Elucidating Questions

I don’t want to go back to finish moving things that will disappear into the garage forever

I don’t want to go back

Face the emptiness of the space

Not a home anymore

A place I once lived

It is past tense now

Like my sister is past tense

And like with how they’ve erased her from all speech

How I’m the only one who seems to remember her

I want that place to disappear into my memories

I want to pretend I never left this house

The space has been trying to entice me

Hummingbirds and Sunsets

Thunderstorms and stars

Look they’re all in the perfect position

It is loud and I can’t sleep

The city screams with the pain its oppressed citizens do not speak

It is so wrong to speak out in pain because they are all pretending they are not

I can hear birds

But they are not the mix there was before

There are tits

I suppose I should speak my gratitude amongst my anxiety

I have walls

And my animals

I am not comfortable but I have somewhere to go

That is more than so many have

My father doesn’t have the anger he used to

He still angrily bangs around the kitchen

But he loves his cat

He has a cat

An animal he doesn’t resent

The Bible study shit is mind numbing

Oh God we know you’ll fix everything one day and we’re your humble servants and we submit to you and blah blah blah

Jesus save me from your followers

Save me

But I’ll be okay

That stupid fire in me

If I just make it to midnight

Just make it to midnight again

I want to go home

But home died

There is no home

The last Good Night

It’s over

Something must feed on my heartbreak

Such a curious thing

Like the heart is actually broken

It hurts

I will probably never escape this house again

If I do I won’t have one at all

I don’t know how I’m going to share a livingroom with someone doing Bible studies

I begged for years for Christianity to disappear from my life and now I’m housemates with a fundamentalist Christian

Weird sudo liberal

Something

I’m too radical for this

I just wanted a home

That’s all

It hurts that that was too much to hope for

It hurts that I wasn’t deemed worthy this time

And I really just want to fuck all your plans for me up

This disgusting molding process

With each strike I’m less human

Why do you demand so much from me that you had the world beat out?

You let me “free”

Taught me what happens when you stand up to other people

So that I’d never do it again

And now you’re locking me up with the original nightmare

Did you think I would be overflowing with gratitude that I’m going back to living in the same tiny room I’d imagine killing myself in?

Thank you

Fuck you

On the top bunk listening to Nobody’s Home and crying

She wants to go home but nobody’s home

All very incorrect

Because there were more people home than fit in the house

And I wanted to be in the home I could never remember

I’m grateful I got to know what a home is

I went many years without that awful feeling

No matter how hard it was I was home

That ends tomorrow

It’s not any less cruel to teach me what home felt like and then take it away from me

No, this

This is another one of those turning points

You don’t know the meaning of End of an Era

It’s another drop

Every few years I drop down a few more rungs

And the worst part is the only one who could save me is me, if I wasn’t disabled

No one else is going to make my life better

But the only option I have to improve my life now is to end the torture

The universe is practically begging me to do it

I wish I could awaken to horrifying powers and just make everyone give me what I want

Discard the part of me that is so damn worried about other people

Just take from them like they’ve taken from me

Remove that part of me that wonders if the person I’m choosing to unleash my wrath on is “one of the good ones”

I want to be bad like everyone else is, apparently without torturing themselves over it

We’re not friends

Friends don’t make friends move into their nightmare house

The house from my nightmares

I never found another home

If I can figure out how to get past this cowardice

I’m going to make my life better

And then no one will have to think about me ever again

Just like Mel ceased to exist

It should have been me

I don’t handle rejection well

I’m tired of people deleting me from their lives with no explanation

Did I miss something?

Sometimes it feels like the only reason there are other humans is to hurt me

They don’t do much else

Frankly useless in terms of what I need

I’m too much

Is there no one that can handle me?

Unfit for human consumption

That’s how it feels

I’m just what the world made me into

Do I even have freewill?

I’m a response to the threat of other beings

And the hell they’ve allowed me and others like me to go through

There’s not really anything worth trying to fight for either

At this point

Nothing is in any way what I imagined my life would be

There are no people

So the inevitability of them leaving after they lie and say we’re friends

Fucking as if

Just hurts more

There’s no “well at least I have so and so”

There is no so and so

And it feels like there never will be again

I’m merely a burden to everyone around me and they have made that clear

I think it’s disgusting that people think that just because they suffer in silence that everyone else should to

Everyone else puts up with the shittyness of life so you should too

No?

You fucking daft ass special monkeys?

It’s because of you and your ilk that life never gets better

It’s because of generations of putting up with shit and just living miserable lives

I’m still mad at that one person

Shouldn’t have nicknamed her Feather

She was more like a rabid badger

Droves of people who expect silence

And “I’m fine”

Everyday

Always

Don’t you dare struggle

People who expect me to have gone through everything in my life and come out normal

Because everyone else is just so much damn better at this game of life they’ve created

Definitely not just so fucking anxious to hold on to their fakeness in the whole situation about actually having everything figured out

For the ‘gram

It’s like they think if they associate with someone who doesn’t have their shit entirely together it’ll catch or something

I’d invite any of you to come live my life

I wonder how many people would be dead within the first year of silence?

Within the first year of their brain sabotaging everything constantly

I wonder if they’d enjoy the juxtaposition of both being fat and so hungry you can’t think?

Days rolling on by

Nothing ever changing except for the worse

I’d really like to see them suffer

Because there’s an evil, angry, part of me who has seen all these people abandon me along their way

Knowing that I am disposable

I want to inflict this pain on anyone who inflicted it on me

It’s not nice to know you’re disposable

There should be more mercy in me

I shouldn’t want to punish people

But no one should feel like they are trash

No one with a heart

It makes you want to lash out

And right now as life is whipping me

It’s just fucking endless

And no one is coming to rescue me

No

To my aid?

I need aid

I don’t want to be rescued

I have no one to talk to

And when I think I finally have someone

They always throw me away

I hate this world sometimes, but I don’t hate the Earth

She is worth so much more than we are doing to her

Priceless gem in space

Currently the Wind is having a party

Wreaking havoc

I see all these severe storms that are happening

I wonder if I’ve entered some kind of void where the Wind is just a trickster

Well it’s not like we haven’t had severe storms just

No people dying

It’s sad that people have to die for people to realise the Earth is in crisis mode

Population control

It’s unfortunately indiscriminate between who ends up being lost

It’s not like a tornado is going to purposely go around an environmentalist’s house

Supposedly innocent people have lost and will lose their lives

And it’s not that she doesn’t know that

I know that

How else does a great beast fight back without overwhelming the attackers?

And they’re all mixed in with everyone else

Weather may be miraculous but everything has rules

It’s wild

I’m being pelted with rain

And possibly hail

Wildness can be a rule

It’s a rule that even humans can’t escape

With all their attempts to “be civilized” they only create more inhumanity

What’s a planet to do?

And, sure, maybe the planet does just naturally get warmer and then colder again

But not at this rate

She’ll put every living thing through hell to ensure that there are still living things

A thousand futures ahead

There will always be that pesky mouse that just wouldn’t die

I wonder why they don’t hear desperation in the Wind

The way the rain falls with urgency

Seldom a lazy rainy day anymore

The weather is always rushing to the next thing just as if it has absorbed our inability to sit still in this world

I don’t want people to die

I mean, I don’t want to die, so I assume they don’t want to either

I wish we’d go back to trying to appease nature instead of trying to conquer her

No matter how pointless that is

Seeing as how millions are dying in some mass “well it’s only a couple” sacrifice

Maybe sacrificing an actual couple instead was the right way to go

When I hear you howling I think of everything that humanity has done recently to earn your rage

And I want to fix it

And I know that I can’t do that

I can only accept that your screams will get louder

Dear Earth

You could strike me with lightning and I’d still be forever your faithful servant

I wish that in Death I could walk with you

All your voices

Beautiful and wild

This planet is my only home

Yet I wish I could find home here

Because the humans have transformed her into something

Something that needs to be destroyed

The Wind and the Sun

Are out and grabbing my attention from eachother

Reminding me they’ll be here no matter where I go

Because it feels like it ends

I need some help

I’m always together with you

And it can only be from them

Because timing and context

And the way they speak through everything around

Like their voices are so great they have to split them up into this and that

I’m not alone

Because in this strange space where there are no people

A billion other things live

And trillions of great, eyeless, beings, staring out

The Wind that blows, alive

Destroying things excessively at the moment

It’s self defense

It’s unfortunate

It’s nature’s last possible stand against a parasite

You say there’s nowhere to run

In a comforting way?

Brilliant creatures

Constantly using the wrong words to convey feelings

No they’re not wrong they’re right they just don’t follow

Rules

Constant confusion

And the clouds that draw across the sky

Short lived

While their insides are infinite

I suppose that’s true of most living things

I am of an explosion so many billions of years before me

Maybe that’s why I see myself in the stars

Alike

The games these beings play around me

Can’t touch it

Can nudge

I will still have the Sun and the Wind

Maybe I won’t miss the scent of the seaweed so much anymore

I won’t be able to see the stars though

Change is so hard

Wounds and pain, just as that, walk forward

Go out

I guess

Do you tell me this because I should be hurt?

What was it earlier?

“We are stronger than we think”

It sometimes feels cruel

The way you believe in me

Because I don’t believe in me

It’s almost like

How dare you believe in me?

That I’m so strong

What if I want to be weak?

At the same time

Sometimes it’s just the repeating signs that believe in me

Always there

There’s nowhere to run

Silent

Beautiful

Allies