Elucidating Questions

How I cry when I want to give up

Thoughts falling like razor sharp rain drops

And I cry, for who?

To whom it may concern I quit

Perhaps just a child’s last plea to the universe

Love me

Help me

And in the throw of wanting to wave a white flag

Usually something happens to rescue me from the deep

Like the universe simultaneously wants to push me to a glorious suicide and make sure I’m taken care of

Or maybe it’s the universe versus society

Society wants all the unfortunately unproductive people to give up

I wish I could make it right

If this writing got any traction would it even make a difference?

Never had a big break in my life

I wish it had been for lack of trying

So that people telling me it was my fault didn’t boil my blood so

I wonder if this life is a joke

That awkward moment when someone on a drug trip on TV says,

I both see and am God!

And you can relate except minus the drugs

Nope my brain did that to me all on its own.

No wonder I didn’t enjoy LSD.

Remembering moments like that tells me I’ve come farther than I give myself credit for

Did it mostly on my own since no one really knows the full story except my writing

Which I deleted a bunch of

What a terrifying place to be

Let’s be glad I’m not there anymore

The world is chaos enough without my own brain helping

I just wish I could get physically better

Feeling trapped in my body

As it demands hours of rest I did not have time for

Can’t seem to get out of being in a mess

Regardless

On we go

Some days there’s this internal battle

Do I go to the hospital?

Is it worth going through hours of medical gas lighting?

I could always just stay home and gas light myself

I can’t be that sick

I’m conscious!

So my heart is pounding and I am exhausted and in pain?

It’s just tachycardia!

Let’s just ignore the possibility of my heart medication interacting with my other meds and trying to kill me

Everything’s fine

Everything is fine

I wish it was more obvious when I need to go to the hospital

Like if my hands could turn green if I need to go

Green means go right?

Ugh help

I get the notification I’m like oh is it the same thing?

Yes the same thing mixed different for your consuming pleasure

If only there was some personality involved

But it’s just promos

Currently missing work for the third day because a BC Transit bus decided to throw me

Our lives are so different it’s laughable

Here I am trapped in my body, exhausted

There he is shaking his money maker around making the one thing I wanted to make

But I’d have to learn everything by myself

And my voice is as tired as my body

Can’t sing like this

I wonder if he still enjoys singing or if it’s just a thing he does for money now

I wish I could sing

I hate promos

Know their worth to this…

Capitalist wasteland

It’s an odd transformation to go through

Once I realised he had no personality I wondered what exactly I could be in love with and now

If there was a word for my heart is only crying over true loss and my body is only acting like it’s dying because I fell on the bus but I’m doing fine

I’m doing fine and still writing

If you knew how long it took me to write this

So exhausted

But I can stand on my own two feet

I’m fine with being alone

And promos are boring

Maybe I’ll find some other gorgeous human to follow

Not really though, I’m really tired of personas

Cool let’s write something

I’m barely conscious and on the bus why not

Speaking of buses

Ever been thrown by one?

Apparently the cane isn’t a big enough indicator that I need to sit before the bus fires off from the stop

No I don’t think even wearing a huge sign saying

Severely Disabled

Would even make these people think twice

When you’re disabled the bus suddenly becomes this huge anxiety

Will they kneel the bus for me?

Will I get a seat?

People seldom move from disabled seating unless it’s a wheelchair, walker, or stroller/pram/buggy whatever

My entire method of transportation has become this daily battle

It’s just exhausting leaving the house

Never knowing what I’ll face

And the added Jesus Christian thing

God I’m so sick of them forcing their religion on to me

Painfully unselfaware they are

Today I was told Jesus has big plans for my life

Sir the fact that you’re telling me that tells me you’re not speaking to any Jesus in that head of yours

He asked if I know god

I know I don’t want to know your god

I wish your god had stayed shut up and never cursed this planet with your religion

Just atrocities carried out over millennia

Just wish they’d all cease to exist

And I have to be in their space because I have to take the bus

Ah but think how many fewer poems I’d write

Yeah exactly Sara Bareilles, I’m not going to write a love song about these things.

A+ for the constantly contextually on point music

Thanks Cosmic DJ.

I wish there was an alternative to the bus even if my poem output would suffer

I’d rather stay isolated indoors than be bombarded by Christianity everywhere

And I’d rather do anything than have to constantly worry bus drivers are going to care

Ah life