Elucidating Questions

December 2017,
He didn’t even know how to feel anymore. His brain never left him alone. Always repeating the same thing.

What a terrible person you are, you don’t deserve to be here, shut up.

Who should shut up? Why did his mind hate him so much? Why did no one else have to hear about how much their own mind hated him all the time?

How was he supposed to feel love for himself when his mind wanted to remind him about a time when he made a fool of himself in 4th grade instead?

Always being reminded about how everyone deserved happiness, but him. Where was self love supposed to be between his mind telling him he deserved to be erased?

He craved peace. More than anything he wished for silence. Every day he fought his own brain.

“You should just die.”
“Maybe later.”
“You don’t deserve happiness.”
“I know.”
“You’re a terrible person.”
“I’m sorry.”

Once he had argued back, but he was tired. Surely if his brain had years of reasons why he was terrible, didn’t deserve happiness, and should die, how could he argue?

But every day, even if he wasn’t able to put up a real fight anymore, he still put up resistance. Every night he went to bed and prayed for peace.

In this place of empty mornings

My eyes trick me because they can

Until I touch it he could have said something

Until I look he could have said something.

But nothing came as usual.

The emptiness sinks in complete

I have to make the best of it, put on my face and act around everyone else like everything is okay.

The only ones who know about him don’t understand because they

Because I am a stranger.

I wish there was someone I could talk to

To tell this story to from start to finish

But who can tell a story with no memory of the details?

It doesn’t matter.

I met him. I loved him.

I had never had feelings like I had for him for anyone who wasn’t miles away I didn’t know how to do it

I tried to give him treats or talk to him or anything

He never showed interest. I always watched feeling left out and forgotten

Because he was always interested in anyone else

But I tried to keep him

Now he’s gone

But I don’t trust my memory from this moment on

Because he told me a story about how he’d tried so hard with me and I am the failure

I am the failure of this story.

I wasn’t good enough to him.

I was shooting above my place.

He’s better than me. He’ll always be better than me.

He gets to go live his life happily

He’ll be happy

I get to watch

I always get to watch.

The pain is a shallow blackhole that everything is swallowed into

An all encompassing nothing that never seems to find an end

Every thing that could be thought of everything that could make it worth living a little bit longer because it hurt so much

Started at one

Should have known better

When the first hundred things were vetoed by reality

When reality came inside and said

Not today

Not tomorrow

Never

There’s no getting better one year ago

It wasn’t worth it

Oh and the only one you wanted to care doesn’t

The only one you needed to care doesn’t

On the bright side nothing phases him in the slightest

Both so completely unaffected by my life

I wish he hadn’t saved it.

I went on a journey in search

It was true

There is no Mario in the wild

In the wild there is only the rattling of my brain inside the cage

Only the grasp of my lungs on the air unable to escape

There is only the way in which the wind binds the trees in unseeable shackles

To its whim

I am relieved

That I am not the only one who wanders the trails of yesterday.

But in them finds the sands that still whisper

Fuck the whispering is back and it’s distracting

Like the sound of

A voice whose words you can’t hear but the tone of them tells that sounds are being made

But there’s no place but the wild I will ever feel safe

But I so rarely get there.

I saw it.

I thought it was cruel.

Who said having kids was the only way to leave a legacy?

Who said he had to get married?

It would be better if he could heal so he could find someone to love him so completely that he has only happy days every day is something

Worth it

But that only applies if his life is like mine and he craves

Needs

Love to live.

I don’t know that

And I love him so it makes it sound like I’d benefit

But I just wish

His next song didn’t have to be about

Pain that he’s been living with without

For a decade or so

I hear the whispering of the tides

Didn’t end didn’t end the end of

But I love you I

So I’ll drop it

I’ll drop everything

I just need a drink

Just don’t tell them

You don’t have to tell them

Don’t tell them anything

He told me many times to start

But no I wanted to be brave

And ha! how foolish being brave is

And no

Don’t read it wrong

The question is

Am I wrong?

Don’t share it don’t do anything.

Yeah I could have done that but I wanted to

Do something accomplish something make my life worth living

It’s worse now than it was then

If I could take it all back and just

Never have said or felt anything at all and just kept it silent and to myself and

I honestly don’t know

What would have happened

But there’s a chance it would have been better

I look back now at myself in hopes as always that I can say

It gets better

But I can’t.

There is no thing that could happen that would make

My life better this year

My life

I didn’t say

Moment it will fade away soon it was a nice moment but it will be gone soon

If my life was better maybe I’d have a mind strong enough

To remember

The nice moments

Because they’re so few and I wish

Days didn’t go between them.