Elucidating Questions

I made it to 32.

The nasty voices called me when I was 15 and I made it

They called to me at 16, 17, 18

Still I lived

I made it to 20

Never thought I’d make it this far

Never saw a road beyond an end

The voices called me when I was 27.

Somehow I survived

I’ll never know how I survived

Saw 30

Aiming for 40?

I won’t let these feelings, these voices, these dark thoughts that are not me, pull me down into the deep

Never thought I’d make it this long

Every day is a bonus day

Even when it’s heavy I still pull myself up just enough to breathe

Just keep breathing

Just keep breathing

You should see what you’re missing

Hundreds of thousands of reasons you should have stayed

Besides your friends and family, whom I weep for in my heart daily

So many lives touched

I once heard suicide is a ripple

A drop in the pond

That spreads so far out into so many people you cannot fathom

I tried to kill myself even after hearing it

Now

Now I see it

Except it’s not just a ripple

I see people being pulled in like a whirlpool

Did you, in all your kindness, in all your gentleness, in all your wonderfulness, not realise this effect?

Depression is truly a nasty little monster

When all sense leaves the room I guess even your cats can’t save you

But I had nothing and I told myself if I had something it would all be easier

And I still have nothing, but I’m doing better anyways

Because damn it I will not become a was

Not until Death sneaks up behind me and covers my eyes and says

Guess who?

He’s always waiting. I feel him. I fear him. I still run to him when things get difficult

I…

How can you not be here anymore?

How can you not be here anymore?

Of every person on this planet

You?

There’s no answer of course

Depression swallowed up all of the answers when it strangled the final breath from your body decades before it was supposed to be exhaled

Chester were you there to help her?

All these people that this disease takes from us

All these ripples

Such rough seas ..

I love you, you know

In April the flowers grow and I see them and think

What’s he doing? What’s the weather like there?

Is he home, is he happy, is he okay?

I miss you like someone I knew once long ago

Took me long to get back to wishing you well

Every drop of jealousy another type of love

I wonder what the point of writing is

Until the day I die I’ll pour my soul out for you

I made that kind of promise to a stranger

Hi, it’s me, I’m strange

I’ll love you forever

Loss is so profound

From there to not there

Nothing is permanent

But even with the knowledge the hurt goes on

I wonder so wonderingly where do they go?

If I ask my soul it says magical things

Paradise and peace

But my doubt comes in so quietly

In this universe of chaos

I wonder if it’s actually endless

Has anyone seen the end of the universe?

Nothing can be gone

Physics said so

Do they go to Elsewhere?

I don’t know where they go

But you feel them don’t you?

In the moments you feel them right there

Could we once more be in the same place again?

I want to see you again

Do you remember when?

When childhood and wide eyes and firsts?

I invite you to try to see the world through those eyes again

See every forest like the first

Every glance of the ocean as filled with wonder as if never seen before

Style your outfit just a bit ridiculously because children do have the best sense of fashion

That is no sense yet

Still exploring

Still finding

Before you knew every corner of the map had already been discovered

Back when there was an adventure in the tall grass of your own backyard

Just try to see the world through younger eyes

Less understood

Less science

More wonderment

More imagining what the world could be

It might take practice

But children see the world how it was meant to be seen

Try it

Suicide

Is not beautiful

Is not ugly

Is rather a sun that has collapsed into itself

Its sheer mass lost in a hole so void

Of blackness and destruction

Of pain and hurt

All the sorrow and pain you felt handed off to loved ones and people who didn’t even know they loved you until it was too late

Why did you hand your pain to your loved ones?

How could you choose to share such a thing
And it consumes

The void that grows as the sorrow flows into it

The explosion reverberating into space

Do other stars collapse in response?

I won’t go

You won’t have me

I’ll stay here kicking and screaming I’ll drag him along with me through life

Somehow I’ll defeat this beast

No super nova, no black hole

Can I claim a quiet death where people miss me with no shock or pain

Just the knowledge I lived

Can I ask you to stay with me?

Just remember,

No surrender

We can get out of this alive