Elucidating Questions

As the days get longer

My time in this house grows shorter

The house I came to, crying every day

Sliced lifelines

The scars are covered up by Saturn but they poke out and I remember

So clearly how it felt

But I grew stronger and kept going

I slipped

Desperation for love and affection

Cocaine, Meth, Crack

A pillow in my face

I couldn’t breathe

But I grew stronger and kept going

As life gets harder for everyone

Those at the bottom are crushed

But I kept going damn it

One diagnosis, two

Sicker and sicker

I’m still fighting

But all that fighting was hinged on one thing

That I had a home

That I created a tiny world just for me where I could be safe

The walls are drawing in

I don’t know where I’m going

I know I stopped chasing light long ago but it’s incredible how dark it can get

That I’ve come up against every wave

Worse for wear

More exhausted

The well of a human body’s ability to be exhausted runs deep

How it just pulls you down

This desperate struggle

Is it even okay for me to imagine a place for me at the end of this?

Is it fair to a me who may not have that?

When the time comes

Always down to Fate

It always answers by dropping me a few pegs further down

In an “you’re safe, but it’s worse now” way

I’m so sick of worse

And they tell you to fight, but fighting makes people turn on you

What’s the point?

It’ll dare me

Someone will monologue at me about how awful I am and then ask for my opinion

Like I’m stupid

I’m not falling for making the situation worse with myself anymore

There wasn’t enough fight in me to take on the pressure of life and the pressure of other humans in the first place

Life is sick like that.

It’ll beat something out of you and then demand it

Life beat me up so badly I can’t work enough to dream of affording rent

Circumstances

Fucking circumstances

I know my best is easily 30% of what a normal person could offer

But I have no options

Haven’t worked in two weeks

I finally start feeling up to making a dent in my house

But it feels so futile to pack without knowing where I’m going

Am I packing to unpack or packing to put my stuff in a garage for a few years while I suffer?

It always felt like my destiny is to be dead or homeless

Like the Fates dangle me on an ever lengthening string over the embers of life

Where am I going?

Why is the infuriating answer “Home”?

Do you mean now or eventually you riddling mind fuck?

That’s when the silence comes in and I know that there’s no concrete answer as always

I don’t know when this fated meeting is happening

I hate mysteries

And life has made me hate surprises

Can you please tell me where I’m going?

I want to go somewhere where there’s no fight

It’s so easy, to imagine a life after death

A better life

But it started to feel to me like the easy way out

No?

No point fighting for the good in life because I’ll have it in death

And they live by it

I’ll find peace in death

Even if there is a paradise beyond my vision that holds all that rest

Why shouldn’t we try to attain a taste of it in living?

They’ve framed death in such a way that no matter what you do, if you apologise, you’re getting a reward at the end

Or, if things are going well for them it’s divinity

If things are going badly for others it’s the same

These beliefs seem to feed on making people as complacent as possible in life, because death is the real reward

If they just struggle a bit more there will be sweetness at the end worth the bitter, sweat, and pain

It seems like the coward’s cop-out to me

I’m getting rewarded no matter what so screw everything and everyone else

Doing things in life that will affect generations should be for the better

Yet it’s always about slowing down anything positive and charging ahead with anything negative

How many generations of do absolutely nothing because I’m going to heaven anyways bullshit people brought us here?

I want to do something

If there is a point to stand up and fight for life to be better it’s before the segregation camps start

But it has happened so many times in history

People just standing by

We cheer the ones that didn’t but won’t follow in those footsteps

If only I could lead a one person army

I found a word that breaks the a/an rule

So many broken rules in English and yet her people are so

Governed

Or insane

People should try my brand of insane it’s so much better

What is the point of life if we aren’t going to fight for someone else to have a better time than we did?

Hoping to possibly be relieved of some of the struggle yourself

The goal should be for everyone

The result can be individual relief from the stresses of life

We literally went “you know? Fighting for our lives in the jungle together is awful let’s do the exact same thing but in isolating cities”

Instead of trying to fix the fighting for their lives part

I like who I am when the looming threat of homelessness isn’t there

I want to fight for life to be better

For everyone

Is there a place I can go where I can be myself and there won’t be resounding repercussions because of it?

If I showed some selfishness that wouldn’t break a relationship

Or show some empathy without someone else deciding I’ve taken sides

That there has to be sides in the first place

It’s fun to touch it

In video games

Be a person who, though through trial and tribulation, the world opens for

There’s always a way

Always the right words to say

I want to go somewhere where no matter what comes out of my mouth I overcome it

Not doomed constantly

The last time I got evicted

And I moved in with a compulsive liar who told me she was a Yakuza wife and half Japanese

Who then made up a disease, told me she was going into basically hospice care, and forced me to move out and then blamed me when I did

And a sad man who wanted to leave his wife and for some reason got it in his head that they were going to get together

Gave up, threw a fit, moved out

And then I had a year long psychotic episode

So in terms of how I’m feeling

Like the dam is breaking

And I really just wish people would perceive my soul

Not this wretched body

Not the faults it creates in me

Quick to anger

I’m a fucking pin cushion, you try it

Quick to cry

Quick to defend myself because I’m terrified of other people

Every time I get comfortable I lose my footing

Who I really want to be

Is someone who speaks powerfully

Knows what I’m doing

In my dreams there’s him but there’s also a mission and a god to revive and I always seem to know where I’m going

Like no matter where I go something happens

What is this place of mindless wandering hoping Fate will smile upon you and you’ll run into the right person out of billions

Nevermind how untold numbers of others there could be out there

I feel like an alien on my own planet

I didn’t come from anywhere

There’s nowhere I can return to I can rightfully call home

No roots

I’m a tumbleweed

Though I suppose those came from somewhere natural as well

From the Earth

Oh Earth

I want to be a champion of you

A defender

I want to fight for my right to exist here because I was fucking born here damn it you don’t get to tell me I am unnatural

This planet is mine too

As much as I am hers

I fear never returning to her

Being kept in a box on a mantel

I’m outnumbered by people I don’t understand

That don’t understand me

And they and theirs have been telling me I was wrong or mistaken in so many ways

There’s a really angry part of me that wants to sit back and then scream I told you so when everything crumbles

Because I’ve been told I don’t belong so many times I may as well continue daydreaming about my place where people make sense

Fuck ’em, right?

But there are people who, who I still don’t fully understand, I want to preserve in this place

This beautiful nature and all she has created here

Surely humans have a place here

I, though I doubt I’m human anymore, have to protect everything with a role on this island

This land floating in the sea of space

Our beacon shining

Our cold, yet kind, guide by our side

I don’t know how you take in this place and not want to protect it

But how do I do more than escape?

Volcanoes rumbling

Dams bursting

All I know is that after the destruction of the Earth she creates

What shape is this cataclysm go

There are so many falsehoods I was taught in school

Like the Queen is a good guy

Indigenous people are protected

Canada is protected from monopolies

And “we learned from WWII and it will never be repeated”

I was assured that Remembrance Day was a fail-safe that could not be broken

We were forced to participate in school, right?

This fake participation

Like this was something everyone did

The numbers on Remembrance Day at the memorials should have told me

We learned

But does human memory only last a generation?

How does the world get in this state if “it will never be repeated”?

Like a vile cancer

It’s not drug users and petty crime criminals who should be in jail

Separated from society because they lost their privilege

Nazis should be

You’re gonna pressure people to be put into camps?

Well now you’re in one

Enjoy

I’m not a believer that we shouldn’t use their own game against them

Playing ball with these people has caused the world’s state of being

You let one in, they bring friends

Suddenly you’re a Nazi

I don’t know why people aren’t alarmed

Oh they’re just Nazis

The fuck?

Just?

Because Nazis have never been a danger in history before so we don’t know if they’re safe or not?

The actual ever loving fuck?

It just seems so stupid

And I maintain that I cannot be this much more intelligent than other people

I’ve been told my whole life I’m stupid and yet these are my peers

So many falsehoods

How did time not prove them wrong to everyone else?

It’s really hard to write right now

I feel like I’d just be repeating myself

Dreams fucked

Home gone

Will soon be homeless

Need a new job but do I start a job when I may leave the city in 2 months?

Loneliness

There is very little in my life to write that isn’t the panic I’m trying to pretend doesn’t exist

You know?

It’s hard to put pen to paper when the subject is just going to be the subject endlessly

Easier to hide from the way I’m shaking from anxiety over my home being gone soon

If I put it as far away from me as possible I can pretend it’s not there

And it can just effect my health instead

Do you know what tortures it is to experience my real emotions, here, alone?

Not an idea, most likely

And it gets hard to write when you’ve got these words playing in your head of someone taking offense with my poetry journal being about me

This is why I don’t do voice chats

When it’s words I can ignore them

When I hear them they play back in perfect stereo around me weeks later

If only the tinnitus would drown out my thoughts

Endless screeeeeeeeeeeeee

And I don’t even know when the scr was

So much to worry about

There is a chance I will not lose my animals

I’ve been living in that comfort where the anxiety of where that chance is can’t get me

Sitting there

Now I remember

How I’d offer to help and he’d refuse and then he’d tell other people how lazy I was

Do I want to go back to that house and remember why I am the way I am?

He’s cursing and grumbling and slamming things in the other room

He’s an old man now, I thought, nervously

He can’t hurt me anymore

Because that was it right?

All the slamming all the muttering and cursing

He was bigger than me and I was afraid of his rage

He spent so much time deriding me to others

It wasn’t so much what he said to my face

So much as what he said to others about me

Sometimes in front of me

I was an ungrateful child, who didn’t listen, never helped around the house, was just lazy in general

He never really saw the purpose in me watching anime (i.e. teaching myself a huge chunk of a language), or video gaming (the only socializing I could do that didn’t encur further ire of some sort)

He didn’t mind me wandering the streets at 3am though

Sigh

So many regrets

Men are a menace at 3am

And we just had food stolen from our hands

Scarred my sister emotionally, that was great

I digress

I don’t want to go back there

I feel like the black hole that’s going to swallow me has a face suddenly

The past is going to eat me alive.

It’s the one promise I can count on

Isn’t it?

If I feel uneasy, and say to the Sun

You’ll come back right?

He always will

Usually he says

I’m not going anywhere

But great beings don’t understand distance to something like me

Tiny and swallowed up the the Earth

Yet

When he returns he has this tinge

This “Come stand in me” tinge

Is it colour?

Is it the light missing the people it sees?

Whatever it is I oblige

Behind the tree

Will you be back before I move?

So uneasy these feet with no place to land

And I didn’t jump, the earth was taken from beneath my feet

I used to give my landlord a pass

He was decent and he was creating housing by having his basement for rent

It never occurred to me that after 7 years it would just be like

Yeah you’re out in four, three, two months

Unceremoniously tossed out

I keep begging out into the space around me

Someone find me something

But, you know, currently without what feels like a home because my was a home feels like it’s just slipped so far from my reach

I am now temporary and it will exist long past my exit

Not mine in the slightest

This illusion of possession

What I had fooled myself into feeling was mine was just another passing through moment

At least every Sun beam feels like home

Terrified of the unknown

I know what I imagine

It’ll only be worse

But I stand in the Sun

And it’s familiar, warm, excited to have found me

I can imagine it and it’s exactly that

Maybe because I’m remembering and not creating the future

How to?

Is it my fault for not knowing how to make it open in my vision?

If the future would open

I want to finally find home

Sorry Sol

Coming to you is coming home

But I can’t follow you to stay there