Elucidating Questions

Living the in-between

Wanting to go to work because it’s fun,

Wanting to stay home forever because it’s agony

I don’t know how to walk this line

I’d like to go back to feeling okay

I’m just feeling crappy all the time

Sleep doesn’t help

Rest doesn’t help

If there was something to help I would have figured it out by now

Yes, dear able-bodied person suggesting exercise to me for the thousandth time,

I tried that too

Once upon a time I had this cute little thought like

It could get better

If I could go back in time and stop myself from constantly trying to do more because it could get better

And watching one year become five become ten

Become twelve years later and a worse diagnosis

Constantly pushing myself beyond my threshold

Only to have my body come back down on me ten thousand fold

I wish I could give it what it wants

Wish I could trade bank accounts with a millionaire and take care of myself properly and give back to people who need it

I’m not made for this world

I don’t belong here

Too disabled, too trans, too queer

But I’m fighting anyways

I wish I didn’t have to fight

Why should people have to fight?

It’s not just pain

I’m starting to forget things again

I start forgetting things a customer just told me

Things that just came out of my mouth

I’m starting to lose my reading comprehension

Having difficulty if a customer gives me cash because I can’t count properly

When I’m at home I can feel better enough to

Mostly

Forget how disabled I really am

I might need a wheelchair

No, really, I do need a wheelchair I’m just ableistly denying I do because I don’t want to be that disabled

But I can’t afford to live without working

Without working I make $1358 a month

And my rent is currently $1100.

It’s not realistic to be as disabled as I am

Like the world was definitely not designed for me

It’s not realistic so I pretend I’m not as disabled and go to work anyways

Regardless of POTS, Myalgic encephalomyelitis, fibromyalgia, depression, anxiety

All the other things wrong with me that are symptoms of those

It’s cruel, this world

We had the wherewithal to make it better and instead we made it worse

I’m living with the consequences

This duality of wanting more readers,

But not wanting anyone to put together anything and realise how crazy I am

Like maybe just never read any comments ever

It’d be nice to be noticed

For someone to find my thousands of letters to someone and no one and find interest

It’d be nice for someone to find interest

I just don’t have any confidence in anything

I’m just anyone

2400 mediocre little letters

And a thousand more lost in the storm

I never promised quality I can bring you quantity though

If you’d just take the time to read it all I’m sure you’d like something

Probably

It’s not nice being invisible

And it’s terrifying to be known

Maybe a cult following those are always fun

Wouldn’t it be lovely?

Lovely

Lovely

Just something other than mostly invisible

Something seen

Just a bit

Are you a man spreader?

I wonder these things. How many nasty man habits forged out of patriarchy and gender roles have rubbed off on you?

Are you dangerous like all the others?

Have you touched people you shouldn’t have like all the others?

Oh, you say not all,

I say such a small percentage that it doesn’t even count

How many millions more live their lives freely because of the silence of their victims?

I wonder.

You say 1 in 4, I say billions more are silent.

I wonder if you’re a good one

I don’t have much hope these days

It’d take a few years to find the hope in me

My mum says it’s just that bad ones are louder

I think that good lost the battle long ago and we’re standing on that sweet, sweet, edge before the plummet to the end

Lucky that we don’t have to live a life once this disgusting society is done raping the Earth.

I believed we could stop it when I believed in everything

Yeah so I wonder how much you contribute to the general men being toxic shits thing.

I don’t know anything about you

Who you are

What you do

I can wish on every star and eye lash but I won’t know until a miracle happens

What a day that would be.

Until then I’m left wondering

Are you a good one?

Or are you part of the bad billions?

There’s some serious man spreading bullshit going on here

Let’s squeeze the AFAB disabled person into a fucking tiny ass space because

Because neither of these geniuses could stand for a person with a disability

And are both taking up as much space as possible

Fuck men like this to be honest

Why are people like this?

You’re fucking hurting me

But no

Be small because I decided you have a vagina

Fuck it

See this is where the loving all people thing gets hard

They’re literally causing me pain, why should I love them?

Or really able bodied people in general

They all seem to be inconciderate twits

Can’t wait to be off of this bus I’m in so much pain

Use the extra space in your brain to consider others why don’t you

This is the time of year I find dead caterpillars everywhere

And I think about them and their short, cruel, lives.

Nature truly does have extreme degrees of cruelty and kindness

I try not to step on their poor dead bodies

Offer them a modicum of respect for their lives

Something other humans might not do

I have this great connection to wild things

Trees speak to me

Crows speak to me

Rocks speak to me

So many things speak to me in their ways

I wonder why so few else do