Elucidating Questions

And there it goes again

The wall of text the long speech

All the things you hate about me but never said

I do not understand why people have these collections of hate

That they just sit stoking until the day they hope it will all pop out

Love is supposedly unconditional

I do my best, I do love despite the bitching and moaning

This is the place I put those hateful things just so

Because I don’t want them inside of me festering

What is a mistreated person supposed to do when someone comes asking how to fix the other mistreated persons

I don’t know but I guess you’re gone just like all the others

I never get to say anything about it

It’s just a word dump of hatred

And now I am left alone-

Haha I was already always alone

Gods help me

I don’t feel anything but slight disappointment

Like, oh, we’re repeating this storyline again

Bye I guess, Feather

I would miss you but you’ve already been gone for years.

Poverty

You’re acting like I put them there

Like I have access to any method of fixing it

Me, leech on the system which is currently benefiting from my poverty

And you’re worried about your safety

When you have a home to go home to and feel safe in at night

And you look to me, who has only the poverty that I am living through in solidarity in perpetuity with them

I’m going to bed hungry tonight

But you want me to keep you safe from the angry homeless people

You never have time for me but you want me to have a solution to poverty for you while I exist in poverty

Oh and when I’m just kind of probably on their side,

Because if they were guaranteed housing and food in their belly they might just be able to not be angry and on drugs, or having a mental breakdown the street

Because the only difference between me and them is a caring landlord

You block me

Because God forbid I be poor and on the side of the poor people

It’s fine you’re living your happily ever after with your happy little family and don’t need me anymore

No one needs me I’m literally just a poor disabled person

This is what society is teaching me

I’m not worthy of a job, I’m not worthy of time and attention, I’m not worthy

And you

You sit there in the house that you own with your family and attention and support that you no longer need from me

And I truly do understand that you feel unsafe

But I also truly do understand the only way to solve this problem is to secure assured housing and food.

I told you the solution

Besides writing the government that doesn’t care instead of changing the government so it does

I quite understand the problem this is the solution

I can afford food or I can afford rent

I could easily become one of those scary people on the street

God I hate the silence of a conversation people don’t want to have

I wonder if I could give you everything you want?

I always dream of being saved but never of what my contribution would be

All I have is love, and I don’t know if that’s enough for anyone

Wondering what good I could possibly bring to a savior

Would I ever be enough to keep the demons at bay?

Would I ever be enough?

Haven’t had enough

To give enough

What could I possibly bring to such a thing as the greatest love in the universe?

When I thought it was real I swore I could give the universe itself as if all were mine to give

If what I have now is what I have to offer, it could never be real.

I wonder what to do with all this love

Thank you Mama

Thank you for the rain in moderation

Thank you for not flooding our places and instead sprinkling what we needed

The ground is wet now

Thank you Mama the parched land and animals can finally have the water they so desperately needed

You have such gentle touches

You have such violent touches

Thank you for choosing gentle

The end of a drought.

Thank you Mama Earth.

I’m sick of it

Why can’t I just exist lying in the sun?

Why do I have to struggle and compromise and be put down over and over again,

So that other people can feel good about themselves

Meanwhile where I’m left is somewhere between suicide and giving up

So sick of making consideration for other people who have no consideration for me

Just this once can I be the bad guy without the repercussion of feeling awful about being the bad guy?

This time instead of being the good guy for everyone all the time

I’ll actually be the bad guy and you can see just how dark and twisted I am

But no, just the face of a person who tries so hard to please everyone

That no one wants

That’s fine if you don’t want me I’ll go

I’ll show you just as much care as you showed me.

You think I’m two-faced

I think you just met The Cat.

Welcome back, long time no see, yes I did just consider jumping in front of traffic to make today end

Is that why you came in and quit my job for me?

Now I have no job. Thanks Cat.

Now I’m not putting up with people ignoring me.

Thanks Cat.

The Earth

She is the single most easy thing to connect to

Just empty your mind and listen

She is there waiting for each and every one to just come back to her and see her

They’re all so interested in Loki, or Thor, or Hades, or whomever the find hot

When she’s right there waiting to talk to you and she requires the only offering of time

Could you sit with her woes and her loss and her fears for a moment

Extinction, mass logging, hunger; she cannot provide enough for her children when her teenagers are ruining her.

She always says she’ll get better and she will, but she will be alone without all this life she created, alone

Alone in space with the moon hanging by shining a nightlight on no one

Isn’t that sad to you?

Don’t you think that’s sad?

She’s right there willing to love you because she made you, and most just ignore her

They connect to something else

They connect to something else when we have the unique ability to see her

To see everything

But they choose one thing

And that one thing is seldom

The Mother Earth