was the whole point

What do I get for it?

All this pain and self hatred and these scars that mean nothing

But failure to do what should have been easy

I look at them and it’s what I see.

This constant implication

That what I need is to be alone

In pain

Forgotten

Unwanted

Unneeded

This constant implication that it’s what I need

Or a choice when

Everyone around is obsessed with things and all I want is someone to be with me.

This constant implication that somehow what I want and need are not the same.

It’s like being underneath a brick floor

Screaming to get out

He doesn’t cease to exist you know

None of the things he’s said stop existing

The pain I feel doesn’t lessen due to the button having been pushed.

It just means one more door

That wasn’t even open to begin with

Is locked.

The only difference is I have a key,

But it doesn’t mean I’ll be allowed in.

Without him,

Now count me who I can talk to.

With him

I don’t think the number was any higher.

He didn’t want me anyway

He’ll be relieved.

He won’t even notice.

I want to live somewhere where all of this never happened.

I wish I could speak to me in the past

And say stay in Japan.

Canada isn’t worth it.

I wanted him, but I was staring at you.

I would feel so alone and lost and I’d look

Where you were

Are

You never go far but I don’t know why I did.

Like a pulling sensation.

If I sit here and wait will you come?

No, I’ve done this almost every day this year.

I know the answer.

I sit here and wait, but no one is trying to find me.

Any new person,

I don’t think you understand,

Any new person is just an opportunity

For someone else to take everything I give and then leave.

I can sit and wait,

Please don’t make me talk to every stranger in hopes it’s you.

I could stay where I am for millennia

Where are you?

Don’t you want to sit with me and watch the ducks

Or

Is anything I do worth it?

You’re still not here.

Nothing is worth it.

Even if there’s no where we belong

Can’t we belong together?

Are you waiting for a lightning strike?

All this time wasting away…

I’d have been more blessed born as a duck at this pond.

I miss you

But I don’t know what it feels like to be with you.

I wonder if we met and you decided I wasn’t worth it,

Just like everyone else who walked away.

Did you walk away?

I had a dream where that night went how I had wanted

It didn’t stop me from waking up.

The ducks play while I cry beside the pond.

Someone tell me why

My love for you is expensive in ways you’ll never know.

I cry myself to sleep wishing it would just go.

All you do is bite me, even when I’m trying to help.

You disregard me in ways that

Make me feel disposable

Unneeded.

Unwanted.

I scream words you never care to listen.

So obsessed with time.

I love all your broken parts the same,

While you tear me down over and over.

I have no answers for you

That don’t show the pain you’ve caused me

But according to you

It’s the pain I feel that’s a problem.

As if I can just not feel it.

I wish you could feel how I feel.

Is that cruel?

I don’t know if I care anymore.

Maybe that’s how love dies.