Elucidating Questions

I hide here, safe

Waiting

There isn’t much to do while being killed by time

Waiting for it anyways

When the entire wide world is out there and I’m in

I wish I could see the world

But instead I just hide

In the same old music

Somewhere safe where I can know what comes next

I wonder if I could go even if I wasn’t broken beyond repair

If my body allowed it

It stings seeing people meeting up

I wish I could meet up

There’s nothing really here worth fighting for

That’s what the animals are for

Without them I’d have nothing

It stings to have been dealt this pointless life

No love story

No redemption

No climbing the ladder

Just stuck

And I am tired of living this life

At this point my death would be a favour to many people

But he said fight

I wonder why

I’m fighting, you know,

I just don’t know why

And have no hope

Ugh “Be well”

I want to say 元気でね

Cursed language barriers

Be well

What even is that?

You can be as unwell as you need to be

But your spirits I want them burning bright

I want them kicking and fighting

Is that how I’ll say it?

May your spirits be well

It’s wordy

Hahaha but Japanese is wordy

Just

Just have spirits still kicking and screaming

Burning bright beneath whatever

I know I have days I am most certainly not 元気

I just wish I had someone to wish me to be

That reminder to light my spirits ablaze

So if your spirits weren’t burning, here’s a reminder

If they were may they burn like an eternal flame

Do you think they call it downtown because everyone is down there?

Either depressed and rich but still depressed living in highrises so far away from Earth because fuck her

Or depressed and down and out and living on the streets so close they can feel her, but deprived of life?

Is downtown because everyone misses the sun in a city full of scrapers of the sky to blot it out?

Are they down because the stars don’t shine there?

They don’t know Saturn from his vagueness

Or Jupiter from his over achieving brightness

Like calm down Jupiter you were only almost a star

Are they down because this city demands cookie cutter characters filling in roles cast by those richer that make the rich feel like they’re not rich?

Does forever reaching for a fulfilled living leave them empty?

Tell me why people who have done far more than I will ever be capable of feel comfortable saying

What have I done with my life?

What strange heights they set for themselves

What strange things they think they must accomplish

This whole society thing feels like a failed experiment

Humans are incapable of getting along

Incapable

No one is themselves here

No wonder they’re down

It’s a place where there is nothing but empty dreams

I think we should go back to the drawing board

I want to come into every conversation desperate

To see someone

To talk to someone

To be with nature instead of where I am

I want to walk the forest with someone

What walking I can do

I’d walk twice as far for the forest

But I can’t

I have to come into a conversation worrying about the other person

I can’t show my true face until they ask me

And more often than not the conversation ends before my turn to be heard comes

I’m busy doing something come back to me later

Later is so far away

I want to connect with someone

Why in this world of connection am I so isolated?

I’ll worry about myself another day I guess

Do you ever see someone from your past and

It’s not like you’re not happy to see them

But they’re gone and all their words were swallowed in the hole they left

A video of Chester popped up on my feed.

And I’m like happy to see his face

I miss his face

But then he says all these things about fighting and keeping on and staying ahead of the beast

That he lost against and died and the world has gone to hell

And I’m just shattered again

Wondering why you always pop up telling me to keep going in this hellscape

Wondering what I’m staying here for when it’s barely fun

Less than half the time

I suppose you’ve got your reasons

There has to be a reason these entities of what was people

Keep telling me to push on

And then a raven caws three times

And we play “sign or coincidence”

I wish there was something more to this

But just because I wish it doesn’t make it true

Whatever it is that spurns me forward

Do I owe it a debt of gratitude?

Or do I owe it all the suffering I’m doing in the prolongation of the inevitable?

I think humans were made in an image

The image of the universe

Chaotic

Wild

Destructive

Kind

Burning bright as suns and dark as black holes

Violent

Peaceful

Capable of the most heinous wrongs and the most humbling rights

I think the humans may have taken “image” too literally

There’s no “one” god

There are too many great beings in our midst to claim there is but one

Contained within one, perhaps

Like both being within and of the one at the same time

But there are so many other great things that are not of them, the universe, as well

Things that occur because of the them that exist, but are not molecule, or matter

The wind, blowing

The tide

Rain that consists of molecules, but the phenomenon and the exact circumstances that have to align for it to happen

The feelings that come from standing in the Sun

The intangibles like seeing a shooting star

Seeing, in general

Music

Laughter

Those moments I call Happenstance that just seem to click into place

Gravity

Grief

Things that are unexplainable, like death

So many things that had to go exactly a certain way for a certain thing to happen

We exist in this same tug of war with chaos and peace.

The same image of the universe in a different form

But we have so many factors besides the universe

Factors I often call gods

Sun, Moon, Earth

Planets

Phenomena

But the whole “made in (their) image” thing makes sense

If you think of it that way.