Elucidating Questions

If heaven was filled with people

With people who fight and climb and patronise and start wars

Would it be heaven then?

Would it be heaven filled with the people around who have no regard for one another who continue their path without care for who they throw out of the way

I wonder if it’s empty.

That’s why I think that’s why

There must be more than one or there must be different places

There must be life in some aspect elsewhere not just down because would there be a down in heaven?

I can’t imagine it would be the same for every person but someone must share

Does that mean that at the end you finally learn who you were supposed to meet

Would that be heaven

A head of memories of life lived in pain and then an

I got you

Moment at the end.

Caught in a moment when it’s too big for an answer.

At least it knows what I was asking.

All I know is that it loves.

Holding my feelings in my teeth. Trying not to let them in my eyes.

I think I ran too far.

My father swore they were proof of my insanity

Instability

He told the psychiatrist in front of me,

Nothing I said could be trusted because of the dolls.

He was partially right

Afraid to be alone

So afraid so I had someone to talk to at all times.

Even when with others I was wrapped up in the little dragon boy.

Took him everywhere, carried him with me because he was comforting

A weight that would never hurt me, a friend who would never leave.

Always smiling with that serene look on his face,

Nothing like the playful troublemaker I had seen, but I hadn’t expected he’d be the same.

His brother came, a little bit of half light.

He bit me and kicked me more times than I can count

Always a bit too stiff

But mine.

The little angel boy with the broken face, half a name.

I can hold him in my hands.

He enjoys adventures.

The first three.

He walked on by

Whistling a merry tune

I hadn’t asked him for anything yet

It was about half past noon.

I asked if he had heard the news

He dropped everything without dropping anything

Suddenly greatly bothered he looked me upwards side and then down he

I wish I could take someone home tonight so I could hide away from the everything

I hope there was someone

But there wasn’t.

I don’t understand why humans do terrible things to each other

I wish we could trade places

I wish she could go home

This chronic disease keeps me lost in a cage

Constantly seeking not sympathy but acknowledgement of the pain

Cutting me off from the outside as they all get up and go while I need a half hour to fix all my bones

Aching of muscles and the sharp stabbing of joints out of place

Or in place just hurting

I say it hurts and they say

I hurt too

And write me off as a complainer or a downer

They don’t see me seeing them turning away as the lights fade out day after day

I can’t go out and play I have to stay in but no one comes around to even pretend to be my friend

And I’m desperate so I keep reaching out to what’s not in reach because I already tried those closest

They’re not coming to me.

In a room full of empty furniture I spend hours just killing hours wishing it would end

My head hurts my arms hurt my back hurts my legs hurt my feet hurt

My heart hurts

They don’t love you because you’re sick

Or because they think you’re faking it

So I wish it would show them for once something concrete

I pray for a new diagnosis that will erase me

Because it’s every day and it’s every night in the body that betrayed me

With the mind that never loved me to begin with

Locked away in a cage where I try to find the way out

But there isn’t one.

They say get up get out there but I’m just a piece of broken down garbage

How do you start any relationship with

Hello

I’m damaged goods

My body damaged itself

It’s probably caused by my father.

It’s probably never going to get better

I can’t do activities for long or I get exhausted and I’m in so much pain I don’t remember anything

I won’t remember your face or your name for at least a month and even then

I won’t be able to pick you out of a crowd because my mind is so broken it just focuses on pain now I can’t escape the world behind my eyes

God knows how many times I’ve tried

To break free of this cage that my body left me

How am I supposed to find somebody who will love me when I’m just this wreck of nothing

I hate the expression on their face when I tell them and if I don’t they push me too hard because I’m sick and they expect a functioning person

I didn’t want this.

I wanted to die this is a cheap inbetween parlour trick in the light

Everything hurts and I can’t breathe and I can’t even find someone who can comfort me because they don’t know how much this disease

Just takes every part of me and feeds it to the demons so they can join in

I don’t want to be here with these invisible friends

I want someone who loves me who can give me a hug when it hurts too much or will sit with me and play games or something anything

Go for a drive or just keep me company

But I can’t let them in because they all end up hating me

This disease has taken everything away

I keep trying to explain the symptoms aren’t me but they’re all anyone ever sees and

I want someone to take the pain away but I know they can’t

Fibromyalgia always wins.

I can’t defeat these demons.

So easy to forget me and put me on the shelf.

Easy to pretend I don’t exist and turn off the messages.

So easy to erase everything I am with disregard and silence.

So I wake up in tears and you wake up just fine.

I should look at you and be glad you’re not hurting.

I should be able to put away my pain and let you be happy without me

Without me

I’ll live through it

I know I’ll live through it

I don’t want to should be an acceptable answer but it’s not

I love you but it’s not good enough

Forgiveness didn’t even factor in I can forgive every little thing over and over again

But it never matters.

Shaking hands and muscles tired.

Working minimum wage in my dreams for free.

I think my cat is sick.

She was lying on the couch.

They always visit before they go.

Nightmares.

I know you lie but I have no fight and I don’t want to make more and more and more mistakes

I just don’t want to be alone anymore.

I keep begging for someone to come help me get up and

They try so hard with rainbows and little things

But I keep sinking and I feel so greedy asking for more

Why do I feel so lonely and alone when things that make me smile keep happening

Where are you?

Why aren’t you here it’s so easy

It’s too easy

Right?

The world beat me to a pulp and no one wants to help me with the pieces

And every relationship I’m just too desperate for

So they all pull away

The more I need someone the less someone is here

The more I need company the more alone I am

Tell me how to be secure in a life no one wants to connect to

Tell me why everyone leaves and no one wants to come back

They told me if I let them go they’d come back but no one ever does

Fly away

Flying away

Goodbye forever

Every time

I want you to stay please stay I stopped begging

Silent I watch them all walk.

And he was never coming to begin with.