Elucidating Questions

Hahaha I’m more drunk than you and you’re afraid of the dark

You’re an inch away from getting sick and I’m trying to stop you

I’m sober in the walls around me

It just feels so much harder to move like I’m in a great cast I don’t know how to make the limbs move to write properly but he’s

Drunk

This is different something I haven’t seen like a party where only darkness is welcome and the room is dark

I put it away so I think we’ve had enough I can’t hold on long enough to get out a thought.

Your little party tricks that don’t get to be seen need to put themselves up with some kind of

Obvious intervention because I can’t prove a thing from these silent things that can not be recreated

Proof.

The feeling and the reading yes I know but I’ll never be able to show with a feeling

Show me

Something that can’t be explained.

Where did Odysseus come from?

Complete loss of reality

But I’m allowed blame it on the alcohol

Dressed up no where to go

Made up nowhere to go

Playing in the world of pretend so that the stupid past doesn’t matter

I don’t need you

I’ll just keep saying that and dancing alone with my invisible friends

They’re the only ones who ever come over.

But I mean nothing to him and I don’t know why.

Be considerate of his feelings and stop talking to him

Okay I whisper looking ahead to the evening again the long wait to just go back to sleep again

By this point

You’re just not right

Good enough

Worthy

Should have been clear but it isn’t so I’m still standing here

But I wanted to be

I tell nobody.

I wanted to be good enough and right and worthy.

But the more you want the less you get

Regardless of need

I knew he’d fall over at the right wrong moment.

Get up soldier I’m not talking to you

Of course he can’t because he’s a toy and he probably wants his stand so I can pose him just right so he’ll be standing watch like all the other

Toys.

I could sit on the floor and make them talk to each other like I was four but I’d still be alone with no one to play with

The puppy starts crying and walks away.

There you are but you’re still wearing your hat I still can’t see your face.

He was cut in half by the killer the shining killer and watched by the ocean he faded away

Do you remember how that tore me apart and I cried for hours because I loved these

Creations like humans.

Do you remember the grudge

I still shy away

If I was really going to drink myself to death I’d be trying harder

You see?

I got your game.

I know the rules I know the way to play around your cruel tactics

Like if I loved myself I’d put myself out of my misery because nothing fucking helps and I numb it away but

Tell me

With a straight and honest face that you’d do any different in my place

This game you say

Stay alive

I don’t remember agreeing to play I remember like it was yesterday

The contract

Oh but I do remember I’m mortal

It’s my one saving grace.

Did I write I will stay alive?

I believe I also wrote that Joshua Ramsay always sings me up and that I loved him so much and I couldn’t believe I’d found him I couldn’t believe the strength of the line

It’s in the garbage pile now do you want to retrieve it for me I believe I scratched out most of the lines and tore them from my story when they weren’t real

Do you remember where the ticket was? I remember exactly where it was now it’s in pieces in the trash.

You dangled destiny in front of me and made me say thank you before it even happened.

You made me say thank you for the feeling of the possibilities

The hope that came out of me

Your twisted messages that I can only see and understand because I have all these pieces

Yes you three

And you ten

And you and you

I believe in you and I’ve seen what you can do but I don’t want to have to hear from you how I can’t do it or I’ll get stuck or that other thing

Forever living the day

I can find ways around it to ease the ache of losing the one person who made me feel okay and the loss of someone who was never and never wanted to and will never be mine.

I wish you’d left me to my fantasy.

The one where we meet at complete random and I say all the things and I give him the book and he looks at me and he loves it

Because then at least I would have been a positive influence on him not what I tried to be

Boisson au rhum.

Afterwards maybe I’ll put on my pirate hat again and ask why is the rum gone?

I always have my pirate hat.

Dear person whose name should not but I just did but it’s okay they’re all on your side anyway

I have no hopes or expectations

I have no demand for the same sound

You don’t have to keep turning out the same thing spun round

You have enough inside you that when you truly compose I hear the scenes you were writing I see the stories you told.

Present it with cow bell more cow bell and I wouldn’t care because it’d still be part of you

I could still pretend you’re there.

And alcohol will be my new best friend

Because no one else showed and I’m too tired to play pretend.

Can’t pretend everything is fine when I feel like I’m drowning in every second

Alone with myself if I feed it maybe it’ll be nice to me for a moment

Just a moment where it doesn’t hurt like this anymore

And if no one showed then it’s my own fault I wasn’t specific enough about the Salton or Troy.

Or maybe no one was coming anyways

I wanted you to read my poetry and see my pain but see how much love I have and I wanted to sit around and do nothing and watch you play or watch you playing

And let what happened before just melt away but it never happened it never happened that way

So I must be the biggest mistake.

Making historical mistakes.

Don’t come with me don’t follow me don’t do as I do because no one else deserves how I feel but me

Don’t think someone can love you

Don’t believe you’re worth their time

Don’t ever trust that voice in your head that said it would work if you just tried

Because it’s not true.

Don’t shoot for the stars or act like today is your last day

Don’t believe in anything

Don’t ever want what you can’t have and then imagine what it would be like to have it

You’ll find you hate yourself the more you realise

Nothing is true.

And then we all die.

Please recharge headset

I’m dropped into noise

So much noise

Chattering people socialising

Laughing

Enjoying

Still in this place, still trapped here

Without it

Without anything

I want to drink it all away until it disappears and I never have to think or feel and if I do it right I’ll stop realising

No matter what I want I have no one to turn to

No one who wants to hear from me

Surrounded by happy smiling faces who have friends to talk to and things to talk about

Maybe if I stop waiting for it

It’ll happen faster.