Elucidating Questions

Don’t run just

walk

Slowly in space

lost

Billions of uncontrollable things

inconsequential

The following of a life

continuing

In a loveless, empty, direction

dark, hollow

Why do you sound like an old American dude from Boston?

Sometimes you have to sound like -it’s an Italian American from Boston

Police department say what?

No you can be the new police department thieves would know how to catch thieves best but they would also know what in this world causes them

Spontaneous evil versus necessary evil

And what not

No seriously what are you doing?

Oh now he’s pouting

He doesn’t wanna be a police department

No neither does he, but that’s what he is

How awful for him to be that

Justice

How unfortunate

I’m still gonna eat though cause I’m hungry and it’s fun

I feel like my missing organ is missing

What does that even feel like to someone who’s never felt outside themselves

No I got bored when you opened your mouth and I realised what would come out would be a lie so

Don’t expect me to believe you

I’m not happy

So I don’t know and don’t want to show it

You know there’s nothing quite like looking at how awful it all is and deciding that the best course of action is to stand at a register hoping small animals have good homes forever

If it’s not dolphin size it’s a small animal

No you’d need two large dogs with long noses to make a dolphin

No I’m covering up the pain that thought gave me in an indecipherable code

My body keeps doing these things but I don’t really feel

Here you know

Like everything just

Isn’t going to matter

So just do whatever happens

It’s just a little bit too dark in here to really call this flash “hope”

I quite honestly don’t remember what happened from last mid? March until May 31st.

I have no idea what happened here

I suppose I’ll have to play to find out

God I hate your fucking games

But I hate the way you felt just then even more

He’s tall and British and lanky and has black hair with blue streaks

Oh and as it happens as it happens

It’s just part of the game of showing me who and what I can’t have

Pieces of what would be right out of my reach

And he’s got that thing that makes it pull for a moment as I struggle with the

Well it’s just a character

But he’s

Shh

And I

Duh

And ticking off boxes like it’s a sheet of paper in my head the litmus test of

He’s not real so he can’t hurt me and I can get attached without hurting him

Shows up every once in a while to stir the pot and then leaves

Can’t complain it’s what I get but it’s not right

Always on the other side

Always a wall

And as my mind goes through all the right answers

It wonders why it’s always to watch never interact

Somehow it feels like

Those who don’t exist are more likely to reply than those who do

Where’s three

I see two

And I thought you’d feel the same as me

But how foolish it seems

Coming out of the bushes and bouncing around

Naturally uninteresting

My apologies

Sorry sorry sorry

And I didn’t think there was a way

That you couldn’t see

But that’s the fault of the seer not the seen

Perhaps in one year’s time all I learned was what is so out of my reach that it doesn’t matter

Perhaps I just learned how lost I was

You should know me by now but that’s only in my mind

I should know you but it’s only in my heart

There’s no matter worth more than the matter of you being near

So if moot is a point then there it is

As long as you’re somewhere

Shouldn’t that be enough?

But how far to go before it starts to feel like I didn’t fail it all

No I need you

I don’t know why but I can’t hear anything else

It just goes like this

So no I can’t just go

Guilt is my M.O.

Oh and I always will do this

I don’t think you understand

How important you are to me

That I can’t even imagine a day without you

And to live one wouldn’t be

Likewise I stand on the other side of the glass looking in and knowing

I can’t be nearly as important as this artwork dancing in the gallery

Can too

Fuck, and my mind goes to shots of your adorable dancing

I don’t

No one wants to see this move but there beyond the wall

Is every second I’m missing in a life where I’m not welcome

You’re fine

You’ll be fine

Get some sleep and いってらしゃい

And I know it’s nothing

But I love you

It’s fitting that it’s following following this change

Because there’s always an element of him in everything I do

Because I’ll be living through another video again but this time I saw the signs and chose it

Here’s a list

My landlords

Animals

The sky

The moon

The earth

The star

The other stars

The planets

And rocks and rocks and rocks

You

Jaded Rose

Shorter but including the main offenders

And owl

There’s the list

Kay so it’s midnight

Midnight midnight they are breathing

And the terror grips suddenly all at once like a

If I die it all goes away

All what

All this

All everything

What if it ends with nothing

And the grip of fear that slips in suddenly I’m afraid

Where did you come from?

Where have you been?

Fear of death

Not you dear you’re a metaphor and a planet

Sobering sobering

Just breathe you’re not dying now

For fuck’s sake

Crying because is this really all my life will be?

One life you get

To remember

I wish I knew why I think he hates me

I wish I knew how he felt and why

I can’t understand this

How can such contradictory beings exist in one shell

Sunday I was in love*

*again

But it wasn’t the sweet pure love of before where everything could happen

So I don’t know what it is

Did you think I couldn’t hear you

It’s always about her

I remember so fucking clearly

The moment I felt like you let go

And what the reason was

But it doesn’t amount to anything

Any of it just silence in the ruins of a land gone before time could try it

Gone before a darkness that settles over it

Chasing my tail

I wish I could just

Sleep until it got better

Hey it’s just so hard to not hear how everyone hates you every day when your only companion tells you so over and over

Again

Naming the demons and the diseases doesn’t change the fact that the terrible things that get thrown have become the things thrown at me by the terrible

Sharp objects in the form of words

It doesn’t even matter if I’m not a liar if I am trying my best if I’m trying to be as good as I can be

My biggest support

Is the one throwing tomatoes from the stands because there is no support

Just the face underneath my skin

The one that laughs every time I believe anything

Or feel anything

I can never be sure because this unreal coincidence stuff just exists in parallel to the thoughts that wander

Filling the halls with rasping gasping breath

One more one last try

Straight from a seven to a nine.

I wish I could call you valentine.

I wish I wasn’t alone tonight.