Elucidating Questions

A leaf falls to join me

Sitting.

Are we friends now?

Join with stick and other leaf and mushrooms and grass

I’ll tell you all the things I’m never saying outloud again.

I’ll whisper you secrets of ancient magic lost and love going to waste

To waste

Always going to waste.

Always hurting instead.

I don’t have names for them because they are pieces of us

Skin over top of nothing solid like a bag with no zipper to escape.

Let me out

Please let me out

I’m begging you to let me out

For the love of the gods let me out.

The stick is dead and sick.

The leaves are dead and brittle.

The grass greenish the mushrooms coming up from something else.

Faerie circles.

I never wanted to be here all alone.

I thought even one of them would come.

The enemy

The other side

The other side

I see no one there you keep pointing but there is no one there.

I wish I had an enemy.

Then I’d have something closer to a friend than I have now.

The scars on my face and the scars on my arms and the scars on my legs and the fever

You could do so much better than me any day.

Mommy why am I here?

My tongue is burnt.

I like it.

I knew the moment it happened and I bite it to get through the day with some pain.

It doesn’t seem to go anywhere,

Following me around in a wild beating I can’t ignore the flutter of wings.

Thought fondly about toe nail clippers.

Why is it so easy to break the skins.

Tidally locked planets are moons.

Demoted.

You tricked me and I’ll never trust you again.

You tripped me to start me going and I’ll never go again.

Never run in blindly

Screaming how much I loved him.

Now it lies on its back, staring up and blankly.

I think I’m part of his bad luck. He never asked for me but I’m here anyways.

I thought he did ask for me, my mistake.

Then why am I here because the whos and whys just pointed to him

We weren’t born in the same country.

No miracle romance.

Nothing to speak of.

Not even a fucking glance.

I put you together in my head

Built you out of dreams and parts I wanted

Then I considered the imperfections and took you apart again

Piece by piece because there’s no way you could be everything I need and want all at once

I took all the parts and laid them down,

Ready for anything and anyone because it can’t be so simple as what I see and who I want

So I imagined all the terrible things you could do to me and decided what I could handle

Everything

So I imagined all the terrible things you could do to someone else and decided what I would overlook

Everything

So you’ll never be what I want you to be and you’ll never look how I imagined and you’ll be far from perfect because perfect doesn’t exist

I tried to put you back together but reality was despair.

I can’t even hold you in my mind you’re not a person you’re just an idea that I’ll never find.

Ignore the blinding blue light who was everything I ever wanted and more who will never want me

Sorry

She’s just better than me.

You’ll find someone better than me before I find you and I’ll never get to you you’ll always be out of reach.

You won’t love me because I am unlovable.

We won’t even meet.

You’ll pass me on the street and I’ll feel like I want to say something but I won’t.

This cruel reality where I’ll never find you.

No matter where I look no matter how hard I’ll try.

I’m so angry at you for being nowhere.

I never want to smile again I never want to feel anything how could you be nowhere when you’re everything I need

How could you be out of reach

How could you leave me like this without a word and never even try to reach out for me

How could you.

I want to hate you.

An idea that will never be born.

Never be within reach.

I saw you in my mind and wanted you more than anything.

But you’re nowhere.

I want to hate you so my heart stops hurting.

It just sinks.

Looking over the devastation the sun breaks through the clouds to shine

It doesn’t look like it was his

Like it’s a thread that runs through every song just waiting to come alive.

Dreaming impossibilities and waking in the cold reality I left just as I left it.

Are you really somewhere out there because it feels so far away and impossible.

I just want someone to hold on to.

But all I want is somewhere that isn’t here.

I don’t know why I find it or why it calls when he was the wrong answer.

When even pretending didn’t make me the person I was supposed to be.

You wouldn’t even recognise me so why bother?

You’d just walk right past me. Leave me alone because I disappear in every crowd.

So why should I keep looking for you and everything I ever wanted when it’s nowhere in sight and neither are you.

Even if I recognise they just leave.

Baby where are you I miss you so much.

I was supposed to find you and save you but you’re nowhere to be found and I can’t even save my most important person.

How am I supposed to find you when I will never be good enough for you.

I wanted to go back to being safe in your arms.

But you’re nowhere to be seen.

And I’m all alone here.

So who is going to save me?

I look up at the face of the perfect moon.

All my questions whispered like I’m afraid the sound of them will wake someone.

I want to stand under you and be separate I want to stand on you and just lie on the cold rock in the cold sun

And wait for it to get dark.

I feel the warmth you offer but I don’t know if I may accept it

I’m so used to each receipt ending with loss greater than the gain

One step forward two steps back or just drowned in the weight of it.

What am I?

The yellow white light that always makes me feel like home even when I’m not.

I just found it again.

I find it everywhere.

And then I feel lost again

Why am I still finding it.

I wish I could be free.

I wish he would come with me.

I don’t know what I am.

But I know I feel it in your stare

The light of the moon

Always there.

The sun sets

Goodbye for some hours until we turn in time to face you again.

Every about face.

I want to trace over the lines I lost and decide whether they were worth it myself

But somewhere I lost everything.

As I thought from the start it’s just not worth it without him in my life

I wasn’t lying life’s not worth it.

Couldn’t even call it overrated just not worth it.

All the waiting for an empty phone to go off just so I can pretend I’m not alone with messages without a tone

I write them like I do you read them like you do never the two shall meet.

Empty folded paper promises.

When September ends it will be next month I can’t stop it.

I wish there was something beyond the fall.

I wish I had a place here.

I wish I had someone to hold so the nights wouldn’t feel so alone.

Lost here I’m just lost and I tried to find my way but I didn’t find anything.

Goodbye wasn’t a second chance.

It never was.