Elucidating Questions

I’m alone

I’m alone and I’m scared

And there’s no one to turn to

And if I ignore him his name pops up

Or his music pops up

And if I pay attention these things happen

These things I can’t explain they happen and they don’t go away

Because if I ignore him he pops up

And then I’m paying attention

I’ve had enough

I’ve had enough

My god

Who fucking ever

I’ve had enough please please just

Set me free

Please

I have nowhere to look

I have nowhere to go

I can’t do this all alone

I don’t know why you make me do this alone

I try

I tried.

It’s fine.

I’m up.

Alone

Not quite

Oh well.

Weird shit happened.

Here’s the fun part,

Here’s where we will get stuck,

We said Mexico days ago because we kept feeling like Mexico and Feather went first and someone always precedes them.

Did he then hastily book a trip to Mexico trying to get away from Vancouver?

Probably not.

That sounds stupid and irrational

But the alternative

That alternative

That one that’s just been getting worse

And worse

And worse

Started with him.

And we don’t know why.

Hello, how are you?

It’s nice to meet you,

I know how far you’ll fall.

You look around you, at all the people,

You just don’t see at all.

I have a favour,

It’s just one favour.

I have a favour,

Could you get out of my head?

I don’t need to think about that time and place,

Oh, all the things I’ve said.

Could you get out of my head?

I’m dreaming of you, you’re so invasive.

I miss kissing you

I miss having someone to kiss

I miss the feeling of being pulled to you

How you stole my breath

You thought I was nervous

I just hadn’t been touched in so long

The moment our skin touched for the first time in weeks was the moment I touched someone for the first time in weeks

I miss having someone to talk to

I miss having anyone to talk to

I miss trying to talk you into wanting me

I miss trying to tell myself every little thing meant nothing while every thing meant everything to me

And I have no one left now

No one like you

I miss having you temporarily

Changing reality is not hard.

Hear a lie, treat it as truth, even though you know they’re lying to you.

Alter your past to fit the lie

If you challenge it they will leave

That’s why

Overlook every story and tale that doesn’t quite fit.

Don’t question hyperbole, don’t question it.

Even if you were there,

You lived it,

Alter just in case

Cut out the truth, put the lies in its place

Especially if it makes you look worse than the truth would say

Because I just don’t want anyone to go away

Is it ironic that he’s my Plan B?

The sirens wail.

Off into the distance where no sound is carried a red that can’t be compared.

Somewhere far away where every day is silent.

Except the wind. The sand whipping.

I already miss you

The rain makes it harder you are there but I can’t see you and

Did you know a lack of object permanence signifies a lack of appropriate nurture between the ages of 2 and 8?

During that time you were supposed to learn that those who leave come back and exist outside your field of consciousness.

Did you?

I didn’t

Entering the space where

So fucking much

Is going on around me just so far away

Just do

Do do do do do

Do do do do

It looks like it should say doh as in a deer a female deer.

If there was a place I could find where all the thoughts just

Came but there was someone to hide in to keep them at bay and say

At least I have one person, you haven’t beat away from me yet

But I’m at zero

Not at one

And I can’t do this again.

I don’t know why it still calls.

It’s not remembering it’s just familiar

I already did that

Why are you still here?

Struggling forward in this nothingness that just never ends

I believed he could love me

I believed we could be best friends

I believed we were connected somehow and the reason I always felt drawn to him would be gone

Always staring in his direction

From when I was young

If the story continues like this

Eventually I just won’t care anymore.

It will just be words no and I already did

I’m so tired.

None of these questions will ever have answers because the answer to all of them was him until he

Wasn’t

What I wanted, what I thought.

He couldn’t even open up the door.

And I just want to die

Put your arms around me

I wish I could