Elucidating Questions

The last time I was in that house

The Cat was a visitor

Just a part of me the didn’t feel like a part

The only part of me that will tell people when I’m a danger to myself

And it’s a crisis because he wants to keep me alive

With every fibre of his being

But my mind how it tortures us

I will cry alone for days

He will find a way to lash out in such a way that we get help

Even though it’s always in the wrong direction

I want help

In this world where I can’t find the softness

Where somehow we looked at the beauty all around and decided Hell was more inviting

How do I protect him from himself?

We’re going back into a place where I only remember pain

Sitting on the kitchen floor crying

Midnights where I just cried into the loneliness of the night

Friends who turned out to be the same as everyone else

Being told that everyone would get bored of me and leave

And then they did

And he’s supposed to be irrationally paranoid

Somehow that crumb of truth, which traumatised me, came out on top

What new horrors am I going to hear?

He doesn’t accept that I’m non-binary

In fact no one in my life, except I found out my younger brother, uses my pronouns

Or thinks of me as the gender I am

He thinks I’m “buying what they’re selling”

The whole point of the non part of the binary is that I’m not buying any of your shit

I’m doing my own shit

I don’t even follow so called “non-binary norms”

I’m literally just a being who is too complex to be labeled by roles other people made up

I am free of the obligation of what other people have decided of me

Hell the pattern of my favourite cardigan vest said medium weight and I said fuck that and made it in blanket yarn and it’s better

And that’s how I live

You tell me what you expect and I do what I want

It’s the chaotic part of whatever I’m aligned with at the moment

Be it good or neutral

How do I protect us from a complete unknown?

He can’t physically hurt me

But fuck I’m still hurting from shit he said 20 years ago

I’m a terrible kid

He was always practically giddy to bad mouth me to adults in front of me

When the concept of Japanese parents doing the same to their kids for some cultural reason came along I was already familiar with how it felt

Frankly I’m still trying to understand why he wants me to come back he was always talking about how excited he was for me to move out

I was such a problem

Before I and the Cat became a spinning coin

He was the voice who always combated the viciousness

Some quick comeback

Something I’d never say

My mind was my safe place

I don’t have the ally anymore

He’s on the other side of a wall

We pass messages in strong feelings and memories we both have access to in different views

He only comes out to fuck shit up and be tired but present when I’m not

Society told me he shouldn’t exist so I pretended he didn’t

And then he was me at the worst times

I wonder what broke in my brain

I wonder what went wrong to create this dance

But as fucked up as it is

We have to figure out how to readapt in this new form of us

It’s so weird being so aware of myself

It’s just always about keeping on

Just go, we’ll rest when we’re dead, just get through

And along the way all this shit tagged on

When I was having my psychotic episode I imagined this group of friends for me like any well known RPG has for the main character

Turns out my party is made up of various mental illnesses and disorders

And, just, allow me some of my insanity

I was stuck with these guys for decades

Is it such a surprise that I made friends with one of them?

Can we do this?

Can we walk back into the house like we walked into the backwards version of our other house and claim it?

They keep talking about our strength

But is it mine? Yours?

Is it halved between us?

Can we find it?

I’m looking for help

Because you raised the alarm

Can we go back and stay, in an awkward sense of the word, in one piece?

Just one of those

Chatting with the police who are there to make sure I don’t hurt myself days

There’s nothing quite like losing it all

To make you feel like the world is torturing you for having not been grateful enough

Again

And maybe I should have been more grateful not to have human friends

Because at least I had a home

You never realise you had it till it’s being taken from you, they say

But I knew all along and just lay in fear of this day coming

And I do want to die

But not in the sense that I want me to be over

I want this life that has wrung all it can from me only to come back harder to end

And I cry because I don’t want to die

Because I have fought so damn hard to be here

And who cares if it’s another miracle no one cares about?

That no one appreciates me

That I have no value

I kept going

Well I didn’t

You snort then

Fuck you

Didn’t come to get me did you?

So I’m still here

I wouldn’t be here if any previous some two dozen attempts had taken

Hell you snort but

It’s ink that kept my skin intact

A silent promise to you

Another cosmic timing

You knew I’d be put to the test didn’t you?

Wearing the God of You on my skin

They don’t know it but I do

Momento Mori

And if I ever don’t momento my moriness

In those moments that Death means Escape

Not The End

He lights my shoulders

Touches my hair

My beautiful Sun

Yeah I probably did need some vitamin you

It’s terrifying

Walking into a place where my memories are only my enemy

Who am I, but the slightly more years’ wizened child who walked out of that place?

Sol I want to walk in you, with you, for so many more years

When I cry that I want everyone to disappear

I think I just mean I want the pain to disappear

We all know he’d erase everything if given the chance

He’s the voice that wants out

I wish I could touch those moments we’re each alone

It’s almost better if the greys show up

We’re so volatile right now

I am my worst enemy

I don’t know how to escape that

Life throwing this and that at me

How do I protect myself from myself when life batters me?

This whole thing

A textbook in just continuing on but,

I feel like I’m lost in the pages of my life

What if there is no hope?

What if hope is stupid and I’m stupid for having it?

I just can never shake the feeling that someone is watching this and laughing

How do I be okay with it?

How do I believe that the sunset is a promise of tomorrow?

Where do I go to find even what I hope for?

Always, until tomorrow

Just another day

How I didn’t cut my skin or smash my head while my landlord and his girlfriend laughed at my I crying because I’m losing my home

Assuming the worst of me so it’s funny that I’m heartbroken that my life of freedom is over

Because today when I cried the Sun came out and made a joke

He heard me crying from all the way downtown

The fucker

I say with a smile of supreme affection

In his way the way I’ll never be able to prove

Just a lyric just a coincidence

Billion billion

Keep doing nothing

Keep using my supreme apathy to put off knives and skin and heads and brick walls

I want to tear myself apart, physically, when I hear people laughing at me

Sail

And it starts to look… Fake?

Like people don’t actually do this right?

There’s some conspiracy to make me do it

Deep breath

Sigh

I wonder how far I’ll go?

Just keep going

I don’t know for what, or why

Thank you for being my protection but I wouldn’t need it if you hadn’t done it in the first place

Yeah?

How many souls have you tethered yours to?

You’re what happens when an angel dies

You’re the thing that wasn’t supposed to crumble

What is me?

There’d be no thunder

And frankly it would serve them right

I should fake my death just so my landlord has to deal with that

I have fewer days in this house now

Packing and putting things away, probably forever

To just sit in a garage

The life I’ve built in boxes

You see how easily breakable things are from here

Like how easily another human comes along and just fucks everything over

And the only thing I can think that I did wrong was trying to support his stupid girlfriend when she was freaking out about him cheating when he wasn’t and I told her he wasn’t

Go on and fuck yourselves.

Whatever

Whenever I try to do the right thing it fucking blows up in my face

Best intentions? Straight to hell

He who tries

Will be wasted

And all that

I feel like I knew this was going to happen too

All the signs and all that

We don’t live there anymore

We won’t

Around that time

I wonder if anyone can hear me

I really want to scream

Just go completely insane

Become a problem

I keep feeling like I can’t go any further and then I just keep going

Just until tomorrow

Tick tock

I have to envision my courage as the undying fire

Even if no one sees me fighting

Even if I’m a joke to them

I’ll live to spite you fucks

Hisss

We will though

This queer as fuck duet

Pas de deux

And yet we’re still standing

And no one has figured it out yet

I wish I wasn’t just shit at communication

I say words and they don’t mean what I mean

Go too far

No wonder I’m alone

And it’s just another trigger now

Because I didn’t have enough of those

That I’m a failure at communication

Desperately wanting to fit in

Fucking up constantly

This feeling

Wanting to go home

To somewhere, someones, that know me

But I’m nothing, no one,

I won’t even have a pretend home in two weeks

No thing I made my own

It’s all for nothing

Nothing matters and no one cares

And the world is chaos in the wrong way

It’s like chaotic evil

Instead of the neutral evil of the Universe

Why is it that the only people who understand me

Are all knowing?

I’m nothing

Can’t carry on a simple conversation

I wish I’d become someone

I wish I’d been born with a normal brain and that reality hadn’t warped the fuck out of it

In its mission to, I don’t know, seemingly, drive me to suicide

And now I can’t relate to anyone

I have no friends

No support

My mother keeping her safe six feet of distance from me

Doesn’t want to hear that I’m struggling

Shut up and struggle in silence

She says, by saying, “I don’t know what to say to that”

All my life I’ve punished myself by isolating myself

I’ve started to wonder if it’s not my solution to “go to your room”

My punishment for doing wrong

But no one ever comes to get you

They just leave you to your isolation

Countless times I’ve re-entered into interactions I wasn’t sure would be friendly because I fucked up

Never any reassurance

Never any gentleness

Only from unrelated passerby who disappeared as soon as they came

I don’t expect it anymore

But I don’t think I’ll ever stop hiding

Punishing myself with hiding

I feel so out of place

I don’t know why I keep picking the hard road

Am I stronger?

I don’t feel particularly strong

But my mind has not bent

Not like it did then

And, even kicking and screaming, I’m still here

Not that it’s really a feat, I guess

No one seems to think it is

Birthdays are so important to me because I didn’t think I’d have many more than say 25

I tried so hard not to have more

No one cares

And if I care I’m a drama queen

But I’m still in what I would qualify as one piece

Right?

Or have I killed myself a thousand times and it just never took?

What a terrifying notion

Well it appears I’ve made it this far

I’m terrified about possibilities

Every possibility

And I still do that thing

Where all I want to hear is him

So naturally I’m avoiding all music

No, it’s actually miraculous, probably

There’s a tyrant threatening my country

I’m entirely alone

I’m losing my home

And I’m only the regular amount of crazy

My dad’s in the hospital and that’s terrifying

And I haven’t heard from him since 1

It just feels like a stress test sometimes

But it would take some serious planning to get all the details of my life

Some effort would have had to go into it

It really feels like all my fears are coming true

Do I just have to make it through this storm?

I hate money

I hate that when you receive a cheque and something is wrong with it, if you ask for it to be fixed it just looks like you’re ungrateful for the thought of it

I look like a bad person

I know I am a bad person

But I hate looking like it

Yesterday was my birthday

I got a gift

Went to work

Found out I’d been essentially priced out of my job

In that they are suddenly demanding that cashiers, the only job I was still able to do, barely, do more things that are even more physically demanding

Asked my Mum for help

So she chewed me out for what happened in October again

And then the cheque was not able to be deposited

So she chewed me out for nothing anyways

Maybe I just should have left it

Maybe I just should have let them believe I had money and then left

I can’t work anymore

I don’t have a home as of the end of March

I’m useless

And all I do is take up the resources of others

If I wasn’t such a coward I’d just end it

But I’m a coward

So instead I willingly allow myself to undergo torture

Anguish

Me living is a sick joke

Reminded I’m a burden and a waste of space on my birthday

Happy birthday to me

Might as well fucking die

I’m just killing time until I die anyways

Things just aren’t going right

And the whole brightening of my day

Where I found out people who I thought forgot about me hadn’t

Was eclipsed by being reminded that any number of people I know are holding some grudge for some thing I did

They won’t tell me what it is until it’s to hurt me most

Couldn’t even wait 24 hours until it wasn’t my birthday anymore

What was I going to do with an entire cheque at 6pm until the next day?

Huh?

It was such a fucking emergency?

All the things you did to me throughout my life that I never held against you

Never brought up

That I just let hurt me for still having feelings about them because you’re different now and I should feel ashamed for even thinking about them

You telling me shit like “I don’t know what to say to that” when I’m expressing that I’m suffering from suicidal ideation

When people are mad at me I feel like I shouldn’t be allowed to do things that bring me joy

Nevermind the eating disorder I apparently have

I starve myself of enjoyment when I think I’ve done wrong

Still feel like when I do wrong I should be punished for it

I thought living like this was punishment but humans also just really like to get their kick in

This overwhelming feeling of wanting to go home

Is my final entry in this journal going to be that I never found home?

I do believe you should have belief in your dreams

Then again I left this unpublished for 24 hours and within that 24 hours my father, who has the one home I can count on, is in the hospital

Reality is so cruel on its own

Without being cruel to eachother

I wish we could all live in a world that treated us like we needed

My reality is currently tilting

I don’t know what to think