Elucidating Questions

“I just love your sunny disposition”

And I love the way you criticise my mood without offering an option to help

Simply I am wrong in my way

I just love how your voice has been added to the whispers in my ears that criticise my every move

Welcome to the face inside

That’s where you live now

As a voice to torment me

A ghost I will carry

“No matter how many nice things you say, you’re always going to have said those terrible things too, so the nice things don’t matter”

The blue and the wolf

Stalk their prey as one

You were never good enough for me

But you’re fat!

I will never have time for you

Your work is worthless and meaningless

You couldn’t even give me what I wanted

Everyone should be allowed to choose their fate

I blink in the sunrise

But I didn’t get to choose.

Everyone else chooses

And I have to live with their choices

Everyone else chooses somebody over nobody

And nobody can’t do a damn thing about it

Lost in a flow

My dreams do a pretty good job of mimicking Nightvale

Cecil said so

And a lot of other things

Of course dreams are memories from a past life

We all are

Don’t lock the door

I noticed

I noticed

But I am not pleased that he’s still blonde in my dreams and that he’s still there

And they are

So I wake up in a moment of dreams where

If it was only if it was just still a dream I could be happy waking

Instead I wake again

Looking and feeling

Feelish

It’s such an ugly word two e’s in a row and it just looks

Dumb.

I wish I could live in a world where those voices who joined the face under my skin would be silent because all the ones who made them would come and erase them

Josh’s is filled with

The worst reactions I can imagine because

If it was a good reaction

He would have been here by now.

Everyone else is just quotes or similar sayings things that cut me that I smiled through

He scares me because he bangs things when he’s angry and doesn’t say a word

Calm face while the energy crackles and burns

And I can’t work

With it I can’t so

I’m running away again.

The only battle I ever picked

Was lost in glorious historically remembered bloody and savage decimating sorrow.

Me, zero.

I’m zero to one.

I’m zero.

I’m nobody.

As I’m starting to get older I see more of him in the mirror and I hate myself more

I don’t want to see him I don’t want to hear him when I see him I don’t want to have him always staring back at me

I stand glued to the glass trying to will him out of my face

Out of my skin

Out of my DNA

Are the atoms even mine?

Where did they come from why did this choose this form

What possible purpose could they have thought assuming this form would have?

I’ll just get some surgery and remove him from my face with knives and blood and probably prettier afterward anyways so I should just do it.

He’s beautiful both ways

Yes I saw

His face

And the way his lips pull away into the crease that was on her name rhymes with away

A friend who is gone

But that’s what it looked like

Why is he doing it I don’t know but I love him

I love him so I just have to set that aside because telling him that wouldn’t help him

And he won’t let me try

Crying never accomplishes anything

It’s unproductive

I think the question is why did his DNA have to be strongest

Why does my face have to look do similar to his and hers and all of them

Why do I have to see him in the mirror and

Well it’s because I brought up mirrors

And I will never forget the sensation I had the day

I went in to

And

I lock the doors

Came into my headphones.

I looked up and Jesus Christ was sitting across from me

Thanks dude

I said, preemptively knowing he’d say he loved me because he was probably that kind of guy

Seeing as he died for everyone probably

The thought he had

It’s the thought that counts

Really

Jointed by another we laughed at his expense

You are dead though you can’t do anything

You probably could have gone and done something instead of dying but

It’s the thought that counts

Most press conferences occured simultaneously

After all I’m alone so

It’s all pressed

It’s been so cold I’m cold

I need a drink I can’t do it it’s too hard

Today felt so gone from the start

I feel so nothing

I wanted him from the morning because dreams hate me

Music hates me

I have to hide away somewhere else I can’t

I can’t if I listen I’ll cry

All I can do is cry when I’m forced to feel please don’t make me feel

I can’t

It hurts to feel

Please take it away I don’t want to

I can’t feel anymore

It hurts

Dog people are what now?

Such words you speak with such endless silence

You’re telling me invasive thoughts all about you again

Could you invade a little quieter I haven’t had my drink yet

In the silence of the ride

I met a cat

I need a cat

Someday

And then there’s that snap

He’s at the end of the line here

Attached to cats

And just like that

Yeah well dog people are selfish and self centred

Who and what and why now?

Why now?

Because I like both so I’m that too.

Now what say you invasive thought?

What say you?

Illumination

Memories of wandering under lighted trees where couples belong

Memories of December

I wish it wouldn’t be December.

It would be so much better if the next two months just

Didn’t exist

It’s so pretty.

It doesn’t suit reality.

How ugly it is

How awful it is

I don’t want it to be December

I don’t want winter season or festive season or happy people together living happily together

While I watch again from the sidelines

I don’t have any will to be here in this terrible season

I don’t want to watch everyone happy without me

Please don’t make me have to watch all alone again

But I begged not to be alone

And it never worked

Please don’t make me do this again

Please…

Trick one of the ear the light the year

So insatiable

Then a bite

And it’s him crawling in my skin

But that’s not the sound I was listening to

It’s from someone else who walks

Unaware as I hear the one

Yes that follows

Now I hear the echo and I don’t know what it means because

I’m too tired to untangle anymore waking dreams like this while the world continues on around me

The only one perceiving anything

Alone

And falling regardless of fear

Trick two

The sirens wail in the distance I saw the crows wished I could fly

But I can’t no one can

Maybe birds are just an illusion

Like everything that happens

Because it’s not like anything makes sense