Elucidating Questions

Is it so strange that I don’t break?

That was aggressive

Others have been through worse

I should be able to handle everything coming at me

And I know I’m not them

Maybe I enjoy struggling

I don’t think I do

Untamed

That’s it

I may be broken, actually

Who knows

But it’s that fire I can’t explain

Did my genetic predispositions for physical strength manifest as this… This flame that reignites?

And I hate competition

No I guess I like competition that doesn’t end in tears and blood and sacrifices no one should have to make

Too violent

Barbaric

Upon which I should apologise to the Barbaros who just couldn’t fucking speak Greek

No word to say something mean didn’t come from originally saying it to someone who didn’t deserve it

So many negatives

If I could hear you it’s your own fault and not mine

So many problems at once

This nightmare of reality

To the Stars I said

The Universe, you guys, them (the planets)

You’re pretty great

But this little pocket of reality

It is a nightmare

If I knew I’d wake up from life maybe I’d be willing

Hmm

Weeks without a whisper and here’s the third

Who’s going to hold me up?

Angels and gods?

Mysterious moments?

I can’t do it

Miracles are something great people perform

Nothing

No one

And where is You exactly?

If only it was as easy as believing

Just fly

These stories of friendship and love don’t hit the same anymore

It feels like my life ended when I was diagnosed and I like stretched it out for a bit, refused to let go, then I got the second diagnosis

Nails in the coffin

Now I don’t know what I’m doing

And the world is ending

And people need someone to take charge and do something about it but the culture wars have divided the working class as intended

They just fall for everything

Every single time

Forgetting you exist should have made it better

Why does every day teach me of some new hell the humans have committed?

It’s so disheartening

And I’ve got my little cheer leader, Japanese media, to keep me going but hope is hard to hold when humans hinder harmony

I miss English

It’s fun to play with

Japanese is like that classically trained musician employing all the ancient techniques to be respected and dressed up for,

English is like a kid you know you play with sometimes and weird shit happens because kids are weird but you’re okay with it because they’re kids

Their imaginations are boundless

I just miss it.

Man, my life is in shambles

Thanks Dan

You know they’re already thinking about it here

How they can get that done too

As if some lines on a piece of paper can dictate the gender of thousands of people

You will never legislate me into unexistence

You can write what you want and say what you want but it won’t change who I am

Your opinion on my identity

Is as important as a grain of sand to the Universe

We know it’s there

It’s hardly worth worrying about

You never said that as I discovered who I was the world would turn against me and anyone else like me

It’s concerning

I don’t want to deal with hateful people

When they pass on the street

They seem so kind

No, I suppose polite is the word

I have to remember that people don’t live by the same laws of emotion as I do

I imagine it a great effort because it would be for me

Treating others how I want to be treated

Has ended up with me being abused a lot in my life

Treating others how they deserve

Well, that doesn’t work very well

People don’t like being treated how they deserve

To exist in peace

I feel so much concern for trans siblings in the United States right now

Life is about to get even harder than it already was

If it wasn’t brave to be trans before it is now

How am I supposed to be worrying about everything happening there and everything happening in my life?

So stressed

So tired

What god would protect us now?

That wouldn’t say “well they voted for him”

They did

No one could be bothered to stop it

Nazis give Nazi salutes when they win

It’s what Nazis do

In a world that remembered WWII they would have stormed the stage and beat him

What are the poppies for then?

What exactly are you remembering?

I try so hard to not cause harm to others

Yet here we are

I thought they were like me

These people so unlike me

Feed the hungry

House the homeless

Pay the workers for their time.

My lifetime is worth more than $17 an hour

I can’t even comprehend the wages that come out of the States

I wish this all made sense to me

Because then maybe I could solve it

Instead I’m just confused

My knee jerk reaction is?

Just destroy them somehow

But that’s the animal talking

The one that doesn’t know what death and suffering are

The immediately more compassionate me

Wants to teach them

But the tired me who’s been trying to do that and failing for ten years

What do you do?

I’m scared for what happens here

I’m scared for how Canada always emulates everything the US does

It’s still a hate crime to kill me for being trans, but you never know when you’ll meet the wrong person

Be in the wrong place

It’s gross that everything is just normal

While billionaire oligarchs are making Nazi salutes in public

The disgusting ability for this society to just keep going

How many lives have to be lost before something happens?

I don’t know why the healthcare assassination didn’t spark something

They’re so complacent, someone could take their house from them and they’d still lick the system’s boots

Terrifying world

I wish to be a child again and oblivious

But I know I wasn’t

I was just worrying about different things

If prayers worked

Dear God

Please protect my friends and family, and their friends and family, and onwards into infinity

Amen

Would have covered it

Poor terrified kid me convinced I had to pray

Said that little prayer every night for years

We have to make things happen

Or they’ll make things happen

And they’ve been making things happen for millennia

With little to no sound from the people

Silence is compliance

Do I watch it, and give that cheap orange soda human-wanna-be what he wants?

Or ignore it and possibly miss something important?

Because people don’t quote they just vaguely post things like “the things he said were bad and scary”

How am I to know if it’s any different than any other day he’s been bad and scary?

I don’t know what to say at this point

I fought my battles

Tried to change minds

There’s no doing it

I’ve never believed in anything strongly enough that it couldn’t be disproven besides my own identity

I’m not the same person I was fifteen years ago because of it

Hell, even my “I want good for everyone” stance comes with the dark,

Do they even deserve it?

Doubt in all ways

But to believe these things, with overwhelming evidence stating they’re wrong

I wonder what the point of it is?

What they’re getting out of it?

I don’t want the world to be hostile

I don’t want a place free of all conflict

Conflict exists

But widespread? Nationwide conflict?

International conflict

Groups of people getting in arguments and whatever

That’s normal

What’s not normal is killing eachother over things when we know what death is

What’s not normal is breeding billions of animals to suffer just to die when we know what both are

Half our food produced gets thrown out

That’s not normal when we know what being hungry is

And that there are hungry people

It’s not normal to hoard housing, or money, or people

Everything is just so blown out of proportion and we didn’t look for answers where things mattered

Like emissions, building materials, animal consumption, human welfare

Trying to find renewable resources

We can clone a fucking sheep but we can’t figure out how to manufacture food that tastes good enough and has enough nutrition to make up for the harm our consumption creates

And the demand for new bodies

The population must grow

Why?

I don’t know

There’s almost too much wrong with it to be worth putting it together

People would have to admit that we went the wrong way for a long time

Like, a really long time

And then dragged the rest of the world down to our level

Someone bless the untouched societies of the Earth

They don’t deserve to suffer for our failures

I hate talking on the internet

First of all

Reading comprehension

Fuck

I swear people understood me better when I was in Japan, speaking a language I don’t know all of, than they do on the internet

Then they don’t even read what you’re talking about

And they’re just like let me spew more of my rhetoric

It’s impossible to form an argument because suddenly they’re blaming you for shit other people said to them

It’s so frustrating typing out the exact same thing the third time to make them understand

It’s worse because I swear I speak a different language than humans

While using the same words

And maybe that’s true

Maybe I interact with language differently because I have such strong emotions

Maybe meanings are magnified and twisted

But I’m starting to wonder if these people couldn’t pass the grade 12 English provincial in BC

I always blame myself for my not being understood

It’s like there has to be a winner in every conversation

I was not born with the competitive nature these beings profess

I just want to be understood

Course it’s not going to matter soon, I suppose, if I’m understood or not

I can’t be respected in the place I’ll be living

You know maybe he’s right

Maybe if I just lie down and take just how shitty life is it’ll hurt less

I fought so hard to be understood and ended up alone

I’ll just exist

And suffer I guess

Somehow be okay with there never being any better

No promise of dawn

This is a fucked up world we’ve created

How many more times can I say I’m about to go into my childhood abuser’s household and hear nothing in reply?

Even the keyboards are getting more fucked up

I don’t know why you made this

Society is like a four year old made a huge fucking mess and then presented it to their parents

I don’t know why you did this

It’s a huge fucking mess

I guess you got some good stimulation out of it or something you fucking unregulated toddler

I don’t know why they did this

Greed

What is it?

What is cute?

I see it, I know it

It’s an omg I want to squish it

Like almost aggressive?

Feeling

You don’t want to destroy it you just want to love it and apparently human love is squishing?

And if there wasn’t a word for it

I feel like I’d still feel it

It’s such a raw feeling

Bubbling up

Ancient

I wonder what purpose it played, evolutionarily

Sure we see our young and think that’s cute and I want to take care of it

But we don’t just see it in our young, do we?

Eagles will raise a hawk chick

A lioness will raise a gazelle

It’s undoubtedly because they had that same omg that is cute feeling

Like raw, intimate, immediate attachment

Like foam exploding from a washing machine in one of those omg the kid put too much soap in it tropes

Poof

Now I love you

It doesn’t seem to be limited to young either

Humans have a trillion different ideas for what is cute to them

Some people don’t even think babies are cute

So, like, what’s that? The cuteness perception being broken?

And mothers already have a cocktail of hormones that happen when they give birth that make love happen

Is “cute” a fail-safe?

I think about emotions and what ones we would have felt before words

Were they simpler?

Or more complex?

Unnamed

Wild

Words tame things

I say the word cute it doesn’t really ring to the emotion it’s short and stubby and the emotion is big and bubbly and fuzzy

かわいい rings more true it’s longer and trails off like the feeling does like bam it’s here and then it’s just a quiet little murmur

Still doesn’t quite grasp the real feeling

Words are inept in that way

Even with them explaining emotions is hard

Some people have a way with words and they paint it

But paintings aren’t the real thing either

C’est ne pas une pipe

It’s not a pipe

Words are beautiful like art

They are real, but they are not real

These emotions

They’re so real, and I wonder where they came from

Who passed this to me?

Why?

Existence is a relay of passing from one generation to the next

I wish I could go back in time to the first blessed ancestor who felt “cute”

Ask why it’s with me today

I’m sure they wouldn’t know

But their story would be amazing

As the days get longer

My time in this house grows shorter

The house I came to, crying every day

Sliced lifelines

The scars are covered up by Saturn but they poke out and I remember

So clearly how it felt

But I grew stronger and kept going

I slipped

Desperation for love and affection

Cocaine, Meth, Crack

A pillow in my face

I couldn’t breathe

But I grew stronger and kept going

As life gets harder for everyone

Those at the bottom are crushed

But I kept going damn it

One diagnosis, two

Sicker and sicker

I’m still fighting

But all that fighting was hinged on one thing

That I had a home

That I created a tiny world just for me where I could be safe

The walls are drawing in

I don’t know where I’m going

I know I stopped chasing light long ago but it’s incredible how dark it can get

That I’ve come up against every wave

Worse for wear

More exhausted

The well of a human body’s ability to be exhausted runs deep

How it just pulls you down

This desperate struggle

Is it even okay for me to imagine a place for me at the end of this?

Is it fair to a me who may not have that?

When the time comes

Always down to Fate

It always answers by dropping me a few pegs further down

In an “you’re safe, but it’s worse now” way

I’m so sick of worse

And they tell you to fight, but fighting makes people turn on you

What’s the point?

It’ll dare me

Someone will monologue at me about how awful I am and then ask for my opinion

Like I’m stupid

I’m not falling for making the situation worse with myself anymore

There wasn’t enough fight in me to take on the pressure of life and the pressure of other humans in the first place

Life is sick like that.

It’ll beat something out of you and then demand it

Life beat me up so badly I can’t work enough to dream of affording rent

Circumstances

Fucking circumstances

I know my best is easily 30% of what a normal person could offer

But I have no options

Haven’t worked in two weeks

I finally start feeling up to making a dent in my house

But it feels so futile to pack without knowing where I’m going

Am I packing to unpack or packing to put my stuff in a garage for a few years while I suffer?

It always felt like my destiny is to be dead or homeless

Like the Fates dangle me on an ever lengthening string over the embers of life

Where am I going?

Why is the infuriating answer “Home”?

Do you mean now or eventually you riddling mind fuck?

That’s when the silence comes in and I know that there’s no concrete answer as always

I don’t know when this fated meeting is happening

I hate mysteries

And life has made me hate surprises

Can you please tell me where I’m going?

I want to go somewhere where there’s no fight