Elucidating Questions

The fever is back it chews at my sleep

I wake in a daze drenched

I don’t know what causes it it comes and goes but

I don’t know why it comes anymore

I thought I had an answer

I feel so cold

But it can’t possibly be what I tried to hold

The reasoning behind it

Who knows

But that’s as far as I’m going to go because I can’t escape it

It’s just part of my life

Another reason

I have to be alone at night.

You always know the answer to their tricks and turns

You see their lies and unravel their doctrines

I hate doctrines

You whisper flitting about like a frustrated bat

A kiss to the cheek

The best thing about you, I say, is that I can lie to you.

And you don’t care

He’s chuckling

Coming close and leaning in

Of course

I don’t do

That hypocritical bullshit

It’s so sad all the witches get painted like satanists

Saturn

He mutters to himself

When the depths of the magic come from a time older hundreds of years older thousands of years older

Than the false god and Christ himself.

Can’t we all get along?

A whisper

Yes

If we cut out the sickness

The cause of all this

You catch it every time he whispers

My ears are ringing because it’s the wrong time

No one on top

No one beneath

The way I approach them on even feet

I don’t play supplication

Unless I have a safe word

He laughs

And we continue watching their silliness.

It is outrageous.

But they won’t notice.

Keeping in mind

Keeping in mind

That Lucifer fell

Not for hate of mortals

He was cast to hell

For looking away from the “one god”

To the people

Who He hated.

The spider queen visited me in a dream

She and her two daughters

They were in a cage

Her face was displayed

They scared me,

But by the end I was talking to them like friends they were my

…

I stood at the window separating me from mother

They said

She can be human

That she had been made that way but could be

That her daughters were human in a way

I cried wanting to be on the other side

For some reason she was my mother too she told me

I felt longing I’ve only felt awake for something that could never be

I wanted her to have human arms to hold me

She

Her children

I’ve never been visited by Aztecs.

But I knew they were coming.

They’ve been calling me for weeks.

I’m not sacrificing the nobility to her

But

In her mind

They should be sacrificing to her

The privilege

Of being on top

I wish he could hear me

I wish he could see me

I wish I knew that I love him

I wish he could know that no matter what she says I love him

I wish he could know that I’ll be beside him regardless forever

I wish he could understand that my love for him doesn’t make me possessive, because I know I’m not his.

I just want him to know he’s loved.

I just wish he knew how much I love him.

Telling the story exposes the wound

Held out for the reaction

Salt or a bandaid

The unlikelihood of sutures

Sometimes you tell the story

And the wound is exposed

And silence follows

And there it sits open to air and dust

Festering

Infected

And the roses are blooming in fall and you give him a look and he say

I fucking told you roses and I will make them

I’m not sure that’s healthy

But it made me smile

Sometimes

They have to interfere because no one is willing to help me here

I wish I could escape from this.

Waking up in my body.

My body wants me to lie on the ground and never get up again.

My body wants me to stop using my hands and my legs.

I wake up and feel like

All the dreams were me awake doing things.

But if it’s not dreams it’s a blink until morning

And I feel the same

I feel the same every day

My clothes are too heavy

Things touching me hurt

I want to escape this

I’m so tired of being broken

I’m so tired

Everything hurts

I’m so tired

I wish I could sleep