Elucidating Questions

It comes from deep in my head

Up side my head

Still want to see you

Still want to meet you

Still want to help you

Still want to hold you

Silence

It’s not silence when the music is playing softly in the background

How does it keep within?

These feelings never end

I could sit with one thousand Oaks

Would you be nearer then?

You remain my pain

My pain

But I’ll take it knowing you’re living better

Maybe I’ll take it knowing you’re better off

Maybe I’ll just take it and take it

And shake it then shake it

Maybe you’ll find pleasure in the pain

Maybe

I’ll still want you

Finally to be able to call Astoria home again

Eyes closed

No words

No words

A world where everything is how I left it

Where I can recognise each sound

Sliding about on notes and beats

Standing among the whispers that are my own

It’s mine

Asked for permission and silence tore it apart

Yet here is an answer that screams from my heart

This is the place I can call home

Safely tucked into each piece

Until it’s gone

I’m waiting for him to hit it

I’ve turned the other cheek

Knowing it is merely an invitation to be

Taken advantage of again

Ready and willing I know he’ll do it again

Aware I’m very stuck until I can find a way out

When every one else’s answer is clear

I turn to you and turn the cheek

Because it’s what you would do

If only if only

I find myself wishing I could repeat it

I’m not the one wanting to hurt you

I’m not the one wanting

But useless

How can I see through fair eyes only this world that isn’t what I meant it to be?

You, and You

You make me, in wanting to reach you, cut out little shapes in the paper and throw the dust upon you

Happier skies over there over there

So near yet far beyond ever coming within my grasp

I imagine our first meeting

As you revealing it’s not our first meeting

Implied reading

The way there’s no time

And you had no time for me

Expectations and pretences dripping

So there

So there

Would that have been different if this is the same?

Welcome

Oh welcome

Let me adorn you with praise and acceptance

While you decide how I should behave a live and react

Welcome welcome

Just another person who thinks they know the me

So there

So there

The backwards mirror

Showing me how it feels

When I already knew

Is this karma or just how my life goes?

Demanding

Always of me

Yet if I was to make demands they shut off shun me speak their cruel barbs and leave

So there

So there

Yet if there was one thing to be learnt it is that no matter what

It’s just people soliciting you for their own self indulgence

So there

So there

If only you were fucking kidding me

I tried to come with no pretences

They find me

The first days in a new sky

The worst and most uncomfortable

When missing Sirius

When missing Orion

When the twins no longer say good morning and goodnight

Sitting under the light the night is far away

His brightness should be enough I shouldn’t stray

Yet I find myself wandering still

Seeking other lights under his glow

Does he seek my wanting?

Does he seek my loving?

Even now over my shoulder

He’s found his way onto the screen

Blinding me backwards

Stubbornly reaching my eyes despite my about face

Sol though Sol

My daylight companion

One

And then millions

Can’t you hear their chorus?

Does your light shine too bright to see them?

Do you recognise

Do you see the lights?

In daylight I still know they are

They are

If they aren’t they will be

Somewhere a swan a bear a spoon

I’m dreaming of winter skies