Elucidating Questions

Why are you narrating me as if you’re me?

I ask the intrusive thought that sounds ands resembles Cecil.

Well someone has to.

Intrusive thoughts are intrusive.

As the name suggests

I wish they’d give it a rest I’m so tired my head aches from how inside it I am

Like there’s a blackness around me so deep so gone so empty

Can’t get away from myself

Oh

Hell

I can’t escape this nightmare of voices that just berate me and hate me because I hate me and they hate my so I make sure I know they hate me

By making sure I know what they think of me

There’s just nothing worth living for.

Nothing.

It’s just not worth it.

Every moment is painful or sad and the moments that aren’t are gone and are eclipsed by the colossal size of the pain

It’s not worth it

Every day behind me screams to me

Why are we still here?

And every day before lies dead and alone and walking but never seen never known never finding home

And in the dream it’s getting dark but I don’t like this part either because I know

Because she knows she has to get up tomorrow

And it’s just not worth it.

There’s no point

Standing here I moved to go back to playing the same game I’ve been playing alone for days

In between prescribed daily activities

But there’s no point

The day will end I will be alone tomorrow will come I have to get up then anything that happens between then and now

There’s just

There’s no point

In staring at another screen

I’m just standing in space unmoving staring

There’s no point I’m not enjoying myself I’m just killing time

There’s no point I could just sit on the floor and stare into space for six hours and then go to sleep

It would accomplish the same thing

I’d still be alone here

In silence

Trying not to feel or do anything just waiting for the day it ends

Just waiting

Going out won’t make me feel any better it’s just me with different scenery

The location of being alone with myself will not change

There’s nothing here

I’m bored and lonely

But I’ve been bored and lonely since January so I’ll live right?

And I won’t remember it so who cares about the moments that slip out and hurt so much I can’t breathe but I do even though

There’s no fucking point

Another night of nothing

My one thing got up and left so I’m left with silence in my brain

Left

No one to help me keep the demons off

It is I who is the walking dead not alive this is not alive

Shuffling through life just trying to find a moment that will be remembered

That never comes

Walking silent through the life unwanted

I said completely unwanted

But I just don’t die

And I don’t like what’s happening outside myself

Sucking the world’s body dry

Of life

It feels like someone told me to shut up

I was imagining giving up having to write anymore if only someone came along

I’d give it up

None of it matters anymore

None of it really matters I’m beyond try try again

I’m beyond try try try

I’m beyond

I AM FUCKING TRYING

I’m beyond

Taking another shot

Losing to win another day

Beyond

Beyond ever wanting to trust myself which I’ve broken and destroyed and torn and cut and sewn back together only to cut again

And again

With anyone because I won’t be myself

Ever again

If I have to show them

The state I’m in

Well it’s over and done with anyways

On to the rest of these

Longer than days

So much longer

Than days

Snip snip snipping

Standing in the mirror cutting away the hair just incase there’s a way to make my face less his face more my own

I consider shaving my head

No one would notice

The mirror whispers

Why is everything you do a cry for help?

Writing, hair cutting, talking,

Everything.

Why don’t you just say what you need

You do know what you need don’t you?

You’re human just say what you need

You don’t know what you need.

It used to be okay

It’s not anymore you’re a grown adult; tell people what you need stop hinting that you need help and

I blink in the mirror

It says such cruel things with all the optimism of a glass wall

With a foil back

To make it reflect

It doesn’t know what happens when you ask for what you need

It’s better to forget

Needing anything

And snip

Away

The similarities

I have nothing left to hold on to

He let go and I just watch as I try

Try to make my arms move but it’s cold

Cold and I drift

Falling beneath the waves I barely notice the water

Filling inhaling

There’s nothing to hold on to

There’s nothing to stop me from sinking

Falling slowly down but it never ends it just goes

Deeper

Deeper

Deeper

When my head was above water I wanted to help others find the surface as well but I

Stopped being able to tread in my own head I’m falling deeper into this

Whatever it is

I still wish I was dead

But what’s the point I’m already in pain why should have have to go through more to die

Either way I will feel the pain through life itself or the knife

I may as well just wait for it

As the moments fade away into nothing

As my life fades away into nothing

And my mind doesn’t bother to remember the daily existence of nothing

Hours days weeks months

A year

And then years and then decades and then maybe

Maybe finally when I’ve been forced to exist as nothing with nothing and nothing to make it worth any of it

Maybe finally my body will have mercy on me

And I won’t have to hurt anymore

“I just love your sunny disposition”

And I love the way you criticise my mood without offering an option to help

Simply I am wrong in my way

I just love how your voice has been added to the whispers in my ears that criticise my every move

Welcome to the face inside

That’s where you live now

As a voice to torment me

A ghost I will carry

“No matter how many nice things you say, you’re always going to have said those terrible things too, so the nice things don’t matter”

The blue and the wolf

Stalk their prey as one

You were never good enough for me

But you’re fat!

I will never have time for you

Your work is worthless and meaningless

You couldn’t even give me what I wanted

Everyone should be allowed to choose their fate

I blink in the sunrise

But I didn’t get to choose.

Everyone else chooses

And I have to live with their choices

Everyone else chooses somebody over nobody

And nobody can’t do a damn thing about it

Lost in a flow

My dreams do a pretty good job of mimicking Nightvale

Cecil said so

And a lot of other things

Of course dreams are memories from a past life

We all are

Don’t lock the door

I noticed

I noticed

But I am not pleased that he’s still blonde in my dreams and that he’s still there

And they are

So I wake up in a moment of dreams where

If it was only if it was just still a dream I could be happy waking

Instead I wake again

Looking and feeling

Feelish

It’s such an ugly word two e’s in a row and it just looks

Dumb.

I wish I could live in a world where those voices who joined the face under my skin would be silent because all the ones who made them would come and erase them

Josh’s is filled with

The worst reactions I can imagine because

If it was a good reaction

He would have been here by now.

Everyone else is just quotes or similar sayings things that cut me that I smiled through

He scares me because he bangs things when he’s angry and doesn’t say a word

Calm face while the energy crackles and burns

And I can’t work

With it I can’t so

I’m running away again.

The only battle I ever picked

Was lost in glorious historically remembered bloody and savage decimating sorrow.

Me, zero.

I’m zero to one.

I’m zero.

I’m nobody.