Poetry
This is the general category of fuckery that goes on and on and doesn’t seem interested in stopping.
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I don’t know why it still calls.
It’s not remembering it’s just familiar
I already did that
Why are you still here?
Struggling forward in this nothingness that just never ends
I believed he could love me
I believed we could be best friends
I believed we were connected somehow and the reason I always felt drawn to him would be gone
Always staring in his direction
From when I was young
If the story continues like this
Eventually I just won’t care anymore.
It will just be words no and I already did
I’m so tired.
None of these questions will ever have answers because the answer to all of them was him until he
Wasn’t
What I wanted, what I thought.
He couldn’t even open up the door.
And I just want to die
Put your arms around me
I wish I could
No comments on -
I feel so awful
He’s clearly in withdrawal and I wish I could make it better easier
He keeps jerking.
I wish I could hug him and say I care and that he’s okay.
But he probably wouldn’t want that anyway.
He’s burning, I can feel this prickling on my entire right side.
I wish I could fix it.
I wish I could just
Just fix it.
I wish I could make a world where you don’t need that stuff.
I wish this was that kind of world.
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I’m here if you’re lonely
I’m here if you need someone, anyone.
I’m here if you’re alone and you just can’t take it anymore.
I’ll always be waiting,
I’ll always want to be the one who’s waiting because everyone needs someone to wait for them to need them
I don’t care what happened yesterday
If you need me I’m here.
Every day is my last day
If you need someone and you’re yearning
I’ll be here
I’m always here.
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Secrets,
Secrets, they told you, would make you more lonely
But it was a lie
They said you can tell all your secrets to your best friend
But that person never came.
They said don’t be lonely share your secrets you’ll feel lighter
More connected
Free.
In only the way that I am lighter by fading
Connected steadfast to the silence of the secrets
Free of all the people who I told the secret to
I’ve been insane with my secret
For over twenty years.
They turn to me and say
Get help
Talk to a professional
But I didn’t say I needed help with my secret
My secrets and me we need help with fighting these demons
Anything
So when they told you to share your secrets
They wanted you to end up alone
Alone again in the dark
With your secrets to keep you home.
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The rest of the book is empty.
I tore every page I wrote about him out.
Somewhere they rot.
Just like the hours I spent trying to connect to him and make him feel loved.
He grinned and said,
I have more followers. I don’t need you.
Because I am replaceable.
Because if I go there’s half a million more where that came from.
There’s more so why fill the fucking pages
I remember the sheet from my 27th birthday well.
The book is still dirty from when I threw it in the mud and cried alone under a tree.
But I threw it out.
I tried to set out on a journey to make him feel loved and wanted and he said
I don’t need you
And
What could I possibly gain from knowing someone like you?
And I said tears. I said months and months and months of tears.
That book was supposed to be what I gave you to fill you in on every little thing
But you wouldn’t accept it and so I tried to explain what was in it
Everything I did was to try and show you I was an honest person who wouldn’t hide anything from you who loved you so much and wanted to make you feel wanted
You couldn’t even be bothered to click a heart on my twitter post pretending you read it.
Just like him.
Maybe it’s you two who are meant for each other.
Maybe you and the wolf should go live happily ever after and I was just here to deliver the message.
Maybe you just hate me on principle and I will never understand
I want it to be my time of dying so I don’t have to live through the “until it gets better” because he tore my heart and I passed it to you without even looking at it and you
Wouldn’t even look as I passed it to you
And it fell to the ground.
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I know you don’t do favours.
You don’t do much at all.
Wait for you, on the steps.
I didn’t expect to fall.
Into my life and out again, all without a care.
Dropped me off, now I’m here alone, though you’re standing right there.
Don’t need to hear the words that were said.
Don’t need to be reminded of the time and place
I first saw your face.
Do you ever dream? I do.
I dream of you and all the things we could do.
Elucidating Questions 