Elucidating Questions

The cat wants out.

He’s clawing at the back of my head like

You coward you coward

My ear is ringing like a loud sound hit it

So he’s yelling but

He says

Come back and face me

He yells while running backwards

Every time he’s come in screaming it’s been in tears so desperate to get anything

I’ll hurt you if I have to

He says I’m irrational

Why are you screaming?

In tears he wanted to fight you.

He’s not very good at fighting.

I haven’t drunk yet

Not drunk just high and so I’m separate

I can watch him

Kind of.

What’s too small?

I am?

My dick?

Your dick?

The hole?

The door?

What?

What is too small?

The scale.

The scale is too small.

You’ve weighed the benefits and drawbacks and decided it’s too small?

Or do you lit…

Literally…

Yes.

He is too fucking thin again.

I am.

Well.

Aware.

Now oh

The cat thinks you’re a coward because he wanted to fight you about how you’re far too thin but you won’t even face him and he’s angry you’re making him worry while also ignoring him still and making him think you’re getting sick again while drinking off in Mexico.

Tada.

I’m getting drunk.

This is the song that never ends

I still miss him

How can I still miss him

Stop yearning stop longing stop it this instant

How am I supposed to sort through an entire year of silence?

Sifting through clear nothing like trying to catch the moonbeam in your hand

By the way

Hold your hands under water under the moon

Duh.

How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?

Put a God damn dome over it.

Duh.

Sifting through it.

It just throws up other things

Mexico

Touring all summer

Byeeee

I still love her

I still miss him

Even though he still loves her

I hear my thoughts ringing in the silence

The farther away you are the closer you feel

Even loneliness changes to strength when I think of you

I miss

That feeling

I miss

I wonder where you are and what you are doing now, if you are here underneath this far reaching sky.

I miss him

Because I miss how I used to see him

And I’m so tired of lines

And between

And signs

And one more day

And tomorrow might be good for something

The moment you almost make a coworker cry because

You know

And you didn’t mean to but you wanted to know

Him

Once I heard someone had told someone else that I’m unique.

Special.

That there’s something

About me

But this silence

In this place where I’ve been stood for a year

Tells a different story

And the rain begins to fall

And Hermes says it all

Because I brought up war again

Because it’s war.

Just not here.

Just not yet.

And the canons go

It’s still woven into my speech,

But I don’t.

I hope I get to work on time

I hope I catch the bus

I hope my beautiful ice dancing prince will get through his season without the fucking bitches

You know them

There are three

Getting involved.

Unfortunately

Unfortunately

Unfortunately

But,

I’m not disappointed.

What a surprise

It’s not.

It’s not I’m lying.

The stupid fucking bitches hurt his ankle and made him unable to skate

So I don’t get to see

Hehe

The last reason I kept fighting through May on

I wish I could go back in time and laugh in my face for all the times I thought

At least I will get to see Yuzuru.

I’ll never get to see Josh

At least Yuzuru.

I said at least.

At least is just as bad as

This can’t possibly get any worse.

Fuck

Fate

I never thought I’d feel like I could kill someone

But if any one of the three fucking bitches

Was in reach?

I’d try to kill them just so they would kill me.

Fuck you ugly old croons and your fucking tapestry.

Fuck you.

FUCK FATE

The phone rings

It’s never anything.

Back in February when I was sitting by the phone thinking

He will call at any minute

Bouncing

Excited

Anxious in the good way

期待してる

A word I’m missing

Expectant?

I don’t know why I believed it

I don’t know why

I don’t know why all of my written things hidden in the hard drive

Why they start about him again

December

I don’t remember

January

Want to come to Hedley?

Because he wouldn’t and I didn’t want to go alone and I wanted to show you a good time like you showed me

Shut up

It’s the balance thing.

The balance thing you never fucking read.

You never read any of it.

Why?

No, nevermind.

It gets me every time

604

Is it?

No.

He’s probably 778 or some special “I’m famous” area code like 666 or fuck you that’s 3825 968

Automated voice call

Hello,

I heard you wanted someone to call you,

So the universe set up this automated call

Press one to speak to no one, and give your money to a scammer.

At least someone called you.

You should be grateful someone

Called you

Even if it was just a little machine.

You’re wrong

604

You’re wrong

You don’t get what you give I have no reason to live I don’t want to keep holding on me not being here works out perfectly because then no one will ever have to see me

And I

Won’t need anyone to see.

And he will still be in Mexico

And I will still be here

That he’s there

And I’m here

I won’t forget it ever.

604

Dead light wars.

So Star Wars.

I wish I wasn’t going home to cry myself to sleep.

All the music keeps picking on me mommy

I just want someone to be nice to me

Someone who I’m not afraid of

I know

I know that’s too much to ask

I’m sorry.

I’m such a selfish rotten child.

When this started

Call Me Maybe

Was mine.

It was mine in a way no song ever belonged to anyone before

In that the esoteric wasn’t so esoteric.

Where I had foresight and it was real but

Come dance with me

Call me maybe

Come sing with me

Call me maybe

I love you

Call me maybe

Slowly

It twisted.

And over and over 604 calls but it’s not him and it’s always at the moment when I most needed it to be him

But it wasn’t.

It’s a joke.

On my life.

My life as a joke.

Call me maybe.

Did you know that one half of maybe is never?

I didn’t.

I didn’t think of it.

But no one else wants me and I tried to make that clear so why would you want me if no one else wants me

I’m not one of the popular kids.

I’m a whisper in the dark.

That you try to tell yourself was the wind.

Call me maybe now just

Sounds like keep holding on

Like a joke because if it’s meant to be it’ll work out and

I guess that means I’m just meant to be alone because being alone always works out for me I’ll be alone all tomorrow and all Saturday and all Sunday and all Monday and Tuesday too so I suppose

Call me maybe wasn’t meant to be

And being alone is just for me.

Start with

Still preoccupied with 1985.

Your total is 19.85.

Throw in

Keep holding on if it’s destiny it’ll work keep holding on I

Keep holding on we will make it through

I don’t believe but it hurts and it’s because

Want to cry oh fuck it’s coming fuck

Don’t
Fucking believe

Call me maybe

I hate my life.

I hate my life.

NINETEEN EIGHTY FIVE IS HIS BIRTH YEAR SO I KNEW IT WAS COMING BUT FUCK YOU.

I miss you every day but the results are the same and I don’t still love you the same.

It’s like a build up.

Sometimes it’s just a song or what next comes out of someone’s mouth or the song in the radio.

Sometimes it’s all of this.

Always about him.

Everything is always about him.

And it always hurts.

And it’s always

About him.

Have a good day. Your meal will be at the next window.

SO MAKE THE BEST OF THIS TEST AND DON’T ASK WHY

It’s not fucking unpredictable

I HOPE YOU HAD THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE

604 number call.