Elucidating Questions

Hope is so fucking uncomfortable

I don’t know why humans do it

You can hope and hope all you fucking want nothing will ever come of it

Why do we even bother with all this shit?

God it’s all so fucking meaningless and stupid

I could hope he will suddenly decide I’m worth it and show me the time of day

Or that he falls in love with me

Or that the weather is nice

But what fucking good does hope do?

Oh I hope you feel better

Well you will or you’ll die so who the fuck cares

Why hope?

I won’t feel better I have a chronic disease so hoping I feel better makes as much fucking sense as hoping that the universe will wink out of existence and all this fucking useless uselessness will end

But it won’t will it?

So oh I hope that someday he’ll see how much I love him and fucking hell he won’t so what the fuck is the point of this painful wanting

Hope is yearning tainted with fucking poison

I hate having it I hate catching myself doing it I hate it

It’ll happen any fucking way

GEE I HOPE HE DOESN’T GO TO JAIL BUT THAT DOESN’T FUCKING HELP DOES IT?

Oh but I don’t want to go I want to lie on the top of that hill and stay there baking in the sun

I don’t want to listen to people not understand which restaurant they’re at

Or people who can’t read

Or people who think it’s okay to be greedy and rude and entitled or that I owe them something

It’s really not worth it

Adding up every day

All the shit I have to take

People being rude when I’m trying to be disgustingly sweet

Ignored and pushed past

Yelled at

Told off for doing as I’m told by the people who told me to do it

Chastised for things I didn’t do

Listening to the problems of complete strangers

But I’m on my way anyway

And tomorrow

Two more weeks before I get a day off

Just two more weeks

Fuck I’m tired.

Watch as it collapses

Right now I am not all all right but I am at least partially all right

And I know all those moments that were so awful I wanted to be gone didn’t matter

All the pain and the sadness didn’t matter

Nothing changed

So when I’m in those moments I know they don’t matter

And I hate myself more because I know it doesn’t matter that I feel that way, that nothing will change, that it’ll just wash away eventually like the tide

But I feel that way inside and it’s like I can’t control it

And I hate that I feel that way and I hate that I can’t not feel that way and I don’t know when the day it will go away will come

But at some point I take a breath above the waters of my mind and I look around slightly more awake without salt in my eyes

And it’s like when you close your eyes wishing you could open them somewhere else you think

Wouldn’t it be nice if something would change but the scene above is the same as the one below

And all that suffering meant nothing at all

So why did it even have to happen?

Why did I have to feel that way and why do I feel even infinitesmally better?

Nothing changed.

It’s not better I just know I can’t do anything

That I’m powerless hopeless and useless still regardless I can’t change this it’s the truth of my existence I just

Accepted how awful it’s all going to be and I went back to dreaming about the place at the end because I have no connection to this land

The final line erased

But I also know I’ll probably be right back at that place where the moment is so heavy I don’t want to be alone and I’ll scream and cry in my hole where no one hears it

I sigh

Shake my head shrug my shoulders

I don’t know what face to put on I don’t know

I sigh again I

Don’t have any words to explain why I’m alive besides I’m too lazy to kill myself off

My gods allfuckingmighty it takes effort

So what is there for a life that’s given up on life but can’t be fucking bothered to give up their place so some sorry fuck who thinks this has got to be the good life can come along and burn the planet alive because he has no fucking consideration for the planet he lives on but who the fuck cares it’ll be here anyway and you and me well we’ll all be dead and that’ll be

Fucking lovely

When it happens

Until then

Here I am

And I don’t even give a damn.

It was just a question

My brain got so stuck on it

I dreamt the answer

My brain doesn’t understand that it can’t just make up its own answers

To make up for the silence

Sleep talking

Rare but it happens when the dreams are too limiting

When I have something to say

But I don’t remember what it was

I wish I could start over again

Just so I could go over the word said

Saying

And make sure they’re all good

I don’t understand

I liked his shoes

His queen is more beautiful than any fake princess

Dark empress

Cursed warrior

Fallen Angel

But I miss him

But I wish I could have met him

But I wish I had the chance to meet him

But

It never changes

Little does he know

He knows so little

About who I am what I am where I am

Waiting for a time that’s mine getting crushed in the grind

So frustrated and annoyed with everything and everyone

Myself first

Then everyone

But I still want to be able to love all of them

Sweet Aphrodite

You and I we’re awful at this aren’t we?

We fall in love and terrible things just happen

And then we hurt and we want to make them know how it hurts

How does he get in every time?

Our silent war inside.

I thought I was so good at it.

I thought I was good at love.

Usually this is where a bird laughs and it’s your laughter

But you’re silent

What do you want to say you’re shaking with unsaid

Are you trying to say it’s not me it’s them again?

Put down your bag and stay a while

I’m sure we can find someone to take over

Just for a little while

I see the light you cast from a different angle

I love what I see

From here I feel like I can see the whole city

I can see the stupid dome

And the stupid towers

And the stupid crane and the stupid spires

I can see the beautiful mountains and the beautiful blue sky

I can’t see you from this angle

Oh you foolish child

I know you’re not going out

I know you’re safe

I also know I love you

Even when I can’t see you

My gorgeous Apollo who shoots from afar

I never have to wonder what you are

Yup there it is

I’m listening

I’m missing

Hey

I don’t really care that it doesn’t make sense and it’s all really fucking weird

You get used to it anyways

Knowing reality isn’t

I’m thinking and I’m worrying

I honestly can’t tell you it gets better

Because I don’t believe it

But I will be here regardless

I’m on your side

So

You don’t have to be alone

Because I’m right here with you